Dogs-1 Me- 0

I have a lot of irrational fears. Spiders. Dark bathrooms. Clawfoot tubs. (In every horror movie if something happens in a tub, it’s a clawfoot. I’m sure this is for shooting purposes since it’s not embedded into the wall, but still. They terrify me and I refuse to use them.) Bugs in general- especially ones that fly- butterflies are not cute. Things under my bed. Haunted houses. Clowns. Creepy children.

Most of these can be reasoned out. Like the clawfoot tubs. No? Well, it makes sense to me. And after the Great Spider Infestation of 2009, you would be afraid of them also.

Unfortunately, I have an irrational fear that most of you are going to laugh at me for. It’s okay. Even my husband thinks it’s dumb. And it is. But that’s why it’s an irrational fear. If it was rational, then I wouldn’t have this blog post to write about.

I’m irrationally afraid of dogs I don’t know.

I shall pause for laughter. This could take a while…

And yes, I am the girl who wrote an entire post about what type of dog I want. And I do want a dog. More than anything.

But I will be getting that dog when it’s a puppy so I can learn about it’s personality when it’s small and cute and not scary. Then, when it’s bigger (especially the Airedale), it will be MY dog and I won’t be scared of it. At least that’s the logic behind it.

So, back to the problem.

If it’s a dog I don’t know, I’m pretty well terrified of it, especially if it’s more than a foot tall.

I have to be introduced to the dog, by its owner, and then feel comfortable around the dog and not get any weird vibes that it might turn around and rip my face off at any moment, and then I love the dog. Once I’m past that and it’s a nice dog, I’m sold. I’ll want to play with it all night. Take it home. Cuddle with it. But until then? I will run away.

And today, that’s literally what I did. I ran away.

I’m so embarrassed.

I was doing my run route, which involves more walking than running, but I’m working on it. And today, I was kicking ass. I had run more than I ever had. I had a great running playlist going. And I was less than a quarter mile from being back at our apartment, and I decided to run more. I had energy and was ready to go.

Well, on this stretch of road, there’s a water sanitation plant. We walk by it every time we walk to our favorite bar or to campus and I’ve done this route several times now and I go right by it. When we first walked by, I was hesitant since it had a “Beware of Dog” sign. But everytime, either I didn’t see a dog or it was in it’s dog house and not paying attention to me at all.

So today, didn’t even blink. I was running, Eminem blasting in my headphones, pushing me to push harder, and I glance in the fenced in area out of the corner of my eye, and I see it. A HUGE Rottweiler, which is one of the several breeds that scare the crap out of me, and some other huge dog that I couldn’t tell what it was.

And they were running, full force, right at me.

Yes, there was a fence between me and them, but the sidewalk is right next to it and too close for my own comfort.

And did I just not look and run a little faster to get past them? Did I try to tune out the sounds of their angry barks and just try to keep going?

Nope. That would have been the rational thing to do.

What do I do?

I stop. Dead in my tracks. And turn and run back the direction I came from. And I was close to a busy intersection, so everyone saw me.

I was mortified. I am mortified. I am 23 years old. The dogs were behind a freaking fence for pete sake. And I couldn’t just keep going.

Sadly, I have a history of this. Running away from dogs behind fences.

My mom’s house is crazy close to my elementary and middle school. Like, my mom could watch me walk the whole way from our backyard. Kitchen window if the corn wasn’t growing in the field. Less than a quarter mile. There was even a dirt path for the kids in my neighborhood. It followed the edge of the field and then the side of the road that ran in front of school. When the corn was tall, it was a little strange because you felt cut off from everything.

Along this path was a house with a bull mastiff. You know, this dog:

And this is just its head. These dogs are just massive. And scary. Another breed I’ll never own.

Well, this path, much like the sidewalk today, runs right next to the fence. And this dog has the meanest bark I have ever heard. And when it’s charging at the fence, you’re convinced it’s going to jump right over, just like the dog in The Sandlot, and eat you whole. And I wasn’t lucky enough for the fence to be a tall wooden one. Nope. A chainlink fence that isn’t too much higher than my waist. And this dogs head come to the top of it.

There were many crying fits on my half because of this dog. (We later decided that it had to be blind for it to not jump the fence and he would only start barking and running toward you if you made noise. And dogs hear really well. I tried all the time to be silent.)

So when the corn wasn’t in, I would cut out into the field to make this huge half circle away from the dog and his ferocious barking. The person who help the stop sign when we crossed the street would yell at me every time I did it, but there was no way I was walking by that beast. And when the corn was up and I couldn’t cut out into the field? Lots of crying, running as fast as humanly possible, and asking my mom for a ride to school. And I had to walk to school from 1st-8th grade.

I don’t exactly know where this comes from. We can come up with 2 incidents, but I can’t personally remember either. Both happened when I was about 3 or 4. Once, we were having a family BBQ in the backyard and a neighbor’s dog got lose and came tearing around the corner and knocked into me, which knocked me over and probably scared the crap out of me. The other, we were at a long time family friend’s for a BBQ (lots of BBQs apparently), and he had a huge dog. It’s name was Viking and while it was fluffy like a malamute, it had mastiff in it I think and it was also crazy. Like, even the owner said it had to have a screw lose. And Viking somehow broke out of his enclosure, came tearing around the house, and I guess because I was small, jumped onto the lawn chair I was sitting in, putting his paws on either side of me and being right in my face.

These two incidents must have left some sort of mark on my subconscious because I also have incidents of climbing people to get away from dogs. Once, I climbed my brother while walking to the bus stop at my dad’s when a dog got lose and another time we were at a different long time friend’s house and they, knowing I was terrified of big dogs, put their very hyper dog behind the fence. As were were standing outside, the dog kept jumping (and this was a tall wooden fence) and all of a sudden, she made it over the fence, and before anyone knew what was happening, and without any help, I was sitting on my dad’s shoulder pulling my feet up as high as I could so the dog couldn’t get me. Turns out, I loved that dog after I got older and she calmed down.

This fear has ruined lots of things and I have had to ask people to put their dog in another room, which is just rude of me and I know it. It’s terrible. And I’m afraid I’m going to end up scared of my own dog.

So for now, I stick to cute little puppies and dogs I know. And work on a new running route.

Carrot in Front of the Horse

My little weight loss journey has actually been going quite well. Which is surprising since in the past, I would have given up by day 2.

About 3.5 weeks in and I am down about 13 pounds. Lots more to go, but it’s definitely a start.

In the past, I wouldn’t see the results quick enough and I just quit, but this time, I’m giving myself the time I know it’s going to take and I’m very determined for this to happen. Not only am I tired of the way I look, but I also know I need to do it for my health. Even when I want to have children (years from now people. Don’t be thinking those thoughts on me. I don’t need it to rub off please) it is more difficult and sometimes more dangerous if significantly overweight. My mom’s labor and delivery didn’t go well, and if anything about being pregnant is genetic, then I need to give myself the best chances possible.

Also, I want to wear shorts this summer because jeans in 100 degree weather with 98% humidity is pretty miserable, let me tell you.

But, sometimes you need a little motivation.

So, Mr. A and I have set up a few little treats, or carrots, for me as I reach some milestones. And no, I’m not doing this for presents. I’m doing this for me. I actually don’t talk about this much with Mr. A because in the past, I would talk it all up and then it would fall through and I would feel like an even bigger failure because now other people knew I hadn’t held up my end of the bargain. This weight loss journey is all me. No one else. (But I do have a pretty sweet support group, both through all of you who read and comment, and with 2 wonderful women who have been a god send.)

(Source)

You see that little blue/turquoise box?

Yeah. I’ve been dreaming of one of those for as long as I knew what it meant. Something beautiful and shiny and not something everyone has. I used to joke that he could buy me something cheap and as long as it came inside a real Tiffany’s box, I would be happy.

Well, and I didn’t ask for it- he came up with it all on his own. Promise. Mr. A has said that when I reach my goal of losing 85 pounds, this little box, along with something from the amazing store, will be mine. Eeep!!

I couldn’t be more excited. And no, probably no diamonds will be involved because after looking over their website, anything with diamonds is way more than I would ask Mr. A to ever spend on me. But I love their inital charm necklaces and they have a few bracelets that I like and not too pricey.

Also, my husband has said that once I lose the weight, he would take me on a shopping spree to Victoria’s Secret. Again, all his idea. (He is a guy.) I think he always sees me walk by the windows and wish I could wear some things from there and not look ridiculous. I could get bras there I guess, but if I don’t feel comfortable walking around in it, no use paying the money for it.

Something else I’m going to do for myself once I hit 50 is to buy a custom, or at least personalized, blog design. This one is just from WordPress’s backgrounds and I want something more fun and more me. So if you know of any company or person that does this, let me know. This blog has become pretty important to me and I’m ready for it to look a little more like me.

And this last one may not exactly be a reward and more of another motivator, but Mr. A has something up his sleeve in the way of a trip to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. And while I may not be in a 2 piece, I hope to feel more comfortable walking around in a swimsuit and not crying in the fitting rooms because nothing fits or everything just accentuates the bad parts. I think feeling comfortable in my own skin is going to be the greatest reward.

Of course, new clothes will need to be bought here and there. Tonight I bought a new (and first) pair of skinny jeans in a size smaller than I had been wearing. I also bought a new top and can’t wait to wear it with my boots I got a couple months ago. (I had store credit and a gift card- only reason I bought it because I’m trying not to spend too much money on things I hope I won’t be wearing for too terribly much longer.)

I can’t get too excited because this is going to take some time, but it’s nice knowing there will be a few rewards for my hard work at the end.

 

 

Rewards for losing weight.

Tiffanys, Victoria Secret, blog overhaul, trip,

The Treadmill

In undergrad, a girl I had classes with, wrote an editorial for the school newspaper. Never before had an article angered me so much.

She was on the cross-country team and, therefore, was in super shape. I always saw her running and working out. No doubt she was dedicated and worked hard.

But her article?

It showed up in the paper a week or so after school resumed for the spring semester. So probably late January/early February.

It was about how she wished the fat people and their resolutions that they would never keep would get out of her gym.

I’ll let you pause and soak that in for a minute in case you glazed over that.

She wrote about how annoyed she was at the influx of students in the wellness center when she returned from Christmas break. She was aggravated that she couldn’t get a treadmill immediately since it was too cold to be running outside. She hated how the machines were fuller, so her workout routine was interrupted. It irked her that she had to wait to use weights or the balls or that the yoga mats were taken. She wanted the new people out since they obviously weren’t going to stick with this new routine. She wanted her gym back so her and her friends, who actually worked out all year, could get back to their fitness regimens.

……………

It gets better.

She talked about how these people, (I can’t continue to call them fat and overweight and obese like she did) needed to learn to not eat so many calories. She discussed how eating fried food was the cause of their weight issues and they needed to stop shoving their faces full of it.

However, she could eat a double cheeseburger if she wanted since she ran so much that she worked off the calories. Yes, she said how much she could eat, but you couldn’t.

Sadly, this isn’t an exaggeration.

Yes, I know, as do most people, that to lose weight, you need to burn more calories than you eat, or at leats you can’t eat more than you will burn. Got it. Thanks for the science lesson.

But the attitude associated with the article infuriated me.

She wanted to bash the overweight, never taking into consideration outside factors. (I believe she said she thought thyroid issues and genetic claims for obesity were a cop out and people needed to get over it.) She couldn’t understand how anyone could let themselves become overweight or anything like that. Well, I’m super glad she takes care of herself and works out.

But you can’t yell at them for it and also tell them to get out of your gym.

Even worse? It’s not just her.

Since the new year has begun, I have seen people on Twitter and Facebook say very similar things. Annoyed that there are more people on treadmills and machines, they say they wish the people would just give up already so they could get on with their workouts.

Unfortunately, I’m one of the new people on the treadmills.

I’m one of the ones taking up your machines and apparently, wasting your time.

So I guess I should just give up and quit, right?

Luckily, I know better and refuse to let the haters get to me. At least when it comes to me using the gym. I am determined to lose weight and get in shape. I’ve got an amazing little support group. I’m counting calories. I’m working out 4 or more days a week. I’m going to do this. I have amazing support and I’m finally in a place to ignore the mean out there and do what I need to do for me.

But what about others? Maybe they don’t have the support. Maybe they have friends and family calling them fatty and telling them they will fail.

They get the nerve to go to the gym, which can be INCREDIBLY intimidating if you’re not a size 4. Believe me. I know. Especially if they aren’t familiar with the setup or the equipment. It’s daunting. And the last thing any person struggling with weight issues wants is to fumble with the  equipment because it just makes them feel like everyone is looking at them and judging them. I’ve done it and it feels like it’s just a red target on your forehead, showing that I  didn’t know what I was doing in the gym and obviously hadn’t been there in a while.

So they get there, they get on their treadmill, figure out the 50 different buttons and start. And then someone walks in, probably someone very fit, and they give them the evil glare since the treadmills are taken up. I’ve been the victim of this and I have walked out of the gym because a girl stood behind me and my sweaty ass as I worked hard just to do a couple miles and she kept audibly sighing and tapping her Nike clad foot at me. And no, I didn’t go home and do sit-ups. I was so upset that I ate my feelings.

And I’m not trying to preach. I can understand it being frustrating when your usual routine is interrupted. I was always annoyed when the new freshmen would come in and just play on the equipment when I really wanted to work out. I totally get it. But maybe, try to understand that they are trying to better themselves and they could use as much support as possible?

After the outpouring of support from my blog readers when I wrote about my weight struggles, I doubt any of you would be like that. You have been fantastic and I couldn’t even begin to thank you all for it.

So the next time a new person is on your treadmill or machine, maybe you could use that as opportunity to try a new workout class. Or a new machine. Or a new workout routine. They say the best way to work muscles is to do new exercises and keep the muscles guessing! See, it will benefit everyone!

And I know a polite smile from someone would do wonders for my motivation…

Old Fashioned

First, thank you for all of the support. You all are amazing. You wouldn’t believe how excited I was when I got home Tuesday night. I had a long shift at work and was tired, but I read those comments and words of encouragement and I was invigorated. I still am. I’m starting my running/walking workout on Sunday. I think it might be slow going for a little while because 1. I’m not a runner and 2. still get rundown pretty easy from this mono junk, but my schedule next week should be pretty conducive to working out, so I’m looking forward to it.

Did you read that?  I’m looking forward to a workout. And I think I have you to thank. I know I’m not alone. Also, I don’t want to let anyone down. And yes, I’m still doing this for me, but having another level of accountability helps. Also, Katie from the Overflowing Brain put out a food challenge and I have taken her up on it. Yet another goal. I plan on writing a post about all my goals for this process. Mr. A has upped the ante on me and I’m excited!!

 

Anyways….

Last night Mr. A and I had a little date night.

I had to work until 8, and he had been in my home city shadowing a judge for an assignment from law school. (It was the judge that married us, also my best friend’s dad, the best friend (boy) that was in our wedding. So he basically got to have an awesome time in court with a great guy. Jealous.) I had asked Mr. A if he wanted to have a date night since I would be off today, therefore not needing to go to bed early, and he of course said yes. So then I told him that he had to plan it and it had to be a surprise.

I sometimes feel like I’m the one always planning things, so I wanted to be surprised. He did a good job.

I didn’t know if we would be going anywhere or just staying at home, but when I came in after work, he had on khakis and a polo and told me to change. He took me to my favorite Thai restaurant in town and it was oh so very delicious. I think I could eat Thai food everyday if I was allowed. Yummmmmm

We had a beer, delicious spring rolls, I got a new noodle dish and he had a delicious and spicy pineapple rice dish. And, sticking with my new better eating routine, I only ate half and got the rest to-go. Which made a yummy lunch today, that wasn’t too much food and I got to experience the dish for one more day.

After dinner, I asked if we were doing anything else. Our money is a little tight, so I was just thrilled with going out to dinner as our date night. But he took me to Schnuck’s and let me pick out any movie from the Redbox. He was originally going to take me to see Black Swan, but I’m going to see that with some girl friends this afternoon, and there aren’t many other movies out that we wanted to see, so Redbox it was. He was even going to watch any romantic movie I wanted.

Lucky for him, Easy A wasn’t sold out, so I picked that one. We’ve seen it before, but it was when it first came out and I’d already forgotten some of the story line.

Probably going to be a movie I have to buy because I LOVE it. So funny and honest and not the typical teen movie. And hello new girl crush on Emma Stone. I told Mr. A I wanted her hair color from the movie and he said he thought it would look good. I will probably come to you with pictures before I jump into that, but yeah. Great movie.

He also bought some Clementines at the store to make me my new favorite drink. He made it up over Christmas at my dad’s when I wanted something fruity, but not overly sweet and the only fruit my dad had were Clementines. So, he juices a couple of the yummy fruit, adds vodka and diet tonic water. It’s amazing.

So we spent the night with olive oil popcorn, a good movie, a few drinks and it was perfect.

Can’t wait for our next date night.

What do you do for date nights? Stay home? Go out?

A Little of This, a Little of That

I know I’ve been MIA. I had numerous blogs posts that I wanted to write, but they didn’t happen.

You know that post I wrote about mono? Yeah…it doesn’t stop there.

**So I have mono, and while I haven’t been just terribly sick from it, it has worn me down and I could use a 2 hour nap every afternoon. The only way I was surviving my work shifts was with a super vitamin B complex every morning and a large coffee every afternoon, or for the last couple hours of my shift. And I’ve never been one to rely on coffee for caffeine to stay awake or for energy.

And then, on December 29th, I start feeling really bad. I thought sleep would help, but then I woke up on the 30th and thought I had been hit by a truck. Welcome the flu to my little virus party. Apparently I can’t catch a break when it comes to getting sick. I’ve been laid up on the couch for days. I had to call in yesterday and today. I’m sure work is super thrilled with me at the moment. Luckily, I always had tomorrow off, so I can get an extra day of rest because I don’t think I’m going to have an option as to whether or not I’m going to work on Tuesday.

** Everyone is doing a post about their resolutions. I feel like when I make resolutions, I end up jinxing myself and then it doesn’t happen. I watched this clip on The Curvy Girl Guide made by Barefoot Foodie and it really got me thinking. I’ll probably do it’s own post on this, but I have some serious weight to lose. But I have to approach it differently. I have to just think about eating better and being healthy. Yes, I have a number in mind, but just going for a number hasn’t worked in the past, so maybe this new approach will. It’s either this or I’m sewing my jaw shut so I can’t eat. I’m hoping the first works because the second is going to suck.

** Other resolutions? I would like to read more, and thanks to some book clubs, I think this will be easily accomplished. I’m currently reading 1984 and it is fantastic. Can’t believe I haven’t read it before now.

Also, to get a big girl job. A job I won’t be embarrassed to tell people about. A job I feel proud of. A job that, if I was completely on my own, I would at least be able to pay rent and my own bills. Currently, I don’t make enough to even cover the rent on our apartment. And student loan money will be sparse for this semester. I need to feel proud of myself. I need to feel like my husband didn’t make a mistake marrying a girl who can’t get a real job. 2011, you better get to work because I’m expecting a lot.

Speaking of jobs, I did apply for one tonight and they e-mailed me back with a couple additional questions, which I’m taking as a good sign. Trying not to get my hopes up too much, but any thoughts, prayers, good juju you want to send this way would be greatly appreciated.

** While I don’t want this blog to only talk about work, I will say it majorly sucks right now. And I looked at next week’s schedule. Umm…they have me down for 3 shifts from 4AM til 9AM. Ummm…..no?!? For one, it’s listed under a department number I don’t know, so it’s probably stocking. Also, the hours imply stocking to me. What part of mono and need rest and don’t need to be lifting does no one understand?? Again, new job is needed. And fast.

I plan on writing more consistently, but I need to get better first. I hope you are all doing well and know I miss you. I also have lots of blog reading to catch up on. So no worries. I haven’t given it up. I just need this roaring sinus infection, sore throat, flu, and mono to all go away. That shouldn’t be too long, right?