Full Moon?

Today has been a weird one to say the least.

I woke up around 9 (Yes. I have MWF off. I like to sleep, so I slept in. Yes, I live like an undergrad. Might as well while I still can).

About 9:30, my dad called. He told me that he would be in town for work and that he would be free around 4 and wanted to stop by. It was fine with me, but we had laundry everywhere, dishes in the sink, hadn’t dusted in weeks. Last week kicked both of our butts and this weekend did not go as planned, so house hold things got put on the back burner.

So I freaked out because my dad is a bit of a neat freak. His house is usually always in good order and I didn’t want to hear comments about me slacking as a wife or whatever.

I had planned on spending today lesson planning. Instead, I did 5 loads of laundry, scrubbed the kitchen, vacuumed, hand vacuumed the steps, dusted the entire apartment, straightened up the place, folded 5 loads of laundry and put everything away. No idea why, but it did take me all day and our apartment isn’t that big.

But while I was doing all of that, Mr. A had a big important lunch meeting and I was anxiously awaiting his call.

When he did, I wanted to scream from the roof tops out of joy!

Why you ask? Because Mr. A got the internship for the spring!!!

SO MUCH EXCITEMENT.

He will be doing actual attorney things and it can very well lead to a job, or at very leas, a fellowship next summer while waiting on bar exam results and such. And he will be making fantastic connections and I am so effing proud of him. He works so so hard, but hasn’t always had the best of luck with some things panning out, so I couldn’t be happier that this worked out for him and I know it is a HUGE weight off of his shoulders.

He will be living at one of my parents’ houses and I should be able to make my schedule Tues/Thurs so if I want to go go or he comes down, I will have Fri-Mon. Also, he will only be 2 hours away, and knowing how wonderful this opportunity is, I will make the sacrifice for a semester.

So that was amazing, but of course we got some more bad news about his dad, so it was hard to balance being out of my mind excited, but also dealing with that drama.

But then my dad showed up and this was the first time he has seen this apartment, so I am happy that Mr. A and I have been working on making it more of a home for the last year and it doesn’t look completely like a college apartment.

Now, my family is one that doesn’t really talk about finances beyond “You should be saving your money”. I have no clue how much my dad makes or what his financial situation is. I have a rough idea what my mom makes, but not much more than that.

So when my dad started asking us what our student loan situation was, I was a little confused and kind of waiting for a lecture on it all.

But then the conversation quickly turned to how many miles were on my car and all of that. Now, I drive a 12 year old Toyota that has over 230,000 miles on it. Yeah. That’s a lot. It was my mom’s before me and when she gave it to me in 2005, it had roughly 80,000 on it, but I was going to school three hours away and made trips home fairly frequently, so the miles racked up rather quickly. 

Long story short, my stepsister is taking her mom’s car that is a 2012, I’m taking her car that only has like 65,000 miles on it and is a very reliable car, and any money we can get for mine will go towards paying for the car since hers would have some value if they decided to sell it. Eventually, we’ll pay my dad back for the car, but he put off us paying for a little over a year, and should circumstances prevent us from being able to afford it, he said we’d work it out.

I’ll be cleaning out my car tomorrow and hope is to list it by this weekend and hopefully by next week I will have a new car!!! (Or new to me, but anything is better than mine at this point.)

And the other weird part of yesterday?

Remember when I told you guys that Mr. A and I decided to go on a cruise over Christmas break since it will be our last break together?

He gets a text message last night from a good friend (and those of you that know me IRL can easily figure out who this person is, but PLEASE do not say anything about it either to him or on FB because it isn’t being publically announced just yet, but bc of logistical issues, we were told. Again, trusting you folks.). Mr. A then asked me when our cruise was, but wouldn’t tell me why he was asking.

When I told him the date, he got a strange look on his face and then proceeded to tell me that his good friend had set his wedding date for during our cruise.

Not only just set a wedding date, but the wedding will be in India.

I’ll let you soak that in for a minute.

……………

This guy was one of our groomsmen and has been a friend of Mr. A’s for a very long time. So Mr. A needs to go, but we can’t really afford for both of us, just with flights alone. So Mr. A and his other good friend (who were best men for each other’s weddings) are implementing the buddy system. Neither wife is going as a way to save some money. But believe me, Mr. A has been told he needs to be bringing me back some sweet stuff from India.

But what about the cruise?

Well if he gets to go to India, I am surely still going on my cruise. I decided to ask my MIL if she would be interested/would be able to go because she is a lot of fun and I’m sure I could handle being with her for 6 days for a beach filled vacation. She said she would check and last night she sent me a text saying that I had a cruise buddy and that she would be working on passport paperwork this morning.

SO. Yesterday was just bizarre. So many weird, but good things going on and this next year will be a bit of a whirlwind.

Now to just hope and pray and cross fingers and toes that next year we both have jobs and that we aren’t unemployed and living in a box. Because we all know I need my hair straightener and access to twitter. ;o)

Brain Dump

I was going to write this long post about the first week of teaching and all that, but then I have turned into some super emotional dork today and can’t seem to focus on one subject, so here is a little bit of everything.

* I know I’ve discussed it, and I know my friend it perfectly fine with it, but I am still SUPER upset that I can’t be at my BFF’s wedding tomorrow. Like, could make me cry.

* So I of course sent her a super sappy text message this morning. She’s going to think I’m nuts. But hopefully she and her new husband will enjoy the flowers I have ordered to be put in their honeymoon suite tomorrow night.

* The wedding I WILL be at this weekend…eh.

* I don’t know anyone except people in the wedding party, so I get to sit by myself at the ceremony and then be at a table with people I don’t know for the reception. I’m realizing more and more how un-needed I was for this weekend and should have gone to my friend’s wedding.

* BUT G was our best man and is like a brother so I didn’t really have a choice. Stupid grown up decisions…

* BUT, BUT: did you hear?? The groomsmen’s tuxes have RUFFLED SHIRTS. GUYS. RUFFLES. And it’s not 1970. This hilarity of this might make this weekend worthwhile.

* And yes, I WILL have pictures of this and I will just crop out Mr. A’s head.

* Also, there should be super amazing food and drinks. And for the guests, that’s really what weddings are about, right?!

* So, first week of teaching has gone well. I love teaching juniors and seniors. They actually try and don’t want to fail. They also will answer questions and think about things. It’s wonderful.

* Their first assignment is to analyze a political cartoon and I am getting some awesome cartoons in since they had to get them approved. I think these papers are going to be awesome. (Or, at least I hope so…)

* If our secretary doesn’t get off her power trip, I might lose it. The end.

* I didn’t realize until last night, but my dress for tonight’s rehearsal dinner and my dress for the wedding tomorrow are both dark blue. This is what happens when I can’t wear the pretty cream dresses I found since, you know, I’m not the bride and I know I would have been a little miffed it someone wore cream/white/ivory to any of my events.

* I want a puppy. In a bad way. I can’t stop looking at adoption sites. They are so adorable.

* Also, it hit me this week that Mr. A will be applying for his first choice of job type in the next two months. And the selection boards are in October. We might know whether he gets this certain type of job by the end of the year. IN LIKE 6 MONTHS!!!! Craziness. I just hope it all works out.

* I might need some meds to get me through the next 6 months because I am a super planner, but I also get my hopes up and if it doesn’t work, then we are back in limbo and looking for firm or other types of jobs and then I’ll be even more stressed since I won’t have a freaking clue where we will be living.

* Yeah…I will probably have a lot to blog/vent/rant about in the next year. Get ready. My 4 weeks of calm summer vacation are over and now all the shiza is about to hit the fan.

 

OKay. I’ve obviously had a lot of coffee since I wrote this in about 15 minutes. Have a wonderful weekend and I’ll keep you updated on those ruffled shirt pictures. ;o)

Back to School?

Well, my little world just got turned on its head tonight. I was thrown for a loop and not exactly sure what to do about it or what my course of action should be.

First of all, for the background, read this post, and then read this post. It explains what has been going on and the emotional turmoil that’s been going on. I know I have some new readers, so this should help.

But in case you don’t feel like reading 3 whole posts, here’s the short version: I went to school to teach high school English. Interviewed for a job that was English, but truly, mostly a drama teacher position- which entails putting on two (very high quality) shows. We moved 1.5 hours away. This was the school I student taught at and, from what I can tell, they loved me. They didn’t hire me for that job. I believe because they knew I would leave in 3 years and they didn’t want to have to hire another drama teacher. Self esteem= big puddle of goop on the floor. (for more details, read the posts.)

So here I am. I decided to put thoughts of teaching behind me, at least for now and focus on other things. This retail job isn’t what I wanted to do long term, but it was a job and I am excited about it. I felt so accomplished having a full 8 hour day. I even relished in only having 30 minutes for lunch and shoveling food into my face and racing back to work.

And then tonight happens.

I get a Facebook message from my supervising teacher tonight that the school, which I will call MHS, has a new opening for a high school teacher.

WTF?!?!?!?!

It is listed as an interim full time position through the end of the school year. This doesn’t necessarily guarantee a job for next year or anything. I messaged her back and asked who was leaving and she replied that someone (not her) was getting a new position. I have no idea what that means.

Sounds great, huh? A position at a school that I’ve already been and they know me and like me (presumably since the principal said she would be a reference for me.)

But wait. Remember, this school id 1.5 hours away. That means, 3 hours driving. every. single. day. That means a tank of gas every other day. Which would cost about $200/week. And my car is 9 years, going on 10 years, old and over 180,000 miles on it. We were just hoping it would get through a couple more years. If I drive it like this, I don’t know that it would make it through May.

So, I would have to be at school no later than 7:30am everyday. So, I would leave at 6am at the latest. I would be at school, all day long, and if I left at 3:30pm, that puts me home at 5. But if I had anything to do after school, I’m not getting home till the earliest, 6pm. That leaves me 3 hours to grade, lesson plan, eat dinner, and shower before needing to be in bed by 9am so I can wake up at 5am and still be rested so I’m not a zombie. 3 hours. I did this to an extent when I was a long term sub and worked an after school program. 3 hours goes super quick when you have a pile of papers to grade and all you want to do is eat and cuddle with your husband.

And, if you read the second post, this means I’m around the girl who I really don’t care for all that much.

And I don’t even have a job offer. This is just an open position that I would have to apply for and interview for all over again.

Did you guys read how pathetic I sounded in the second post? Because I re-read it and I was in tears remembering that. There are people who have it a million times worse than I do/did, but that was terrible for me. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. My poor husband, who had only become my husband a month and a half beforehand, was probably thinking he made a mistake. (Lucky for me, he’s the most understanding guy in the world and I could not have gotten through all of this on my own.) My self-esteem was at its all time low and I just wanted to disappear.

And as Jessica from Acting Adult and Melissa from DuolyNoted told me via my Twitter rant today, the fear of being rejected again isn’t a good enough reason not to apply. I’m just terrified. To get rejected twice would be heartbreaking. It’s almost as if I wish this opportunity never presented itself so I didn’t have to think about it.

But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign. No, I wasn’t meant for the job that also included directing two plays since I would really be too far away to do so. But here is another chance. A job that doesn’t require as much extra attention, but still a teaching job. What I went to school for.

The other problem is that I have been wondering if I was meant to teach. I see some of the things my teacher friends post on Facebook, and all I think is, “I would never have come up with that.” I think the worse thing is a bad teacher because all they are doing is hurting the students. A teacher who doesn’t care or who doesn’t know their material is much more detrimental than a class with more students. I don’t want to fail the students.

This is so hard and confusing. I’m afraid to apply, because then if they offer me the job, I feel obligated to accept. This is why I am thinking about all of this before it’s even truly necessary.

Mr. A thinks it might be a good idea. He says we can afford the gas and that I would be making a full-time salary with benefits. Also, he thinks this might be the perfect chance for me to decide if I really want to teach or not since it doesn’t seem like this position would necessarily guarantee a job after this school year.

I called my mom and she was so shocked and blown away, like I was, that she wants us to both have time to think about it and talk this weekend. I was resigned that a teaching job wasn’t going to happen this year because of the shitty economy and I would just go a different route until later. But now I’m wondering if this is God putting something before me that I never expected.

I don’t know. I need help and I need advice. I plan on e-mailing the principal on Monday to get some more information, but I need to make some decisions this weekend. Because if I interview and they offer, it seems like I would be starting right away.

What would you do? Is the commute worth it? I would basically never see Mr. A during the week and I would probably spend most weekends grading and planning my life away. Also, I would feel guilty already quitting this new job, so I would probably still work weekends and all during Christmas break for them and then be done when the holiday season was over. I need some serious guidance because my mind is swirling and I can’t figure out what to do.

A little rant

This will probably be a random rant. I completely understand if you stop reading now. I won’t be offended. Come back tomorrow and I’ll be chipper again.

 

• I would give anything to have someone else come and do the dishes that are in the sink. When he graduates, we will not settle for an apartment or house that doesn’t have a dishwasher. I may be working on becoming more domestic, but I don’t like spending at least an hour of everyday washing the same dishes over and over.

 

• College students: Learn to drive. Seriously. When at a four way stop, you TAKE TURNS. And if the person next you was there first, they get to go before you. Just because you roll a stop sign doesn’t mean it’s your turn and doesn’t mean I am going to be happy when you nearly t-bone me EVERY time I go through the intersection by my apartment. Get off the phone, pay attention, and go back to driving school.

 

• Note to husband/law school friends: I no longer want to hang out with your law school friends. I’m sure they’re great people and I’m glad you like them, but I can’t do it anymore. I DO understand that law school is completely time consuming and it also takes up most of your thoughts and your brain power. I live with a 1L. I get it. But can’t we go out and you not make jokes about whatever “funny” law school term you learned this week? And once, it’s funny. The 20th time in an hour? No longer funny. Also, quit asking me every time you see me if I found a job. I haven’t. And if I had, my husband, who is counting on me to pay bills and buy food, would have told you that I found a job. Especially since you guys spend about 20+ hours a week together. It’s a touchy subject and I don’t like being reminded of it when I’m out drinking and trying to enjoy myself. And no, I can’t go back to school right now. Guess what? I can’t afford any more loans. Thanks.

 

• I really want to send out a Christmas card this year. It’s our first year being married and not everyone has access to see our wedding pictures. I found an awesome one that doesn’t cost that much, especially when I used a couple promo codes to get the cost down. Husband thinks they cost too much. $35 for personalized cards and matching address labels that on any other site I found that would be at least $100 is not bad. AND it costs less than the trip he wants to take to Utah this Christmas break to go rock climbing with his cousin. Give me the effing $35. It’s not too much to ask.

 

• MIL is now mad because we spent all day Saturday with Mr. A’s father and stepmom out on the lake. YOU WERE AT A GOLF TOURNAMENT/GIRL’S WEEKEND. You DON’T have to see him every time he’s within 50 miles of you. And he also needs to spend time with his dad, who he sees drastically less often than he sees you. We never planned on being there all day. We were going for lunch then heading home. But the weather was amazing and they invited us out on the boat for a little bit with all of their marina friends. Then, they were having a fish fry that night, and since we were already there, we figured why not take the whole day off and enjoy it. Also, Mr. A made some networking connections and may have a summer job lining up already. So guess what? It was worth it and I refuse to feel bad about our impromptu lake day.

 

• I want a dog. I know we have no business what so ever getting ourselves a big financial commitment. I do. I’m not dumb. Dogs are expensive. But we said we were going to get one this summer and I really want a dog. I’m home by myself all day and I would love a little companion. Also, I have all sorts of time to work on training the puppy. Oh well. This is a losing battle because Mr. A really wants one as well, we just can’t.

 

• Anyone find a HUGE bag of money? If so, send our way.

 

• I know things will get better. I know this. I’m just bored, which then turns into resentment and anger. I’ve been looking for volunteer opportunities to get out of the house, but that’s also turning out harder than expected as well.

 

• So I don’t look like a complete whiny bitch, I’ll end on a happy note. Husband and I were meant to be married. We are better than we have ever been. I can’t pinpoint it, but there is definitely something different now that we’re married, and it’s more than the piece of paper we signed. We talked about this the other day and we are just a couple meant for this. We still have our rough days or times when I wish I could go away for a couple hours, but overall, we are a great married couple. I do love him with all of my heart. Times aren’t easy right now, but he has been more supportive than I ever would have imagined.

I’ll go make my derby pie, eat some chocolate, and I’ll be back to my positive self in no time. After some wine, of course.

Finding Comfort

Comfort is…

… checking the front door lock 5 times before going to sleep

… knowing that even though times are tough, I made the right decisions about my life

… my husband holding my hand in the middle of the night after a bad dream

… knowing my parents will help us if it gets to that point

… knowing my parents still believe in me and know there is only so much I can do right now

… even though I don’t have people here to socialize with, I have Twitter and blog friends to share recipes and funny stories with

… watching too many episodes of The Office to keep my mind off things

… knowing our close friends had a healthy and beautiful baby girl today and Mom is doing wonderful

… talking to my mom

… husband cleaning up the kitchen for me after a bad day

… doing something. Anything at all to get me out of the apartment

… sweet tea

… knowing that when we do have kids, Mr. A will be a wonderful dad

… already knowing what type of dogs we are going to get and what their names are

… Mr. A loving law school

… Mr. A being good in law school

… knowing we get to move to a city we love in 3 years

… telling myself I am doing everything I can at the moment

… wine. In any form.

… making plans. This weekend. Next month. Christmas.

… reading blogs and finding connections with people

… looking through wedding pictures and wishing I could relive that day

… sitting on the couch. Husband next to me. Spending quality time together. Not wanting this moment to end.

Judgement

I want nothing more than to tell you all that I found a job, made some friends, and that I’m not dreading this week because Mr. A will be gone all week on a work trip. But I can’t lie.

Yeah, the economy blows. I get that. I also know that we just moved to a college town that has however many 20-somethings, just like myself, looking for work. Employers have hundreds of applicants, probably hundreds more than they usually do. I logically know that this will take some work and some dedication. I also know I need to grow a pair and be a little more confident and pushy. Not obnoxious pushy, but get myself out there. And I’m terrible at that. I never ordered my own food at restaurants until I was about 13 because I didn’t like to talk to strangers. I’m still a little off talking to new people. However, working at the bank, I had a blast being a teller and talking to new people everyday. Weird, huh?

Even knowing this, I avoided my 5 year high school reunion because I didn’t want to answer questions like, “What are you doing?” I know some of them are having the same problems, but I also know a lot of them are insanely successful, especially since most of us just graduated in the last year. One of my closest friends from high school? Got a job paying over $60,000 a year and her salary will climb. People in law school, medical school, grad school, dream jobs. I reasoned my way out of the reunion saying that I didn’t talk to most of them or there is no point in a 5 year reunion. Things like that. But if I’m honest, I couldn’t stand the idea of admitting to people that I went to college for 4 years and I’m unemployed without promising prospects.

So I’ve been playing self-therapist. Which probably isn’t a great idea, but being unemployed prevents me from a real one.

I’ve had another situation like this in my life where I hid and couldn’t face anyone. My sophomore year of college.

My freshman year, I did what most freshman do. I partied too much and thought I could slip by with as little effort as I did in high school. I mean, I was an honor’s student and I still had plenty of social time and rarely studied hard. I figured college was the same.

Well, anyone who went to college knows that isn’t true. So, my grades weren’t great. I didn’t fail anything, but I also didn’t get an A in anything either. I wasn’t put on suspension or probation, but the parents weren’t pleased. And how did they know? My parents were very strict, and they said if they were paying for school, they better have the password for my school accounts that posted grades.

Mom and Dad yanked my ass home. I would be going to community college for a year. if I could pull my act together, I could go back for junior year. If not, then I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

This was by far the most embarrassing situation I’ve ever had to deal with. Here I was, with a new boyfriend of two months (the current husband), lots of friends at school, and now I had to come up with what to tell people about not showing back up for classes come August.

My route? Only tell the absolute closest friends, tell them my parents were being ridiculous, and not tell anyone else. One of the guys I was friends with, come April when I knew I would be returning and I said something about it, he didn’t know I was gone. He saw me a lot of weekends because I came to visit Mr. A, and he thought I was just busy during the week.

The devastation? My self esteem and confidence. I lost most of my friends because most friendships are relationships of proximity and 220 miles is quite a separator. I thank God everyday that the husband stuck with me. I didn’t go hang out with people when I was home. I sat in my room, ate, watched tv. I put on 35lbs that year. Lots went wrong.

Until now, I thought nothing could bring me lower.

Next week, the husband starts law school. I’m assuming there will be some social events for law students and their significant others.

Can you imagine a more terrifying and humiliating experience? Walking into a room of law students and telling them I sit at home all day? I can’t. The reunion would have been a walk on the beach. At least I knew those people and some of them would have at least been sympathetic to the situation.

Or maybe I’m putting law students on some pedestal. Maybe I’m letting the stereotypes get to me. But still. Getting into law school is prestigious and takes a lot of brains and work.

I’m only telling about this because I need an outlet. I hate being mopey. There are people that have it a lot worse than i do. I should be grateful for student loans to help us until things get settled and such. I am lucky that Mr. A’s mom is going to help out because she says that if we weren’t married, she’d be helping out anyways.

Most of all, I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never once judged me. Yes, he wants me to find a job, but more so we don’t have to keep taking out exorbitant loans. He would never think less of me.

I’m lucky, and I know it. I just need to believe it. And find some IRL friends. Do they have speed dating for friends??

This will be random

I realized that after my last post, this lack of blogging probably looks like I curled into the fetal position and haven’t been heard from in a week.

I assure, this has no happened.

Truthfully, the post slightly embarrasses me because I completely fell apart to a bunch of strangers. I looked selfish and whiny, especially in connection to the other girl who got the job. I hate that I came off that way. What I hate even more is that is how I truly felt. I couldn’t find a way, at the time, to suck up the pride and be truly and genuinely happy for her.

I’m not completely there yet, but I am MUCH further than last week. I AM happy for her. It still stings a little and I wouldn’t want to hold a full conversation with her about it, but I’m doing better.

I’ve taken a job search break this week because I had reached my breaking point, which was posted all over the internet through this blog, but I will get back to it soon. Probably next week when we FINALLY and officially move to our new apartment in C-town.

Which brings me to another topic: in-laws.

So you know how I’ve said how much I love my in-laws and how my MIL is wonderful and all sunshine and gumdrops??

Yeah, not so much.

Mr. A and I have been living at his mom’s house for the past week because, despite the fact that we moved all our stuff into the new apartment. I still had work in M-town and the mister was finishing summer classes and working as well.

When we decided this, I thought to myself, “Sure. That won’t be so bad. I love my MIL and it’s only 3 weeks, right?”

WRONG. So very wrong.

I married my husband because I love him. Also, because I can spend large amounts of time with him and not want to kill him. This is not the case for most people. Or truthfully, anyone else. I like down time and alone time. I like my space. I like to know where things are. And I like to be left alone.

That doesn’t happen here.

First, there’s my BIL. I may have said it before, but he could be his own post. Mostly me ranting about how much of a waste of space lazy useless unemployed he is.To catch you up, he failed out of college. Twice. (he’s only 20 years old.) He doesn’t have a job. Mr. A and I believe he has been lying about filling out job applications and not actually doing them. He spends money like he works full time. His girlfriend….I won’t even get started because I won’t be able to stop. Every time he talks to me, or more appropriately, about me, he says rude things, and when talking to him mom, he says things in a way as if he’s trying to get me into trouble. Like I’m 12 years old. “Hey mom, did you know Mrs. A made a PBJ with those oatmeal cookies?” Why yes she did because we talked about it the night before while you stayed in your basement room playing World of Warcraft all night.

And the most annoying? He acts like all of this is okay and there is nothing wrong with him draining money from his mom because she can’t seem to tell him no. Yet, she complains to Mr. A and myself about this whole ridiculous situation. I really want the husband to grow a pair and tell her how it is. Tell her to stop babying him, tell him to get off his ass and do something with his life. Get  a job and quit being emo and hiding in his room with his video games.

Blargh.

I won’t pretend I know what it’s like to want to do everything for your child to help them succeed and how devastating it is to see a kid fail, but this is ridiculous. He’s 20, 21 in a couple months. Do you really want him and his gross girlfriend living in your basement until he’s 30? Didn’t think so.

Back to living with the in-laws….

It’s also hard to get some alone/down/quiet time. I feel like I’m supposed to be constantly socializing when all I want to do is go to the bedroom, put on my comfy clothes and read a book or blog or do whatever I want to do. Without being asked to go show an aunt wedding pictures, or help make dinner, or feeling like I’m supposed to be hanging out. It’s frustrating.

I also can’t find anything, so trying to cook is near impossible without me getting completely in a tizzy and giving up.

So, I said this would be random….

The OC series has always been my favorite.

Trashy reality tv? I’m in love. We’ve been without the BRAVO network the whole time I’ve been in M-town, but the MIL has it. It’s all I watch. Real Housewives of any city? I’m addicted. I hate Danielle. I love the rest. Top Chef? I missed you. Teen Mom on MTV? Still a favorite.

Books? I can’t wait to start all your suggestions from GoodReads. However, I am sticking to my goal of re-reading ALL the Harry Potter books before the 7th movie. I adore these books. And no. I didn’t jump on the bandwagon a couple years ago. I have been reading since 5th grade, when I had to wait a year and a half for the next one. It was a part of my childhood and growing up and I love them and I will be so sad after next July and it’s all over. But, I get to relive some of it now. Please tell me I’m not the only one who just loves these books? Or just lie to me so I feel like less of a dork….

Enough hodge podge. Planning on finishing wedding blogging tomorrow. I’m halfway there. Professional pictures take forever to load.

Also, thank you to everyone who commented about the job situation last week. You can’t know how much it meant to me. I needed to hear those words and know that others out there care or are trying to give me advice to get me through this stage. My deepest and sincerest thank you.

Learning to Go With It

A quick little post. I’m trying to finish wedding picture posting tonight. We shall see.

But, first things first.

I didn’t get the job. No. No pity. I’m just fine. Actually, it was a relief. The combination of a 2 hour commute, internship requirements, and teaching TWO plays at a school that is known for their fantastic plays. That’s a bit too much. Especially for a first year teacher who has to come up with ALL of their lessons and units since I don’t have years worth of experience and activities to back me up.

I also found out that they picked someone else because they knew Mr. A is in law school, and no matter what I said, they knew I would be gone in 3 years and they don’t want to be hiring another drama director in 3 years. The principal even told me that I could use her as a reference and to call her if I ever need anything. I think the other person was just a better fit. So no hard feelings.

So I’m fine. However, I was a little depressed when I found out Friday. Even though I was relieved, this is the first job I have ever interviewed for and didn’t get the job. So that was a blow. Mostly to my ego.

This whole experience right now has been a blow to my ego and what I’m doing with my life. And maybe this is teaching me to come back to earth, work a little harder, get a little creative, and toughen up. I’ll get there. I’m actually doing better with this than I ever thought I would be. Now, if I don’t get a job soon, that could be a different story.

So that’s that. It happened. It’s a learning experience. I’m moving on.

I’ve contemplated not posting this part, but so many of you have become like friends, and I think i just need to get it off my chest so I can move on. Because keeping it to myself isn’t doing me any good. And I’m displacing my anger on others. Mostly, my husband. For better or worse, right?

Mostly, I need to let it go. But for some reason, it keeps nagging me. I think the universe is having fun testing every area of my personality that I have issues with. At the same time.

Please don’t judge me. I’m working on it.

So. I didn’t get the job. Want to know who did? A girl I graduated with. A girl who was in my group of friends. We were/are friends. But she’s shady and I’ve decided not to be as close with her because of certain things. But she’s friends with my friends, so I’m a little stuck. It also doesn’t help that I became friends, then found out she and Mr. A knew each other from grade school/ high school and HATE each other. Can you say awkward?

Well, she also applied for this job. Fine. Perfect. We all need a job. But she knew I student taught there. She knew I was close with a bunch of the teachers. So she started asking me for tips/inside information. Not ONCE did she ask if I was applying. Granted, she knew we were moving, but she could have asked. Nope. She just wanted the inside scoop.

I, being selfish and bothered by all of this, was vague. I didn’t go totally mean girls and give wrong information, but I didn’t really give anything.

Of course, when I show up for the interview, she’s walking out. She made a couple snide, underhanded comments about, “I don’t know about that commute.” or “Can you teach drama?”

WTF.

See? It’s getting to me. And then she got the job. And, even though I’m pretty sure of the reasons I listed above for my not getting the job, but what if?

What if they didn’t really like me even though I was there for 5 months. What if they thought she was better qualified, even though we took all the same classes and my gpa was better? What if they thought she would be a better teacher than me? What if they thought I wouldn’t be a good teacher? There are a lot of what if’s right now.

And you know the biggest thing about all of this? It hit my ego. It’s blasted my self-esteem into dust and I’m not sure what to do.

Yes, I know I wrote 5 paragraphs ago about embracing this experience and branching out. But I went to school for 4.5 years to be a teacher. I loved student teaching. But what if I’m not good enough? What if I picked the wrong career path? I can’t afford to go back to school. And the other things that interest me would involve me practically starting over in undergrad AND getting a master’s. Forensic psychology? Master’s needed plus specific training. Interior designer/event planner? Business or interior design degree and experience. PR or marketing? Business degree. Child therapist/psychologist. New undergrad and master’s.

This is not what I started this post as. But it’s all pouring out of me. I’m talking to the husband on Facebook, freaking out. I’m crying in my makeshift room at my MIL’s house and I’m feeling very lost and confused. Ashley, from the Accidental Olympian, I am getting a glimpse of what you felt like when you had to change jobs.

I think I need a BIG box of wine, True Blood season 2 on DVD, my comfy pajamas and to wallow for a few days.

Too bad I’m in a wedding Saturday and have a bachelorette thing tomorrow, rehearsal Friday, and wedding Saturday all day. And did I mention that this friend that got the job is part of the wedding so I get to be with her all day and cringe every time someone congratulates her or she asks me more about the school? Shoot me.

****

I just reread this. I sound pathetic. And I am. I’m not looking for pity. Maybe just advice on how to pick up the puddle that used to be my confidence and find a job. And hoe the heck did I go from being “fine” to a withering blob on the floor in one post?

Floating

The real world has hit, and has hit hard. We couldn’t even make it through our honeymoon without it sticking it’s spiteful little head into the door of our little paradise.

I know I’ve talked about it before, but now that I’m on the other side of the wedding, I think I am more stressed out than before. Not only have we gone back to zero, we can’t seem to catch a break for anything. I don’t want pity and I’m not trying to whine, but life has crept back up and reminded us that the wedding and honeymoon are over and now we have to deal with everything we left behind.

The largest of this being my lack of a job. I’m feeling rather helpless and worthless. I try to keep reminding myself that I am going into the education field at a time, when in my geographic area, education has been hit very very hard. In my home state, there is not one job south of Chicago, at least not on the major education job search site. I looked at 20+ schools that are withing 1.5 hours of where Mr. A will be attending law school, and nothing. Most schools, didn’t have a single job posting. I saw one chemistry teacher and a couple superintendent jobs. That’s it. I guess I knew all of this, but it’s just hard to come to terms with. My parents wouldn’t let me get a degree in business,  organizational communications, or PR because I “couldn’t find a job”. I wanted to teach and that’s a field that you “can always get a job in”.

Then why is it that ALL of my friends who have degrees in those majors have jobs? All of them.

The school I student taught at has a position opening. I would be driving a little over an hour one way to a from where we will be moving, but that’s not much more than I commuted this past semester. But I haven’t even been called yet for an interview. The teacher I worked under and the principal have told me that they would love for me to work there, but still no call. I applied for another job, but was informed they they hired internally. I found out they KNEW they were going to hire internally, but posted the job and never interviewed a single person that applied and just hired who they were going to. I know if you’re already in the school, it’s just about guaranteed that you will get it, but it’s frustrating. So now I wonder if this other school I applied for will be the same situation.

Mr. A’s best friend’s dad owns a large business and it randomly came up that he needed a receptionist/clerical person, so the friend brought up my name. I’m still waiting to hear more about it. I feel like I can’t turn it down because I don’t have any other options. No, I don’t want to be a receptionist or work in an office my whole life. It’s not what I want to do, but I feel like I don’t have a choice right now.

The other issue hanging over our heads is our lack of a place to live, which falls back to where I will work. If I get this job with the friend’s dad, then we will live in one place and both commute some. If I get this other teaching job, we will live in the town of the university and just I will commute.

We went up to look at apartments last week and it was just disheartening. You can pay $1,200 a month for an apartment the size of most people’s bedrooms in a house, or you can pay more reasonable prices, but be assured that everything you own will be stolen when you leave. Take your pick.

And then there’s the issue of Mr. A’s unreliable vehicle. It tried to explode on me when I was going to my friend’s bridal shower and he had to come rescue me. I know others live with one car, but it really wouldn’t work unless I just find a job in the same city as the school, which could be a real possibility. I’ve decided I will give it until about the beginning of July and then I’m throwing in the towel. I’ll apply at banks and other “more respectable” jobs that I can work full-time. I have a couple years of banking experience, so I’m hoping I can find a banking job.

At the A household, we sure are getting thrown into the world of life after college pretty quickly.

I’ll get back to the wedding updates soon. I just had to get some of this off of my chest. I am thankful for what we have and we will make it work. I know we will.

This useless degree

So, in honor of the current job situation and the fact that the 15 schools in my new state that are within an hours drive of the fiance’s school dont have ONE SINGLE JOB POSTING, I thought I would share this from one of my favorite Broadway shows. I think Beth teaches English, so she might appreciate the humor in it. (My degree is in Engilsh Education, so I am certified to teach, but many of the straight English majors would make fun of us and say we didn’t really know anything about literature, etc. Also, if you were an English major, this is not meant to offend. I just think it’s funny.)

**I’ll write a real post later today.**