Truth Time: Unemployment

Something I have always strived to do with this blog is be honest. To give as much of a real view of my life without giving away things that could come back to bite me in the butt. I don’t post my name or city we live in. I won’t air our dirty laundry and even some things that I want to blog about, I think better of and decide that maybe I don’t want to deal with those consequences.

But something I worked hard to be honest about was my time of unemployment.

I’m pretty sure it is obvious how miserable I was. Click any of the tags or categories called jobs, job search, life after college, freak out, WTF. There are tons. I would link them, but I don’t think you want 12 lines of links.

But something I found during that time was that I felt very very alone. I felt like no one understood what was going on, what I was going through, how I felt or the emotions I was battling every day.

But here I am on the other side.

In 3 days, I start my workshop training for my graduate assistantship. 2 weeks from Monday, I officially start grad school. Not only is my grad school being paid for, but I will also be getting a pay check. I am on the upside of this year long ordeal.

But it was an ordeal.

I couldn’t imagine that a year later, I would be sitting here, looking over my new school supplies, picking out which outfits to wear, getting keys to my office in the English department at the university. I never thought I would be here.

Unfortunately, I know there are plenty of others who are where I was a year ago.

This is my way of reaching out to YOU.

YOU are not alone. While every situation is different, I at least have some idea of what you are going through.

Whether you are just out of college, if you had a job and lost it because of downsizing or whatever reason, if you took the bar and are waiting for results, if you are underemployed, because believe me, I may have only been unemployed for 5 months, but I was extremely underemployed for 8 months and it was rough.

There was one blogger who I found that helped to just know someone else had gone through this. Ashley from Accidental Olympian Alaskan was amazing. She might be a little embarrassed and be all, “I just wrote my story blah blah blah”. She was the only other blog (that i found at least) that was honest about what being unemployed felt like for people who worked so hard in college and had degrees in fields that should have jobs and not finding anything. For applying for job after job and getting turned down. She was open with her emotions and depression that resulted. And THANK YOU ASHLEY! I told her in a million different e-mails how much I appreciated her honesty. (Ashley, i swear I’m not a stalker, but I think you deserve some acknowledgement! YOU ROCK GIRL!) And even if you have a job, go check out her blog. She has a job now, just moved to Alaska, and posts cute pictures of her dogs and of areas in Alaska that are breathtaking. And she’s pretty damn hilarious.

I am not nearly as eloquent as Ashley. I know that. I’ve re-read some of my posts from that time and they ramble and I come across very pathetic. I know it. It’s okay. But I always wanted my readers to know what was going on. I didn’t want to hide it and make it sound like I was thoroughly enjoying my time at home and being little miss homemaker and didn’t have a worry in my head.

So. Not. True.

I was a wreck. Maybe the first month was kind of fun since we had just gotten married, moved to a new city, had a new apartment. But that wore off quickly. In that first month, I never imagined I wouldn’t have a job for another 4 months.

And yes, the big D word hit me hard. I was not myself for a long time, even after I got the job in retail. I was so underemployed that I felt worthless. There were days that maybe I got out of bed, but only to stay in my pajamas, move to the couch and watch Netflix all day. I didn’t want to spend any money because we were truly living off of student loans. I cried more than I have ever cried. I was short with my husband. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I would snap on my parents when they would ask me how things were going, even though they were being incredibly supportive and knew that I was working as hard as I could to get a job.

I feel I’m rambling.

Basically, I just want anyone out there going through a hard time that you are not alone. And if you EVER just need to vent or talk to someone who has a slight idea of what you are feeling, do NOT hesitate to e-mail me. I won’t think you’re weird or anything. I don’t want anyone to feel isolated during this time. It is hard. I know that. But both Ashley and I are a couple of the stories that prove that it does get better. (I hope that phrase isn’t copyrighted…) And if I have to send you an e-mail everyday reminding you of that, I will. If that will help, I will do it.

One thing. People who haven’t been through this, they really won’t understand. They may empathize, but they won’t truly get where you’re at. My husband, who saw me every day and knew that I was doing everything in my power to find a job, he still didn’t get it. He would get frustrated at times because his new wife, the girl he knew to be fun and outgoing didn’t want to leave the house. Didn’t want to put on clothes or makeup. He couldn’t grasp how I was feeling.

But here I am. I am offering my support. My love. My words of encouragement. It does get better. I promise. Even if it’s 6 months or 12 months or 18 months, it will get better and we are here to help you along those rough days.

And lastly, this new song makes me cry every time. No one dies in it. It’s not about a lost love. But the man in the story of the song is so absolutely desperate that even though I didn’t have kids and a family to support, I can sympathize with his emotions. Take a minute and listen to his story. And maybe take a second before judging someone who is currently looking for a job. If you have one, it’s hard to understand why those of us can’t find one. But it is hard out there. There are millions of stories about people applying for jobs they are so overqualified for and being turned down even though they desperately need the money. It’s my PSA for the day.

Ronnie Dunn- Cost Of Living   (Won’t let me insert video, but this link will take you to it. Give it a few minutes. It’s something close to my heart.)

2010- The Rollercoaster

When 2009 ended, 2010 was full of promise and optimism. I wasn’t blogging at the time, so I don’t have it all written down, but I was excited. 2010 was going to be THE year. I just didn’t know THE year of what.

I started this year as a bright-eyed new college graduate. I was fresh off an amazing student teaching experience and looking forward to finally not being a student. I was offered a last minute long term substitute job. While it would only be until April, it was like a real job. Also, wasn’t the age I really wanted (8th), but still, I found a job as a December graduate.

I was living in an apartment with 3 other girls. Nothing terrible, but wasn’t happy with it really, so I was basically living at Mr. A’s apartment. Scandal, I know.

The first three months were spent driving 40 minutes each way to work. The school wasn’t great, but I got some great experience and some amazing references for future jobs. I got called a bitch by a student. I was told I was some students’ favorite teacher. The school brought me to tears on my last day as the principal read little notes my students had written to me.

By May, school was out and wedding was all I was thinking of. Last minute details were starting to stress me out. My mom was annoying me, but she had done so much, so I tried to bite my tongue and keep my fiance from getting too upset with her and her endless questions and requests. Seating charts were studied over. Calls of confirmations were made with florists, venues, judge, wedding party, and everyone else under the sun. We dealt with people not RSVPing, people we didn’t want to invite throwing a fit, despite the fact that I had never met them.

But on May 30th, 2010 at 5pm on a gorgeous spring afternoon, we stood in front of friends and family and vowed to love each other, for better or worse, for the rest of our lives. I married my best friend. I giggled through the ceremony because I was so excited. I held my new husband’s hand as it shook from nervousness. I listened to my stepdad get choked up as he prayed and cheered as we were announced as husband and wife. Life ahead of us looked promising.

We spent a couple days with family and friends before setting off on our romantic honeymoon in Mexico. It was our first real trip together and we were excited. Even waiting at the airport, in the heat and humidity, we were light with giddiness. Our room was gorgeous and the ocean even more so. I wanted to lay on that beach all day, listening to the waves crash as we sipped coconut rum and fresh pineapple juices, reading books, and being cooled by the salty breeze and refreshing blue water. It was paradise.

And while I will always look upon our honeymoon fondly and with the deepest desires to go back, maybe as a post law school celebration, there was a stain on that trip.

Our second day in paradise, we received the terrible news that Mr. A’s granny had passed away. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met, and since my last grandparent had passed away less than a year before, she eagerly accepted me into the family as one of her own. We were devastated. Even more so, we wouldn’t be able to make it to the funeral. We both miss her dearly, but we know she’s in Heaven, pain free and watching over us.

The summer of 2010 brought a lot of new changes. We moved into the new city where Mr. A would be attending law school, into our first apartment as a married couple. We set up rooms. Put up decorations and found new cubbies for all our wedding gifts.

Mr. A started law school. We figured out our routine. Well, he had a routine. I was in a rut.

This second half of 2010 has been full of unemployment. The term “funemployment” must have been coined by someone with a job because I will promise you that nothing is fun about it. 2010 kicked my self-esteem to the ground and stomped on it. It showed me that nothing can be taken for granted, not even getting a job. I won’t rehash the desperation, but it was a curve ball.

The last of months of 2010 have been…something. I finally got a job in retail. Retail during the holidays is hell. Also, it seems like shoppers think you’re their personal slave and must be dumb if you work at the mall. Yes, I heard someone talking about me say that I was sure to do whatever they said since I probably didn’t even finish high school. People are swell.

2011, I’m ready for you, and I hope you can beat 2010, especially the last part. You have a big job ahead of you. Hope you’re ready because I’m ready to take it on and gain some of myself back. Just a heads up.

****EDIT****

It’s New Year’s Eve, and I’m sitting in my pajamas, because not only do I have mono, which is strange in itself, but I seemed to have also developed the flu in the past 2 days. Seriously 2010? You just had to rub it all in, didn’t you?

Floating

The real world has hit, and has hit hard. We couldn’t even make it through our honeymoon without it sticking it’s spiteful little head into the door of our little paradise.

I know I’ve talked about it before, but now that I’m on the other side of the wedding, I think I am more stressed out than before. Not only have we gone back to zero, we can’t seem to catch a break for anything. I don’t want pity and I’m not trying to whine, but life has crept back up and reminded us that the wedding and honeymoon are over and now we have to deal with everything we left behind.

The largest of this being my lack of a job. I’m feeling rather helpless and worthless. I try to keep reminding myself that I am going into the education field at a time, when in my geographic area, education has been hit very very hard. In my home state, there is not one job south of Chicago, at least not on the major education job search site. I looked at 20+ schools that are withing 1.5 hours of where Mr. A will be attending law school, and nothing. Most schools, didn’t have a single job posting. I saw one chemistry teacher and a couple superintendent jobs. That’s it. I guess I knew all of this, but it’s just hard to come to terms with. My parents wouldn’t let me get a degree in business,  organizational communications, or PR because I “couldn’t find a job”. I wanted to teach and that’s a field that you “can always get a job in”.

Then why is it that ALL of my friends who have degrees in those majors have jobs? All of them.

The school I student taught at has a position opening. I would be driving a little over an hour one way to a from where we will be moving, but that’s not much more than I commuted this past semester. But I haven’t even been called yet for an interview. The teacher I worked under and the principal have told me that they would love for me to work there, but still no call. I applied for another job, but was informed they they hired internally. I found out they KNEW they were going to hire internally, but posted the job and never interviewed a single person that applied and just hired who they were going to. I know if you’re already in the school, it’s just about guaranteed that you will get it, but it’s frustrating. So now I wonder if this other school I applied for will be the same situation.

Mr. A’s best friend’s dad owns a large business and it randomly came up that he needed a receptionist/clerical person, so the friend brought up my name. I’m still waiting to hear more about it. I feel like I can’t turn it down because I don’t have any other options. No, I don’t want to be a receptionist or work in an office my whole life. It’s not what I want to do, but I feel like I don’t have a choice right now.

The other issue hanging over our heads is our lack of a place to live, which falls back to where I will work. If I get this job with the friend’s dad, then we will live in one place and both commute some. If I get this other teaching job, we will live in the town of the university and just I will commute.

We went up to look at apartments last week and it was just disheartening. You can pay $1,200 a month for an apartment the size of most people’s bedrooms in a house, or you can pay more reasonable prices, but be assured that everything you own will be stolen when you leave. Take your pick.

And then there’s the issue of Mr. A’s unreliable vehicle. It tried to explode on me when I was going to my friend’s bridal shower and he had to come rescue me. I know others live with one car, but it really wouldn’t work unless I just find a job in the same city as the school, which could be a real possibility. I’ve decided I will give it until about the beginning of July and then I’m throwing in the towel. I’ll apply at banks and other “more respectable” jobs that I can work full-time. I have a couple years of banking experience, so I’m hoping I can find a banking job.

At the A household, we sure are getting thrown into the world of life after college pretty quickly.

I’ll get back to the wedding updates soon. I just had to get some of this off of my chest. I am thankful for what we have and we will make it work. I know we will.