Learning to Go With It

A quick little post. I’m trying to finish wedding picture posting tonight. We shall see.

But, first things first.

I didn’t get the job. No. No pity. I’m just fine. Actually, it was a relief. The combination of a 2 hour commute, internship requirements, and teaching TWO plays at a school that is known for their fantastic plays. That’s a bit too much. Especially for a first year teacher who has to come up with ALL of their lessons and units since I don’t have years worth of experience and activities to back me up.

I also found out that they picked someone else because they knew Mr. A is in law school, and no matter what I said, they knew I would be gone in 3 years and they don’t want to be hiring another drama director in 3 years. The principal even told me that I could use her as a reference and to call her if I ever need anything. I think the other person was just a better fit. So no hard feelings.

So I’m fine. However, I was a little depressed when I found out Friday. Even though I was relieved, this is the first job I have ever interviewed for and didn’t get the job. So that was a blow. Mostly to my ego.

This whole experience right now has been a blow to my ego and what I’m doing with my life. And maybe this is teaching me to come back to earth, work a little harder, get a little creative, and toughen up. I’ll get there. I’m actually doing better with this than I ever thought I would be. Now, if I don’t get a job soon, that could be a different story.

So that’s that. It happened. It’s a learning experience. I’m moving on.

I’ve contemplated not posting this part, but so many of you have become like friends, and I think i just need to get it off my chest so I can move on. Because keeping it to myself isn’t doing me any good. And I’m displacing my anger on others. Mostly, my husband. For better or worse, right?

Mostly, I need to let it go. But for some reason, it keeps nagging me. I think the universe is having fun testing every area of my personality that I have issues with. At the same time.

Please don’t judge me. I’m working on it.

So. I didn’t get the job. Want to know who did? A girl I graduated with. A girl who was in my group of friends. We were/are friends. But she’s shady and I’ve decided not to be as close with her because of certain things. But she’s friends with my friends, so I’m a little stuck. It also doesn’t help that I became friends, then found out she and Mr. A knew each other from grade school/ high school and HATE each other. Can you say awkward?

Well, she also applied for this job. Fine. Perfect. We all need a job. But she knew I student taught there. She knew I was close with a bunch of the teachers. So she started asking me for tips/inside information. Not ONCE did she ask if I was applying. Granted, she knew we were moving, but she could have asked. Nope. She just wanted the inside scoop.

I, being selfish and bothered by all of this, was vague. I didn’t go totally mean girls and give wrong information, but I didn’t really give anything.

Of course, when I show up for the interview, she’s walking out. She made a couple snide, underhanded comments about, “I don’t know about that commute.” or “Can you teach drama?”

WTF.

See? It’s getting to me. And then she got the job. And, even though I’m pretty sure of the reasons I listed above for my not getting the job, but what if?

What if they didn’t really like me even though I was there for 5 months. What if they thought she was better qualified, even though we took all the same classes and my gpa was better? What if they thought she would be a better teacher than me? What if they thought I wouldn’t be a good teacher? There are a lot of what if’s right now.

And you know the biggest thing about all of this? It hit my ego. It’s blasted my self-esteem into dust and I’m not sure what to do.

Yes, I know I wrote 5 paragraphs ago about embracing this experience and branching out. But I went to school for 4.5 years to be a teacher. I loved student teaching. But what if I’m not good enough? What if I picked the wrong career path? I can’t afford to go back to school. And the other things that interest me would involve me practically starting over in undergrad AND getting a master’s. Forensic psychology? Master’s needed plus specific training. Interior designer/event planner? Business or interior design degree and experience. PR or marketing? Business degree. Child therapist/psychologist. New undergrad and master’s.

This is not what I started this post as. But it’s all pouring out of me. I’m talking to the husband on Facebook, freaking out. I’m crying in my makeshift room at my MIL’s house and I’m feeling very lost and confused. Ashley, from the Accidental Olympian, I am getting a glimpse of what you felt like when you had to change jobs.

I think I need a BIG box of wine, True Blood season 2 on DVD, my comfy pajamas and to wallow for a few days.

Too bad I’m in a wedding Saturday and have a bachelorette thing tomorrow, rehearsal Friday, and wedding Saturday all day. And did I mention that this friend that got the job is part of the wedding so I get to be with her all day and cringe every time someone congratulates her or she asks me more about the school? Shoot me.

****

I just reread this. I sound pathetic. And I am. I’m not looking for pity. Maybe just advice on how to pick up the puddle that used to be my confidence and find a job. And hoe the heck did I go from being “fine” to a withering blob on the floor in one post?

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9 Comments

Filed under Freak Out Much?, Life After College

9 responses to “Learning to Go With It

  1. Just throwing this out there: lots of people wind up realizing classroom teaching isn’t for them, but that doesn’t mean they have to start over completely–if you’re interested in child psychology, you might look into school counseling or school psychology. I think it varies by state, but in AL, you HAVE to be certified to teach before you can become certified as a school counselor…so it would be less going back and more going on.

    Not that I don’t think teaching is right for you.

    Also, about the puddle thing–Not being offered the job doesn’t have anything in the world to do with your being good enough or not good enough. It’s all about good fit. I know you know this. 🙂 The position wasn’t a good fit for you. You said it yourself (and actually, you had that feeling going into the interview, remember?), and as hard as it is, you can’t take it personally. Something else (the right something else) will come along.

    And that girl, ugh!

  2. I don’t think you sound pathetic! I think you’re venting and that’s totally ok. I think having this happen and then getting to spend the entire day with the girl who got the job sounds HORRIBLE. I just know that you’re a strong person and will be able to get through it gracefully…

    And then go find that box ‘o wine. You deserve it.

  3. That sounds rough. Not only did you not get the job – which sucks! despite all those very good reasons you listed! – but this rival of yours got it instead. That would keep my competitive nature into high gear.

    You will get over this. It hurts – it definitely bruises the ego.

    But I doubt it has anything to do with you. Think about it this way… For every job opening out there right now, there are five people searching for jobs. That’s a TON of competition! So employers have the incredible luxury of picking the person who is perfect for them. Not just qualified. Not just talented. But someone who does have drama experience. Someone who does live close by. Someone who will not move away in three years. Those aren’t criticisms of you or your ability.

    You’ll find something – hang in there!

  4. ohhhhh I totally feel for you but you can’t let the job hunt get you down! Trust me, I know. I have been jobless for a WHOLE YEAR. And like you, I tried branching out but was like “I went to law school to be a lawyer- that’s what I want to do!” It took a long time for me to finally realize that it wasn’t me, it was the economy and the situation I was in. I used to cry and sob and my self esteem got so low…then, out of the blue, 9 months after passing the bar (granted, in another state) I got an amazing job offer. A once in a lifetime job offer that over 1500 other people applied for. Which is awesome…but I had nine months of feeling like shit about myself until I found it. It was just the right moment, the right connections, and the right place for me. Like a million other jobs passed me over that were way less prestigious then the one I got. So you just never know!

    So, I guess what I am trying to say is that don’t let you not having a job yet be a reflection on you and what you are like as a teacher. The job market sucks right now (my best from got her MA in teaching at one of the top schools in the country and got laid off this year!) and a lot about getting a job is who you know. Plus, there are so many applicants employers can be picky (ie worrying about you leaving in 3 years because Mr. A is in law school). That’s not a reflection on you, that’s a reflection on the economy.

    I think if you meander back through my blog you will find similar blog posts to yours feeling really upset- but keep pushing through, don’t give up, and I promise something will happen eventually!!!!

  5. Don’t feel bad about having a pitty party about job hunting. There truly is nothing more terrifying, more destructive to ones ego and self esteem, and more demoralizing than looking for a job. Period.

    Take it from me, it has been 1 and a half years since I lost my job and after 6 months of unemployment found another job, and I am only NOW realizing how much I’ve changed. My self esteem is gone, and I am truly a raw human being. Thankfully I am a raw human being who also happens to be in therapy. 🙂

    Try to stay positive, don’t get down on yourself even when it’s hard, and I promise it will happen.

    Solidarity sister.

  6. Well, that girl sucks, but in this economy, you really can’t hold it against her for applying. Your husband will be up against his friends and classmates when they start applying for jobs, it’s just the way things work, unfortunately 😦

    Keep your chin up. Don’t dwell on this one too long, because you know it wasn’t the right fit, and you are able to stay open for the position that is.

    Also, and I’m sure you are figuring this out, I would keep the fact that your husband is in law school on the DL. I worked at my office for a year before I let it slip that while our current city is our first choice, we won’t have too much say in where he gets a job offer, and I could be leaving.

    • I was fine with her applying. The problem was her being sneaky and then asking me for advice but not even asking if I applied. Also, they knew about law school from knowing me from student teaching and my supervising teacher. But I’m not planning on bringing it up when I go in for interviews. They don’t need to know that there is a possibility of us moving in 3 years.

  7. OH MY GOODNESS! I feel your pain on this job hunt. Too bad we didn’t know each other last year. I was in your shoes. The pity party is earned, deserved, and never out of line in this situation. Don’t ever second guess that. You have support here!

    I had a similar situation happen at my interview for my current job. I ended up arriving WAY too early and got there at the same time as the person who interviewed before me. She, of course, asked me a number of questions. Now, do not take offense to this at all when I say my response. I had to say it to her and I am in no way dumping on new teachers! She had asked me where I got my masters degree. I replied, “I graduated from college in 3 years with a double major and just decided to take the plunge into the profession. The three years in college was torture enough. In California they do not encourage masters degrees, as they have to pay you more. Thus, I went right into it and now I am about to enter my third year of teaching.” She of course went on to tell me how much better qualified she was than me because of a masters. Lol. The sad thing is, one would think teachers are the best individuals to encourage- they can be REALLLLY nasty!

    Something that my teaching program did that totally rocked was made us put together a portfolio. I am not sure if yours had you do it. If you want me to send you a copy of mine, I can e-mail it to you. It’s like 80 pages, but it totally knocks off the socks of interviewers. They said it showed I was together, organized, type A, and “accomplished.” When I first created it out of the program it was smaller.

    YOU WILL GET A JOB! The market is tough out there, but to get an interview “this early” (as weird as that sounds) speaks volumes to you!

  8. Pingback: Back to School? « New Teacher. {finally} New Wife.

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