Brick Wall

I have hit a wall.

And not a good wall. Not one where I’ve made progress, but now feel blocked. I would have a good attitude about that because at least some progress had been made.

Nope. I hit the wall that was about three feet from the starting line.

This metaphorical wall has to do with working out.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I had been making some progress with the C25K program during the semester, but then the last month happened and I nearly had a meltdown so any and all forms of exercise went out the window.

Hard to get to the gym when you are spending 12-18 hours a day in your office.

Yeah…we are going to hope that never happens again.

So I wanted to get started again this summer. I would have free time and could get into a schedule.

But then these every. single. day. headaches started and I was miserable.

Eventually, I made myself go anyways. I was hoping exercise would help.

And maybe it would have, except I can’t seem to do a damn thing.

Running for a minute feels like the hardest thing on the planet. Lifting weights isn’t very productive because I don’t know how to do much other than a couple arm things and the people that work in our weight room are either super bitchy girls that are just there to flirt or guys who think there’s no point helping me since I’m not trying to bench 100+ pounds.

The personal training sessions are OUTRAGEOUS and they are will students. While I understand this is the field they are going into, most of them are body builders that can eat 3 large pizzas and not gain an ounce. Maybe that’s not how they act, but they intimidate the shit out of me. I’ve also seen a few of them working with other people, and I’ve seen them make fun of their client to their friends when the client isn’t looking.

Sorry, not paying the money to feel even worse about myself.

I’m just frustrated. I’m not in a good place with it all.

I’m mad because I got myself to this point, and I’m mad because I can’t seem to do a damn thing about it.

I;m trying to seriously watch what I eat,but Mr. A (unknowingly) is sabotaging me.

See, Mr. A has gotten into power lifting/body building. (I know. How the HELL did the two of us end up together?! I ask this all the time…)

The boy HAS to eat 5000 calories a day in order to continue making gains. And he’s so serious about all of this that he is in the gym every day, counting out how much protein to make sure het gets enough.

But he can eat whatever he wants as long as he gets enough protein.

Also, he eats like 6 meals a day.

And not small meals. Normal people sized meals, 6 times a day.

Please tell me how that’s supposed to help me who is cutting down on stuff and can’t eat two Big Macs at 10pm? (And yes. He did that the other week. And I of course wanted something too. )

I love food. I do. I love carbs. They are glorious. I have shitty eating habits. I’m fully aware of this.

So while he says he will try to eat better with me, it doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.

I’m about to tell him he can’t eat his extra meals or unhealthy things in the house because I can’t handle it. But that’s not fair to him and it’s his home too, so here I am.

I’m trying some new things today. Going to see how I feel about a cycle yoga class. I’ve never done yoga so this might go horribly. Who knows.

Also doesn’t help that the classes offered are few and at bizarre times.

Can I just have lipo now??

Migraines: Might hate them more than spiders. Maybe.

Last week sucked. Big time.

I had 5 days straight of migraines. Bad migraines. And I still had to work. Under fluorescent lights and music that sounded like it was blaring in my ears. It was pretty much terrible. And my pain meds didn’t do anything for it.

My migraines started in 5th grade. I had a teacher who, for some reason that I still don’t know, really didn’t like me. And while this is going to sound totally douchey, but I was a very good kid and had straight As until the 5th grade. Again, we cannot think of any reason that she picked on me, but she did. (Also, as a teacher, I very rarely think teachers are actually picking on a student and I know there are times I was a pain or deserved a teacher to get on to me, so know I’m not being subjective.) My parents never had parent teacher conferences. They didn’t even go to the ones that the school gave days off for because they just didn’t need them. But they had 7 with her in one year.

I didn’t find this out until recently, but apparently one of these meetings, my very calm and level headed dad was yelling at her and such. I would turn in an assignment, she wouldn’t really grade it, give me a D or and F. Even if I got everything correct. My dad demanded to see tests along with the grading guide and had proof what was happening. All very dramatic for a 10 year old who hated getting in trouble and was terrified of her teacher getting back at her.

So the migraines were stress induced. I missed a lot of school. There was an embarrassing incident where I got a migraine, went to the nurse, and at the time I was prescribed codine, took my meds and then went to P.E. where we were doing our track unit. So I had to run a bunch and didn’t know my medicine caused muscle weakness and I collapsed on the field. Middle school was a blast, ya’ll.

As I got older, I got them every so often. Maybe 4-6 months apart. Not often.

Until college. My sophomore year they picked up. I was waking up in the middle of the night with excruciating and nauseating pain. I was having headaches a lot and I finally went to the doctor when I had 9 migraines in 3 weeks. They put me on a medicine that lowers blood pressure to take daily and prescribed me a migraine pain medicine. The daily medicine worked and all was fine in the world. I would still get a migraine occasionally, but the other medicine would work if I took it early enough. Add in a dark cool room with a cold wash cloth on my head and it would go away.

All very manageable. Until 2 months ago.

2 months ago the migraines started picking up. Headaches were coming almost every day, and if they started in my eyebrow area (where my migraines are when I get one), I would take something for it. Before last week, I had about 10 full migraines in the last two months. Then, last Sunday I believe, I got a migraine that wouldn’t go away or get better no matter what I did. For 5 days, it was constant pain and trying not to get sick and taking medicine to at least try to stop the headache where it was instead of it getting worse. 5 days of working in my own personal hell. 5 days of coming home right after work, eating toast, and going to sleep at 7pm. 5 days of my husband’s last week before he left for his summer associate thing and all I could do was moan and cry and sleep in hopes that I would wake up and it would be gone.

In one crying fit before work, I joked that they would make a Grey’s episode about me because my head was either going to explode or I was going to perform a self lobotomy when I tried to cut out the front of my own forehead. I told him that he had to make sure Derek Shepherd performed the surgery on the show and that he acted very sad when I died since no one survives either of those options. Then I cried more because it hurt to cry and all I wanted to do was scream, but since blinking hurt, I figured that would be awful.

(Wow this is already longer than I mean for it to. Hang in. )

So I went to the doctor on Thursday. (Which was really hard to find on my insurance since my insurance people apparently think when I ask for a general practitioner I really meant a sleep disorders specialist and an optometrist.) She was lovely and nice and we talked. She performed some neurological tests. Which if you haven’t been put through them, are highly amusing and I wish I knew what different ones told them. (Like, what does my ability to run my heel down the back of the opposite leg tell the doctor?)

She then told me that my right eye droops a little. Talk about making someone self-conscious. Since I had never had a CAT scan before and with the slight eye droop, she wanted me to get one. She also gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant that also works to prevent migraines and she also prescribed Imitrex. Thursday I still had a migraine. Friday, my head still hurt, not a full out migraine, but still annoying. Saturday I still had a slight headache, but I didn’t take anything except my preventatives in case I had created rebound headaches. And yesterday, not a headache at all. Didn’t wake up with anything and it was glorious.

Today I went for my CAT scan. Much less of a big deal than I thought. I thought a CAT scan was the whole in the tube thing, and it wasn’t. They gave me an IV of contrast that gave me a weird taste in my mouth, but not a big deal. They said my doctor should call me within the next day or two.

So that’s what i know. My new preventatives seem to be working. I still have a slight headache today, but I think that’s lack of sleep and staring at this computer screen longer than I intended to. Hoping the migraines stay away and I can continue without the awful pain.

Dogs-1 Me- 0

I have a lot of irrational fears. Spiders. Dark bathrooms. Clawfoot tubs. (In every horror movie if something happens in a tub, it’s a clawfoot. I’m sure this is for shooting purposes since it’s not embedded into the wall, but still. They terrify me and I refuse to use them.) Bugs in general- especially ones that fly- butterflies are not cute. Things under my bed. Haunted houses. Clowns. Creepy children.

Most of these can be reasoned out. Like the clawfoot tubs. No? Well, it makes sense to me. And after the Great Spider Infestation of 2009, you would be afraid of them also.

Unfortunately, I have an irrational fear that most of you are going to laugh at me for. It’s okay. Even my husband thinks it’s dumb. And it is. But that’s why it’s an irrational fear. If it was rational, then I wouldn’t have this blog post to write about.

I’m irrationally afraid of dogs I don’t know.

I shall pause for laughter. This could take a while…

And yes, I am the girl who wrote an entire post about what type of dog I want. And I do want a dog. More than anything.

But I will be getting that dog when it’s a puppy so I can learn about it’s personality when it’s small and cute and not scary. Then, when it’s bigger (especially the Airedale), it will be MY dog and I won’t be scared of it. At least that’s the logic behind it.

So, back to the problem.

If it’s a dog I don’t know, I’m pretty well terrified of it, especially if it’s more than a foot tall.

I have to be introduced to the dog, by its owner, and then feel comfortable around the dog and not get any weird vibes that it might turn around and rip my face off at any moment, and then I love the dog. Once I’m past that and it’s a nice dog, I’m sold. I’ll want to play with it all night. Take it home. Cuddle with it. But until then? I will run away.

And today, that’s literally what I did. I ran away.

I’m so embarrassed.

I was doing my run route, which involves more walking than running, but I’m working on it. And today, I was kicking ass. I had run more than I ever had. I had a great running playlist going. And I was less than a quarter mile from being back at our apartment, and I decided to run more. I had energy and was ready to go.

Well, on this stretch of road, there’s a water sanitation plant. We walk by it every time we walk to our favorite bar or to campus and I’ve done this route several times now and I go right by it. When we first walked by, I was hesitant since it had a “Beware of Dog” sign. But everytime, either I didn’t see a dog or it was in it’s dog house and not paying attention to me at all.

So today, didn’t even blink. I was running, Eminem blasting in my headphones, pushing me to push harder, and I glance in the fenced in area out of the corner of my eye, and I see it. A HUGE Rottweiler, which is one of the several breeds that scare the crap out of me, and some other huge dog that I couldn’t tell what it was.

And they were running, full force, right at me.

Yes, there was a fence between me and them, but the sidewalk is right next to it and too close for my own comfort.

And did I just not look and run a little faster to get past them? Did I try to tune out the sounds of their angry barks and just try to keep going?

Nope. That would have been the rational thing to do.

What do I do?

I stop. Dead in my tracks. And turn and run back the direction I came from. And I was close to a busy intersection, so everyone saw me.

I was mortified. I am mortified. I am 23 years old. The dogs were behind a freaking fence for pete sake. And I couldn’t just keep going.

Sadly, I have a history of this. Running away from dogs behind fences.

My mom’s house is crazy close to my elementary and middle school. Like, my mom could watch me walk the whole way from our backyard. Kitchen window if the corn wasn’t growing in the field. Less than a quarter mile. There was even a dirt path for the kids in my neighborhood. It followed the edge of the field and then the side of the road that ran in front of school. When the corn was tall, it was a little strange because you felt cut off from everything.

Along this path was a house with a bull mastiff. You know, this dog:

And this is just its head. These dogs are just massive. And scary. Another breed I’ll never own.

Well, this path, much like the sidewalk today, runs right next to the fence. And this dog has the meanest bark I have ever heard. And when it’s charging at the fence, you’re convinced it’s going to jump right over, just like the dog in The Sandlot, and eat you whole. And I wasn’t lucky enough for the fence to be a tall wooden one. Nope. A chainlink fence that isn’t too much higher than my waist. And this dogs head come to the top of it.

There were many crying fits on my half because of this dog. (We later decided that it had to be blind for it to not jump the fence and he would only start barking and running toward you if you made noise. And dogs hear really well. I tried all the time to be silent.)

So when the corn wasn’t in, I would cut out into the field to make this huge half circle away from the dog and his ferocious barking. The person who help the stop sign when we crossed the street would yell at me every time I did it, but there was no way I was walking by that beast. And when the corn was up and I couldn’t cut out into the field? Lots of crying, running as fast as humanly possible, and asking my mom for a ride to school. And I had to walk to school from 1st-8th grade.

I don’t exactly know where this comes from. We can come up with 2 incidents, but I can’t personally remember either. Both happened when I was about 3 or 4. Once, we were having a family BBQ in the backyard and a neighbor’s dog got lose and came tearing around the corner and knocked into me, which knocked me over and probably scared the crap out of me. The other, we were at a long time family friend’s for a BBQ (lots of BBQs apparently), and he had a huge dog. It’s name was Viking and while it was fluffy like a malamute, it had mastiff in it I think and it was also crazy. Like, even the owner said it had to have a screw lose. And Viking somehow broke out of his enclosure, came tearing around the house, and I guess because I was small, jumped onto the lawn chair I was sitting in, putting his paws on either side of me and being right in my face.

These two incidents must have left some sort of mark on my subconscious because I also have incidents of climbing people to get away from dogs. Once, I climbed my brother while walking to the bus stop at my dad’s when a dog got lose and another time we were at a different long time friend’s house and they, knowing I was terrified of big dogs, put their very hyper dog behind the fence. As were were standing outside, the dog kept jumping (and this was a tall wooden fence) and all of a sudden, she made it over the fence, and before anyone knew what was happening, and without any help, I was sitting on my dad’s shoulder pulling my feet up as high as I could so the dog couldn’t get me. Turns out, I loved that dog after I got older and she calmed down.

This fear has ruined lots of things and I have had to ask people to put their dog in another room, which is just rude of me and I know it. It’s terrible. And I’m afraid I’m going to end up scared of my own dog.

So for now, I stick to cute little puppies and dogs I know. And work on a new running route.

Back to School?

Well, my little world just got turned on its head tonight. I was thrown for a loop and not exactly sure what to do about it or what my course of action should be.

First of all, for the background, read this post, and then read this post. It explains what has been going on and the emotional turmoil that’s been going on. I know I have some new readers, so this should help.

But in case you don’t feel like reading 3 whole posts, here’s the short version: I went to school to teach high school English. Interviewed for a job that was English, but truly, mostly a drama teacher position- which entails putting on two (very high quality) shows. We moved 1.5 hours away. This was the school I student taught at and, from what I can tell, they loved me. They didn’t hire me for that job. I believe because they knew I would leave in 3 years and they didn’t want to have to hire another drama teacher. Self esteem= big puddle of goop on the floor. (for more details, read the posts.)

So here I am. I decided to put thoughts of teaching behind me, at least for now and focus on other things. This retail job isn’t what I wanted to do long term, but it was a job and I am excited about it. I felt so accomplished having a full 8 hour day. I even relished in only having 30 minutes for lunch and shoveling food into my face and racing back to work.

And then tonight happens.

I get a Facebook message from my supervising teacher tonight that the school, which I will call MHS, has a new opening for a high school teacher.

WTF?!?!?!?!

It is listed as an interim full time position through the end of the school year. This doesn’t necessarily guarantee a job for next year or anything. I messaged her back and asked who was leaving and she replied that someone (not her) was getting a new position. I have no idea what that means.

Sounds great, huh? A position at a school that I’ve already been and they know me and like me (presumably since the principal said she would be a reference for me.)

But wait. Remember, this school id 1.5 hours away. That means, 3 hours driving. every. single. day. That means a tank of gas every other day. Which would cost about $200/week. And my car is 9 years, going on 10 years, old and over 180,000 miles on it. We were just hoping it would get through a couple more years. If I drive it like this, I don’t know that it would make it through May.

So, I would have to be at school no later than 7:30am everyday. So, I would leave at 6am at the latest. I would be at school, all day long, and if I left at 3:30pm, that puts me home at 5. But if I had anything to do after school, I’m not getting home till the earliest, 6pm. That leaves me 3 hours to grade, lesson plan, eat dinner, and shower before needing to be in bed by 9am so I can wake up at 5am and still be rested so I’m not a zombie. 3 hours. I did this to an extent when I was a long term sub and worked an after school program. 3 hours goes super quick when you have a pile of papers to grade and all you want to do is eat and cuddle with your husband.

And, if you read the second post, this means I’m around the girl who I really don’t care for all that much.

And I don’t even have a job offer. This is just an open position that I would have to apply for and interview for all over again.

Did you guys read how pathetic I sounded in the second post? Because I re-read it and I was in tears remembering that. There are people who have it a million times worse than I do/did, but that was terrible for me. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. My poor husband, who had only become my husband a month and a half beforehand, was probably thinking he made a mistake. (Lucky for me, he’s the most understanding guy in the world and I could not have gotten through all of this on my own.) My self-esteem was at its all time low and I just wanted to disappear.

And as Jessica from Acting Adult and Melissa from DuolyNoted told me via my Twitter rant today, the fear of being rejected again isn’t a good enough reason not to apply. I’m just terrified. To get rejected twice would be heartbreaking. It’s almost as if I wish this opportunity never presented itself so I didn’t have to think about it.

But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign. No, I wasn’t meant for the job that also included directing two plays since I would really be too far away to do so. But here is another chance. A job that doesn’t require as much extra attention, but still a teaching job. What I went to school for.

The other problem is that I have been wondering if I was meant to teach. I see some of the things my teacher friends post on Facebook, and all I think is, “I would never have come up with that.” I think the worse thing is a bad teacher because all they are doing is hurting the students. A teacher who doesn’t care or who doesn’t know their material is much more detrimental than a class with more students. I don’t want to fail the students.

This is so hard and confusing. I’m afraid to apply, because then if they offer me the job, I feel obligated to accept. This is why I am thinking about all of this before it’s even truly necessary.

Mr. A thinks it might be a good idea. He says we can afford the gas and that I would be making a full-time salary with benefits. Also, he thinks this might be the perfect chance for me to decide if I really want to teach or not since it doesn’t seem like this position would necessarily guarantee a job after this school year.

I called my mom and she was so shocked and blown away, like I was, that she wants us to both have time to think about it and talk this weekend. I was resigned that a teaching job wasn’t going to happen this year because of the shitty economy and I would just go a different route until later. But now I’m wondering if this is God putting something before me that I never expected.

I don’t know. I need help and I need advice. I plan on e-mailing the principal on Monday to get some more information, but I need to make some decisions this weekend. Because if I interview and they offer, it seems like I would be starting right away.

What would you do? Is the commute worth it? I would basically never see Mr. A during the week and I would probably spend most weekends grading and planning my life away. Also, I would feel guilty already quitting this new job, so I would probably still work weekends and all during Christmas break for them and then be done when the holiday season was over. I need some serious guidance because my mind is swirling and I can’t figure out what to do.

Honorable

My pride and ego are pretty much shot all to hell.

The thought that a woman, who graduated with honors with a degree in a field that is pretty much always hiring, couldn’t find any job after experience and glowing recommendations, boggles my mind.

At least it did 3 months ago.

Now? It’s a daily fact.

So, I branched out beyond teaching. I started looking for public relations or human resource or customer service positions. All of those involve working with people, which is a huge part of being a teacher. Not only do I deal with students, but parents, administrators, other teachers. Lots of interpersonal skills are required, so I thought those jobs would work. Except I didn’t hear anything.

Then came lower level customer service positions such as secretary, administrative assistant, front desk at a hospital, bank teller. I even have 2 years of banking experience. I enjoyed my time as a teller, so I was hoping I could at least do that since I enjoyed it and it has pretty awesome hours.

Nope.

Then came other miscellaneous jobs. Even applied to be an admitting clerk at the hospital, on a rotating shift, which means over night and weekends sometimes. The requirements? High school diploma or GED.

Still haven’t heard anything.

What. The. Fuck.

I try to keep the cursing to a minimum, but I’m done.

My patience is run out and I have no idea where to turn.

I’ve tried places like Target and Barnes and Noble-nothing. Verizon? Nada. Macy’s? Nope.

These are jobs high school drop outs can get. Why can’t I get a job? And nothing against if you didn’t finish high school, but I have a degree from a good university with an accredited program. I received scholarships. I won awards. I was on the dean’s list every semester for my last 2.5 years.

I’m smart. I’m willing to work hard and I know how act in professional settings and deal with adults in an adult way.

My resume has been looked over and looks good. My cover letters have been pretty good. I’ve checked up on applications and if they received my resume.

I’ve done everything I know to do.

And it’s still not good enough. I’m not good enough.

And then my mom comes out with a gem. I love her immensely and my parents understanding has been a god send because if they were on my case, I would be more of a basket case than I already am.

My mom has said that it is honorable to do whatever it takes to have money for your family. To pay bills, put food on the table, and buy the things people need. She said I may have to look at fast food.

I’m not an elitist and I’m not a bitch. But I don’t think I can do that to myself.

It’s terrible, but I can’t. My self esteem probably can’t handle that blow.

And I know I keep talking about self-esteem. But I’ve already lived through a year of depression and hiding and not talking to anyone because I was so incredibly embarrassed about my situation at the time. I gained about 40lbs in a year. I lost pretty much all of my friends and have no idea why Mr. A stuck with me through it all, but he did and I am forever grateful and in love with the man who loves me no matter what. But what am I supposed to tell people if I have to work at McDonalds? How do I come to terms with that? How do I go to all my family holiday functions coming up and answer their questions when my cousins are doctors and work in university labs and are teachers and psychologists and math phd’s and upper level management at various businesses? Mr. A’s family is even worse. Doctors with their own million dollar practices, engineer for a weapons contractor for the US, business owners, pharmaceutical drug reps chemical engineers, university professors. If the girls don’t have a job it’s because they’re moms and stay at home. Kids are not an option.

I’m already getting back into those slippery and harmful habits as it is.

I try to make myself work out every day and stay out of the kitchen and the snacks. I try to stay positive. I read all of your amazing blogs and laugh at your funny stories, cry with your heartbreak, and revel in your accomplishments.

But I don’t know if I can do the “honorable” thing and still face people.

How the hell do I go to any event with my husband at his law school and tell them I’m flipping burgers? What if I wait on them? I’m afraid I would embarrass my husband.

But what do I do? Mr. A said he would support me if I wanted to go back to school and we would just live on loans. But how do I know I wouldn’t be in this same position with even more debt than the law school debt we already are developing.

Or do I suck it up? Work with high school kids just so I have a paycheck?

I don’t know how to make this decision or how to handle any of this anymore. I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point everyday no one calls me for an interview or anything. These apartment walls are closing in and I can’t seem to find a way out. One things for sure, I will never be a stay at home mom. I never again want to feel stuck. More power to the women who do it. I envy you.