Category Archives: Freak Out Much?

Brick Wall

I have hit a wall.

And not a good wall. Not one where I’ve made progress, but now feel blocked. I would have a good attitude about that because at least some progress had been made.

Nope. I hit the wall that was about three feet from the starting line.

This metaphorical wall has to do with working out.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I had been making some progress with the C25K program during the semester, but then the last month happened and I nearly had a meltdown so any and all forms of exercise went out the window.

Hard to get to the gym when you are spending 12-18 hours a day in your office.

Yeah…we are going to hope that never happens again.

So I wanted to get started again this summer. I would have free time and could get into a schedule.

But then these every. single. day. headaches started and I was miserable.

Eventually, I made myself go anyways. I was hoping exercise would help.

And maybe it would have, except I can’t seem to do a damn thing.

Running for a minute feels like the hardest thing on the planet. Lifting weights isn’t very productive because I don’t know how to do much other than a couple arm things and the people that work in our weight room are either super bitchy girls that are just there to flirt or guys who think there’s no point helping me since I’m not trying to bench 100+ pounds.

The personal training sessions are OUTRAGEOUS and they are will students. While I understand this is the field they are going into, most of them are body builders that can eat 3 large pizzas and not gain an ounce. Maybe that’s not how they act, but they intimidate the shit out of me. I’ve also seen a few of them working with other people, and I’ve seen them make fun of their client to their friends when the client isn’t looking.

Sorry, not paying the money to feel even worse about myself.

I’m just frustrated. I’m not in a good place with it all.

I’m mad because I got myself to this point, and I’m mad because I can’t seem to do a damn thing about it.

I;m trying to seriously watch what I eat,but Mr. A (unknowingly) is sabotaging me.

See, Mr. A has gotten into power lifting/body building. (I know. How the HELL did the two of us end up together?! I ask this all the time…)

The boy HAS to eat 5000 calories a day in order to continue making gains. And he’s so serious about all of this that he is in the gym every day, counting out how much protein to make sure het gets enough.

But he can eat whatever he wants as long as he gets enough protein.

Also, he eats like 6 meals a day.

And not small meals. Normal people sized meals, 6 times a day.

Please tell me how that’s supposed to help me who is cutting down on stuff and can’t eat two Big Macs at 10pm? (And yes. He did that the other week. And I of course wanted something too. )

I love food. I do. I love carbs. They are glorious. I have shitty eating habits. I’m fully aware of this.

So while he says he will try to eat better with me, it doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.

I’m about to tell him he can’t eat his extra meals or unhealthy things in the house because I can’t handle it. But that’s not fair to him and it’s his home too, so here I am.

I’m trying some new things today. Going to see how I feel about a cycle yoga class. I’ve never done yoga so this might go horribly. Who knows.

Also doesn’t help that the classes offered are few and at bizarre times.

Can I just have lipo now??

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Filed under A little More About Me, Freak Out Much?, Wannabe former couch potato

Game Plan

So you remember when I wrote this post? (The same misspelling rules will apply for this post. Sorry in advance.)

Yeah. It’s happening.

Tomorrow.

I just want to scream.

It’s never-ending. People are angry on both sides. The e-mails keep coming. Overt threats from superiors keep happening. It’s a nightmare.

Of course, I’m on the side of the quieter group. We’re not going on strik. But we don’t personally dislike anyone that is. It’s fine. Whatever. I will still be more than happy to work with you and talk with you and I will still say hello to you in the halls. Basically, nothing changes about the person in my mind.

HOWEVER, the other side seems to have no such consideration. AT ALL.

We keep getting e-mails basically saying that if we aren’t on strik, then they want nothing to do with us.

It has gone so far as to threaten our grades, degrees, and jobs. Yes. I actually got an e-mail saying this. Shit is exploding all over the place here.

Luckily, I’ve had a couple conversations with f@culty and 98% understand that as TAs, we’re in a weird position and will in no way evaluate us differently or affect our grades based on what we do when tomorrow comes.

But really??!?

For one, it’s illegal. Illegal on so many levels.

Also, they refuse to see our side.

Our side that needs our paycheck. That can’t afford to get our pay docked. The fact that I signed a contract and I agreed to work. I KNEW WHAT I WAS GETTING. Why are you complaining AFTER your signed the contract? You can read. You knew. This just baffles me to no end.

Also, WE ARE TEMPORARY an PART-TIME. We, in no way, deserve the same benefits that full-time f@culty receive. We’re transient. And no, the school should NOT be paying for he@lthc@re for our familes. WE ARE PART TIME.

Basically, I do not agree with what the TA uni@n wants. I don’t.

And I will reiterate- I am not anti-uni@n. I FULLY support the f@culty and their complaints and they should strik since the administration seems to ignore them.

But as a TA, I have a job to do. And I’m not going to strik for things that I am opposed to.

And f@ir sh@re?!

The uni@n goes on and on about how much fees are and how unfair the administration is, but then they take stipend increases off the table and ADD f@ir sh@re to our fees?! They are just hurting the people they “represent”.

And if I get told that I’m only complaining now since the strik is tomorrow, they are wrong. I, and others, have sent numerous e-mails and attended meetings to tell the uni@n how we feel and we are shot down, belittled, told we are wrong and dumb and have no morals.

Oh yeah. The administration has offered pretty good deals. The uni@n has never once brought it to the members to vote on. They aren’t looking out for anyone. They are just as money grubbing as the rest, only the administration isn’t telling me that I have no right to talk and that if I even have a question about something that I am “espousing anti-uni@n rhetoric”.

Sure has been all sunshine and rainbows around these parts I tell ya.

So that’s where we are.

My husband will be walking me and my friends to class on Friday. We’re a little nervous because of the combative and hostile environment that has been created. We don’t know what’s going to happen. I’m sure I’ll be called all sorts of things. Too bad they don’t have a dictionary, because I am NOT a sc@b. I am not covering anyone else’s classes. I am just doing my job and what I believe in.

So we shall see.

I’m fairly anxious and edgy. I can handle being screamed at when I’m doing what I know is right for me. My professors know that I support them. My friends know my heart and know why I’m doing what I’m doing. I can only hope this ends well. And without Mr. A punching someone. He gets a little defensive.

I’ll keep ya posted. Too bad all my anonymity is about to be thrown out the window… Le sigh.

 

**Again, apologies for the spelling goofiness. Trying not to end up on the uni@ns radar. They already keep calling and showing up in my office to harrass me. I would like for my blog to be left alone.

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Filed under A little More About Me, Freak Out Much?, Grad School?, Learning More, Life After College, Teaching in College, WTF

Hindsight

Naive is never a word I would normally use to describe myself. I may seem like a goofy girl sometimes, but I’m always watching, always paying attention, always checking my surroundings.

I spook easily and it doesn’t take much for me to have that gut feeling that something isn’t right, even when there is no real reason for me to think that. I’m just jumpy and I have way too much of an imagination for my own good. I also read too many murder mysteries growing up.

But after last night, I’m just….uneasy.

My undergrad was in a small, safe town. I would run the loop at 10pm without a second thought. You see people walking across campus at night and I have never heard of an incident. If I wanted to leave the fraternity house before my friends were ready, I would just walk back to my dorm alone. It never even crossed my mind that anything would happen. When the ice storm hit and half the state was without power, it was as organized as an event like that can be. The school made sure the students would be warm and safe and taken care of. No problems.

But last night, for some reason that I still have not heard why, the power went out to most of this city, including the university.

2 friends and I were in the library when it happened. Being in a huge building like that and then having it go pitch black is a little creepy. But the generators kicked in and the emergency lights came on, which in the library, made it still bright enough to work and read. We stayed for a while and then decided to call it a night.

Our campus is surrounded by woods, and even has woods in the middle of campus. As we left the library, the full impact of being on a campus without power hit us. We were going to go up to our offices and drop stuff off, but one look at the massive building with dark hallways and we decided we would just go to our cars.

After the hours of 4pm, students with certain car tags can park where the faculty do. It had been raining, so we all parked in the covered parking garage. I assumed the university had generators and had some sort of emergency lighting.

Nope.

That parking garage was absolutely pitch black. You could not see a foot in front of you.

As we were walking up to it and realized it wasn’t lit, we started making jokes, but I think we were all trying to act tougher than we actually felt. It didn’t help that we could hear other students talking, but could not see anyone.

We all safely made it to our cars and we all drove home slowly, despite the fact that I almost hit a kid because he figured he was a pedestrian and the fact that there were no street lights and that he was wearing all black didn’t matter.

But as I drove past the largest dorms, which are a block from my apartment, I saw no less than 30 police cars with lights on and a couple ambulances. I called my friend who had to drive home the same way and we just wondered if a student was hit or if because of the power outage the police came to the dorms since it looked like the ONLY light was in the stairwells.

I heard sirens through most of the night,  but again, assumed it was college kids not willing to take turns at the intersections without power.

However, it turns out there was a small scale riot last night.

Well, the school’s official word is that it was an impromptu party that got out of hand, but that is just bs.

When over 1,000 students are breaking out in fights, shooting off fireworks, (some insist gunshots went off as well), breaking into cars and just destroying things, it’s not a party. 3 kids were taken to the hospital in ambulances. One girl was driving and stopped at an intersection and some guys broke into her car. (She was able to drive off, but with a shattered window and pretty shaken up.)

It has been a bit of an eye opener today. I guess I am naive. I never imagined that the power going out would cause problems like this. Even worse? That walk through the parking garage could have landed us on the front page of the news. Last night, I was creeped out, but the thought of any actual real danger just never occurred to me. I’m used to college campuses being a safe place.

Not so much anymore.

Next time, I’ll be calling campus police to escort me to my car. And I guess I really do need to buy some mace since I tend to work better at night and at school than during the day or at home.

Maybe this just makes me a little less naive. Just sad that “school” is no longer a safe haven.

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Filed under Freak Out Much?, Grad School?, Life After College, WTF

Making “New” Friends

While I’m writing this before my trip, by the time you read this, I will be in Other State and trying to find my way around one of the 5 largest metro areas. (Let’s see how many times I get lost or drive the wrong way on a one way street.)

Not only will I finally be seeing my husband after 3 and a half long weeks apart and getting to experience new restaurants and a new city and a new state and enjoy a little vacation away, but I will also be meeting some blog and twitter friends. 3 internet friends, to be precise.

EEEEEKKKK.

I am so very excited to meet these lovely ladies. I have been reading their blogs since I started this blog of my own. It feels like I have known them for a long time, but at the same time, I don’t know them.

Like me, they keep some things off the blogs and off of twitter. We all do. We all like to keep some things private. And even if I attempted to tell you all everything, it would be impossible.

So here I am, willingly going to meet 3 different women who I have never met before.

Sounds like the start of a horror film, doesn’t it?

Luckily, I have e-mailed and talked to them and I have decided that they are not serial killers or crazy people.

At least I don’t think so…

(Hi ladies. You know who you are. So excited!)

On Monday, I will be meeting up with one and her husband and some of their friends at a baseball game. Hubs and I both love baseball, so I figure it will be some common ground and will be fun. I think I’m less nervous than Mr. A. Poor guy is afraid he will embarrass me or something since these are people I have a connection to, and not him. He will be just fine. He’s good at talking to people. I’m not worried about him.

The other two ladies, we don’t have official plans, but one gets back from out of town on Monday and the other will be busy for the first few days, so once they get back and done with work stuff, we will figure it out.

I feel like I’m in grade school and trying to make new friends on the first day of class. What to wear. What to do. What to say. How to not look like an idiot. That might be the hard one.

Have any of you met up with internet friends? Any tips? Was it as awkward as I’m afraid it’s going to be?

(Girls, I swear I’m normal, I just get nervous meeting new people. Sorry!)

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Filed under Blogging, Confessions, Freak Out Much?, Life After College, The Others

Flying Drama

When Mr. A went to Other State, he drove since he obviously would need his car and he had too much stuff to bring on a flight without baggage costing an arm and a leg.

But I have no desire to spend 11 hours in a car by myself. There’s no need to have two cars there, so obviously, I’m flying.

But here’s a secret:

I’m not a great flier.

I don’t like to fly. Not to the point where I won’t fly, but I don’t like it. I get incredibly antsy and nervous. I have an overactive imagination and it seems to kick into high gear as soon as I settle into my seat.

And takeoff is the worst part. I can’t listen to my ipod to zone out. I can’t read my Kindle. I just have to sit there. Add in the fact that I get headaches pretty easily and my ears pop like crazy, and it’s just not an enjoyable experience.

I usually have about 2 or 3 pieces of gum and I chew like a mad woman to keep the pressure from building up in my ears. I’ll take a couple Advil before the flight and hope that it keeps any potential headache away.

But even better, I usually have my husband with me. Or someone else to talk to. Last year, when we had to get on two different flights both ways to and from Mexico, Mr. A was great and would just hold my hand and make jokes.

But this time?

I’m alone.

No one to hold my hand. No one to tell me that it will all be okay. No one to make stupid jokes and point out the other goofy looking passengers.

I have flown alone before.

I was 10 and I flew back from Salt Lake City while my dad and his girlfriend went on to San Francisco. But this was pre 9/11 and my dad was actually allowed to walk on the plan with me and get me settled in my seat.

But I am a big girl now.

And I can do this.

It;s not like I’m having a panic attack or anything, just…anxious.

My plan is to get to the airport early, allowing me plenty of time to get through security and to find my terminal and gate and all that. I am then planning on going to one of the restaurants and having myself a drink in order to calm my nerves, maybe even take a short nap on the plane.

I’m planning on buying a magazine so I have something to occupy my mind. Luckily, I got into the first boarding group, so I get to pick my seat, which will be an aisle seat, hopefully in the exit row so I have a little more space.

This time tomorrow I will be sweating my butt off and exploring a new city. Now to not panic on the plane.

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Filed under A little More About Me, Confessions, Freak Out Much?, Married Life, What to do?, WTF

Surreal

As I sit here in my apartment, everything is very slowly sinking in.

Tonight, I wrote up a moving week list. It’s two freaking pages long.

And no, I didn’t just list everything to pack. Packing is probably one of the things listed on there the least.

I have about a million errands to run tomorrow so that things go as smoothly as possible.

Deal with getting water turned on at new place, off at old place. Get mail forwarded. Maybe go get driver’s license changed. Start packing kitchen stuff. Reserve our Uhaul for Friday. (Speaking of which, is renting a Uhaul like renting a car where you have to be 25?)

And that’s just Monday.

I keep telling everyone that I’m fine with packing and moving by myself, but today, it seems overwhelming. I look around and holy crap do we have a lot of crap. Our apartment isn’t even that big. Geeze.

And I think it’s just weird to be moving into OUR new apartment by MYSELF. I’m picking up keys alone. Working on furniture arrangements alone. Packing and deciding what to keep and what to toss, alone. I think it’s just a lot to process right now.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if moving was all I was doing. But I just quit my job as well. No, no, no. Not questioning that decision in the least, but it’s still a little surreal and hasn’t sunk in. I keep thinking, “When is my next shift?” Or about what sale is going on or discounts. And when I drive by it hasn’t sunk in that I will only ever walk into that building as a consumer and I won’t be the one required to talk to customers. Again, very happy about this, just hasn’t all hit.

Also, I start grad school in just over a month. It’s all very weird. I’ve been out of school for so long that it is strange to look at the books I will be reading and studying and writing about and fretting over grades. But being a student isn’t the hard part. I will also be a teacher at the same time. And not to bratty 8th graders or know it all high school sophomores.

To college students. Students not much younger than me, and some possibly older than me. And my professors? They will be my colleagues. I will attend faculty meetings and hear office gossip. Being on both sides of the fence might be a bit of an adjustment for me.

And then there’s the fact that I’m currently a married woman living alone.

Mr. A and I have done long distance when we were dating, but that’s exactly it. We were dating. Now, we’re married with a joint bank account and shared responsibilities and shared items.

But I’ve been feeling like I just have an occasional weekend houseguest that already knows where the towels are and how I like my wine.

And I’m kind of afraid that since I’m moving us into the new apartment and that I will be the one setting it up and decorating and making decisions about where things will go and how the flow of the apartment will flow, that I’m going to feel some sense of claim to it. It won’t feel like ours, but instead, mine and when he comes home in August, I will get perturbed if he tries to move things or messes up my routine or schedule.

The worst part is just going to be not seeing him for weeks at a time. Luckily, I get to visit him and the second half will be spent in graduate assistantship training, so I should be kept busy and won’t be too lonely, but I know the first two weeks will be rough.

So for now, as I watch Sex and the City the show for the first time, and pack boxes and plan out my move, I will live in my surreal state and just try to enjoy it. I mean when else could I watch hours of this show, drink wine, take bubble baths, read books, and lounge around in yoga pants?

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Filed under A little More About Me, Freak Out Much?, Grad School?, Home Sweet Home, Life After College, Married Life

3 Steps Back

Wasn’t going to blog today.

But today I was trying to be positive. Today I was trying my hardest to not be in a funk. Today I was working on faking it.

I had lunch with my dad. I ran a couple errands. I wandered Walmart just for something to do. (During that time I realized I’ve developed the new anxious habit of ringing my hands or constantly turning my necklace. My hands are as anxious as I am.)

I took a shower and washed my hair even though it was the last thing I wanted to do. Mr. A and I are going out to dinner just to get out of the house. Do we need to spend the money? Not really. But we need to do something, and since I work all weekend (and the closing shifts) I figured what the hell. Tomorrow’s pay day and we won’t go overboard.

I was even in kind of a good mood. At least not a crying in the shower mood. So I decided to repaint my toenails. They were a dark color and I wanted something fun and bright.

So I start taking the polish off my toes thinking if I wanted to do the new pink or tangerine color.

AND THEN I REMEMBERED THAT MIL AND I GOT NEW MANICURES YESTERDAY AND I WAS USING MY HANDS TO TAKE THE POLISH OFF.

Yepp. Screwed up my brand new manicure that made me smile everytime I looked at the summery color and it wasn’t messed up. It didn’t even last 24 hours before I managed to eff it up. This shouldn’t be life shattering, but of course it put me into tears and ready to punch someone in the face.

That’s my mental space right now. I can’t think about anything other than what is upsetting me and I am a complete space case.

And I don’t even want to paint my toes anymore. Or go out to dinner. I want to sit in my pjs, eat crap food, and not talk to anyone.

Just when I thought I was doing (marginally) better.

That doctor’s appointment seems inevitable.

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Filed under Confessions, Freak Out Much?