FYI

I am still blogging. I haven’t left. We have finally and officially moved into the apartment, but we have no internet. I am currently in a Panera Bread Co. using their wonderful, free internet to write this. Without internet at home, I feel so very disconnected. I see e-mails about new posts and I check Twitter occasionally from my phone (which caused my $50 overage..yikes!) and I just want to blog and catch up with all of you and tweet.

Intenet should be in this week, I hope, and then I will fill you all in on the details.

Miss you!

This will be random

I realized that after my last post, this lack of blogging probably looks like I curled into the fetal position and haven’t been heard from in a week.

I assure, this has no happened.

Truthfully, the post slightly embarrasses me because I completely fell apart to a bunch of strangers. I looked selfish and whiny, especially in connection to the other girl who got the job. I hate that I came off that way. What I hate even more is that is how I truly felt. I couldn’t find a way, at the time, to suck up the pride and be truly and genuinely happy for her.

I’m not completely there yet, but I am MUCH further than last week. I AM happy for her. It still stings a little and I wouldn’t want to hold a full conversation with her about it, but I’m doing better.

I’ve taken a job search break this week because I had reached my breaking point, which was posted all over the internet through this blog, but I will get back to it soon. Probably next week when we FINALLY and officially move to our new apartment in C-town.

Which brings me to another topic: in-laws.

So you know how I’ve said how much I love my in-laws and how my MIL is wonderful and all sunshine and gumdrops??

Yeah, not so much.

Mr. A and I have been living at his mom’s house for the past week because, despite the fact that we moved all our stuff into the new apartment. I still had work in M-town and the mister was finishing summer classes and working as well.

When we decided this, I thought to myself, “Sure. That won’t be so bad. I love my MIL and it’s only 3 weeks, right?”

WRONG. So very wrong.

I married my husband because I love him. Also, because I can spend large amounts of time with him and not want to kill him. This is not the case for most people. Or truthfully, anyone else. I like down time and alone time. I like my space. I like to know where things are. And I like to be left alone.

That doesn’t happen here.

First, there’s my BIL. I may have said it before, but he could be his own post. Mostly me ranting about how much of a waste of space lazy useless unemployed he is.To catch you up, he failed out of college. Twice. (he’s only 20 years old.) He doesn’t have a job. Mr. A and I believe he has been lying about filling out job applications and not actually doing them. He spends money like he works full time. His girlfriend….I won’t even get started because I won’t be able to stop. Every time he talks to me, or more appropriately, about me, he says rude things, and when talking to him mom, he says things in a way as if he’s trying to get me into trouble. Like I’m 12 years old. “Hey mom, did you know Mrs. A made a PBJ with those oatmeal cookies?” Why yes she did because we talked about it the night before while you stayed in your basement room playing World of Warcraft all night.

And the most annoying? He acts like all of this is okay and there is nothing wrong with him draining money from his mom because she can’t seem to tell him no. Yet, she complains to Mr. A and myself about this whole ridiculous situation. I really want the husband to grow a pair and tell her how it is. Tell her to stop babying him, tell him to get off his ass and do something with his life. Get  a job and quit being emo and hiding in his room with his video games.

Blargh.

I won’t pretend I know what it’s like to want to do everything for your child to help them succeed and how devastating it is to see a kid fail, but this is ridiculous. He’s 20, 21 in a couple months. Do you really want him and his gross girlfriend living in your basement until he’s 30? Didn’t think so.

Back to living with the in-laws….

It’s also hard to get some alone/down/quiet time. I feel like I’m supposed to be constantly socializing when all I want to do is go to the bedroom, put on my comfy clothes and read a book or blog or do whatever I want to do. Without being asked to go show an aunt wedding pictures, or help make dinner, or feeling like I’m supposed to be hanging out. It’s frustrating.

I also can’t find anything, so trying to cook is near impossible without me getting completely in a tizzy and giving up.

So, I said this would be random….

The OC series has always been my favorite.

Trashy reality tv? I’m in love. We’ve been without the BRAVO network the whole time I’ve been in M-town, but the MIL has it. It’s all I watch. Real Housewives of any city? I’m addicted. I hate Danielle. I love the rest. Top Chef? I missed you. Teen Mom on MTV? Still a favorite.

Books? I can’t wait to start all your suggestions from GoodReads. However, I am sticking to my goal of re-reading ALL the Harry Potter books before the 7th movie. I adore these books. And no. I didn’t jump on the bandwagon a couple years ago. I have been reading since 5th grade, when I had to wait a year and a half for the next one. It was a part of my childhood and growing up and I love them and I will be so sad after next July and it’s all over. But, I get to relive some of it now. Please tell me I’m not the only one who just loves these books? Or just lie to me so I feel like less of a dork….

Enough hodge podge. Planning on finishing wedding blogging tomorrow. I’m halfway there. Professional pictures take forever to load.

Also, thank you to everyone who commented about the job situation last week. You can’t know how much it meant to me. I needed to hear those words and know that others out there care or are trying to give me advice to get me through this stage. My deepest and sincerest thank you.

Learning to Go With It

A quick little post. I’m trying to finish wedding picture posting tonight. We shall see.

But, first things first.

I didn’t get the job. No. No pity. I’m just fine. Actually, it was a relief. The combination of a 2 hour commute, internship requirements, and teaching TWO plays at a school that is known for their fantastic plays. That’s a bit too much. Especially for a first year teacher who has to come up with ALL of their lessons and units since I don’t have years worth of experience and activities to back me up.

I also found out that they picked someone else because they knew Mr. A is in law school, and no matter what I said, they knew I would be gone in 3 years and they don’t want to be hiring another drama director in 3 years. The principal even told me that I could use her as a reference and to call her if I ever need anything. I think the other person was just a better fit. So no hard feelings.

So I’m fine. However, I was a little depressed when I found out Friday. Even though I was relieved, this is the first job I have ever interviewed for and didn’t get the job. So that was a blow. Mostly to my ego.

This whole experience right now has been a blow to my ego and what I’m doing with my life. And maybe this is teaching me to come back to earth, work a little harder, get a little creative, and toughen up. I’ll get there. I’m actually doing better with this than I ever thought I would be. Now, if I don’t get a job soon, that could be a different story.

So that’s that. It happened. It’s a learning experience. I’m moving on.

I’ve contemplated not posting this part, but so many of you have become like friends, and I think i just need to get it off my chest so I can move on. Because keeping it to myself isn’t doing me any good. And I’m displacing my anger on others. Mostly, my husband. For better or worse, right?

Mostly, I need to let it go. But for some reason, it keeps nagging me. I think the universe is having fun testing every area of my personality that I have issues with. At the same time.

Please don’t judge me. I’m working on it.

So. I didn’t get the job. Want to know who did? A girl I graduated with. A girl who was in my group of friends. We were/are friends. But she’s shady and I’ve decided not to be as close with her because of certain things. But she’s friends with my friends, so I’m a little stuck. It also doesn’t help that I became friends, then found out she and Mr. A knew each other from grade school/ high school and HATE each other. Can you say awkward?

Well, she also applied for this job. Fine. Perfect. We all need a job. But she knew I student taught there. She knew I was close with a bunch of the teachers. So she started asking me for tips/inside information. Not ONCE did she ask if I was applying. Granted, she knew we were moving, but she could have asked. Nope. She just wanted the inside scoop.

I, being selfish and bothered by all of this, was vague. I didn’t go totally mean girls and give wrong information, but I didn’t really give anything.

Of course, when I show up for the interview, she’s walking out. She made a couple snide, underhanded comments about, “I don’t know about that commute.” or “Can you teach drama?”

WTF.

See? It’s getting to me. And then she got the job. And, even though I’m pretty sure of the reasons I listed above for my not getting the job, but what if?

What if they didn’t really like me even though I was there for 5 months. What if they thought she was better qualified, even though we took all the same classes and my gpa was better? What if they thought she would be a better teacher than me? What if they thought I wouldn’t be a good teacher? There are a lot of what if’s right now.

And you know the biggest thing about all of this? It hit my ego. It’s blasted my self-esteem into dust and I’m not sure what to do.

Yes, I know I wrote 5 paragraphs ago about embracing this experience and branching out. But I went to school for 4.5 years to be a teacher. I loved student teaching. But what if I’m not good enough? What if I picked the wrong career path? I can’t afford to go back to school. And the other things that interest me would involve me practically starting over in undergrad AND getting a master’s. Forensic psychology? Master’s needed plus specific training. Interior designer/event planner? Business or interior design degree and experience. PR or marketing? Business degree. Child therapist/psychologist. New undergrad and master’s.

This is not what I started this post as. But it’s all pouring out of me. I’m talking to the husband on Facebook, freaking out. I’m crying in my makeshift room at my MIL’s house and I’m feeling very lost and confused. Ashley, from the Accidental Olympian, I am getting a glimpse of what you felt like when you had to change jobs.

I think I need a BIG box of wine, True Blood season 2 on DVD, my comfy pajamas and to wallow for a few days.

Too bad I’m in a wedding Saturday and have a bachelorette thing tomorrow, rehearsal Friday, and wedding Saturday all day. And did I mention that this friend that got the job is part of the wedding so I get to be with her all day and cringe every time someone congratulates her or she asks me more about the school? Shoot me.

****

I just reread this. I sound pathetic. And I am. I’m not looking for pity. Maybe just advice on how to pick up the puddle that used to be my confidence and find a job. And hoe the heck did I go from being “fine” to a withering blob on the floor in one post?

Guest Post- Get Started

A few weeks ago, you may remember this little post of mine. I NEED to be working out and eating healthier, and I figure there are others trying to do the same, so why not help each other?

I’m hoping to get some more posts or figure out ways to share other helpful exercise tips and healthy recipes, so if you have some, feel free to e-mail me.

Well, here is the first installment of that. D.A.R from Midwest Paradise said she would help. She is an avid runner and she said she would be willing to do a couple posts of how she started, some tips she has and how she overcame the obstacles to keep running. I think this is great for starters like myself to find a reason to get running. Who couldn’t use a little more “me” time?

Enjoy and visit her blog. It’s wonderful!

*******************************

On July 27, 2008, I made a decision that changed my life. I got off of the couch and went for a run.

Despite my lethargic tendencies in the more recent years, I have always been athletic. I played several sports until middle school when I decided to devote myself full time to swimming. I earned a full ride scholarship to college and got to see the country {and England!} via airports, Embassy Suites and swimming pools. With my body fat hovering somewhere under 10%, I ate like a frat boy and lost weight accidentally.

Then on December 14, 2004, I was given a death sentence. At least, a swimming career death sentence. At the time, they felt like the same thing. I was shivering on the exam table in the orthopedic surgeon’s office when I heard “no more, you are done”. With my fifth knee surgery scheduled, I had to hang up my goggles.For nearly four years, I did nothing. I was bitter, I was angry and I sure as hell was not going to work out.

But in July of 2008, I needed to. I attribute much of it to needing an outlet for my stress and an excuse to get out of my house as my husband’s deployment to Iraq in September 2008 was looming all too close. But I think a tiny part of my sudden urge to lace up my {ill fitting and not at all designed for running} shoes and hit the pavement was to reclaim my life. I missed “athletic”, “in shape” and “healthy” being part of my identity. Thankfully, mother nature kept me slender, but I knew that my metabolism wouldn’t be around forever.

So, run I did. At least, to the end of the street. Approximately four driveways down. And then I was out of breath, sweaty, dizzy and wanted to die. I sat down on the curb while my husband debated whether or not to call an ambulance. After a few minutes, I got up and “jogged” another 100 or so yards. And then stopped to stretch. This repeated for twenty minutes, at which time, I am fairly confident I completed exactly 1 mile.

Over the next two months, this little exercise in humiliation, sweat and nausea repeated itself until I could run five miles. It was not fast, and it was not pretty, but I was a RUNNER!

Despite a few set backs and a running hiatus here and there, I have been running for two years now. I have finished two 5ks, two 10ks, a 10 mile trail race and two half-marathons. I have horrible runs. I have boring runs. I have runs that I can barely pry myself out of my bed to complete. But I have also had some magical runs. Runs that make me feel like I am a little kid again, full of energy and life. Now I have my husband hooked on racing and we are looking forward to a long life together…running, racing, maybe even sitting on the curb down the street. And it feels great.

It isn’t always a fun road, but it is always worth it. Some of the best things I have learned in the last two years as I have gone from couch potato to half-marathoner/running addict:

1. Get rid of the guilt. Yes, you will have crappy runs. Yes, you will be slower than other people. Yes, you may have to take walk breaks {or sit on the curb!}. But you are out there moving. Don’t feel guilty for what you aren’t doing, be excited about what you are doing!

2. Celebrate the little accomplishments. Did you just run 10 minutes straight for the first time? Conquer a crazy hill near your house? Finish your first race? Celebrate!

3. Bribe Yourself. For me, knowing that there is a reward {other than the obvious like the number on the scale or on your timex at the end of a run} helps me stay motivated. Even now, two years later! Since I have trouble “sticking with” things, I know that I will have a closet full of cute running gear if I just buy it all at once. So, I let myself splurge a little every now and then after hitting a goal.

4. Make it Fun. Find the fun in it! Remember when you were little and could play for hours and it only felt like a few minutes? Well, a similar principle applies here: if you are having fun, it won’t be quite so agonizing. So, whether you enjoy people watching at the gym, watching your favorite shows while on the treadmill or joining a class, find something you enjoy!

5. Find a Friend. Whether it is a pal across the country that you email about your latest workouts, your husband who drags you out of bed in the morning, a buddy to meet at the gym or the park, find someone to conquer your goals with. Not only will it make it more fun, but it will help you be accountable on those days when your bed or the couch sound like much better choices.

d.a.r.

Wedding Pictures

Here they are finally. This will probably be a picture explosion.

I know I had a freak out over the pictures. And I wish there was more variety or some more “edgy” shots, but I have what I have and I do love them. So here they are.

The date was May 30th, 2010. It was hot. Maybe not hot if you were in shorts and a tank top, but throw on a wedding dress or a tux, and it was hot. Very hot.

(All pictures from http://www.kellymannophotography.com/)

This was the venue:

Some Fun Art

Ceremony

Bar-always important

Dinner Area with my favorite lanterns and black chairs

Mr. A and I decided to see each other before the wedding and do some of our wedding pictures beforehand. When we saw each other for the first time, it was just him, me, and the photographers. No one else. We exchanged our gifts and had a couple minutes with just us. I loved it. The rest of the day was so busy and with so many people around us, that those precious few minutes was the only chance we had alone.

It calmed both our nerves and I was able to just enjoy the rest of the day and not be a nervous wreck or trying to hide from him and all that. I would suggest it for everyone, but that’s just me.

Seeing him for the first time

First meeting...

Before I go on with these pictures, let me explain something. I’m pretty sure I was the anti-bride, as I’ve said before. I was just so freaking excited, that I had this goofy look on my face. Half the pictures have my mouth open because I was laughing and just goofing around. I was incredibly relaxed and just enjoyed the day. So when I look goofy and like a girl just playing in a wedding dress, that’s why.

Exchanging gifts. I got him a really nice watch and he got me the second band, so my rings were all centered...

***My engagement ring was part of a set, with the wedding band. I love it. But, but just one band, the engagement ring looked off center and I knew it would bug me immensely. We talked about getting the other band maybe for the one year anniversary, but when we started talking about wedding gifts, I convinced him to get the band as my gift. Yes, I knew my wedding gift. But if we were going to spend that much money, we both figured it be better that we KNOW the person would love it. Ruins some surprise, but I still loved it.

There's that hand on the hip. I thought it would make my arm look smaller. SO I guess I did it for nearly every picture. Why didn't the photographer warn me?

Close up of flowers from rwdesigns.com

We took our outdoor pictures here. I had more places planned, but since we did these before the ceremony, I didn't want everyone wilted and sweaty. Otherwise, we would have gotten into the fountain...

One of my favorites. We're just silly.

"Show some leg boys!!"

Everything in this picture is important to me. The little blue ring? That was my Grandma S’s ring. She passed away last year after her battle with ALS and I have always remembered this ring. My dad and my aunt decided I could have it and I wear it everyday on my right hand. It was also my something blue.  The gold ring? It was given to my mom by her mom, Grandma R. It’s also a mother daughter ring, and it was my something borrowed. The handkerchief wrapped around the stem was also my Grandma R’s. It was very special to my mom, and even though I didn’t get to know Grandma R as well before she passed, it was special to have as my something old.

Love.

I think I’ll stop here. These were the pictures leading up to the ceremony and reception. I wish I could relive everything about that day. I wouldn’t change a thing.

The Waiting Game

Have I mentioned how not patient I am?

No? Well then, let me tell you.

I am not patient. I hate waiting. And waiting for big things, is even worse. Thanks, Mom. Your impatience has rubbed off.

So, the interview.

It happened. I think it went well, but it’s rather hard to decipher smiles and people taking notes about everything you say. It’s rather intimidating.

And while Beth believes in me, I am not so sure about this drama department duty as well. Not only would I be a new teacher with two preps- meaning I have LOTS of planning since I don’t have years of material behind me, I have KTIP, which is more work- observations, units to plan, lessons to be scrutinized; all the fun perks of being a new teacher, and add casting, rehearsing, and directing a school play?? Not so sure.

To put into perspective, since some of you may think, “Hey, it’s a school play. No big deal. Throw it together.”

No.

The teacher whose position I would be filling, left teaching to go pursue her acting career. Also, the school did Les Miserables in the spring. What high school does Les Mis??? And from what I’ve heard, it was fantastic.

They adore their theater department. I would be more than happy to help out, but I’m not sure I want to be the one in charge, at least not yet.

So we wait.

I’m supposed to hear something by the end of the week, but we all know how that goes.

I’ve decided what happens, happens. If I get offered the job, then I will work my ass off this next year and try to figure out a way to get it to work. If they pick someone else, then it wasn’t meant to be and I’ll figure something else out.

So that’s where we are people.

I wore hair half up and I wore the glasses. I decided once it was all put together, the glasses looked good with it all. A girl I graduated with was also interviewing, so we shall see what comes of this.

Working on pictures of the apartment and the wedding. There are a TON!

Thank you for all the support and kind words. It means a lot.

Also, I think my husband is in love with Lance Armstrong, but that’s for another day….

Nervous

Just wanted to do a quick update and let you know that I have a job interview. Even better- a teaching job interview.

They called at 4 yesterday and the interview is tomorrow at 10:30am. I’m so incredibly nervous.

It’s with the school I student taught at, so I’m hoping I at least have a reasonable chance. The only issue is that I believe the drama club is attached to this teaching position. I love drama and theater, but as a first year teacher, that’s a lot to take on. Here, my first year is an internship year, where I have a mentor and have so many observations and lesson plans to turn in. It’s A LOT of work, so I would be a little scared to also add two plays to that mix.

But I hope you guys will wish me luck and think about me tomorrow morning. I could really use this job. We could really use this job.

Thanks everyone!

***Update- Interview appropriate?

–2 Questions

1. Do I wear my hair down, or do I pull half of it back into a clip? Not sure which one is more “professional”

2. Glasses or no glasses? I’m not sure if glasses will block my eyes, so I should leave them off, or if they add a touch of “teacher-ness”? Input?

I’ll be wearing a suit, if that helps at all….

***Wedding pictures tomorrow!