Ahem

Well, it’s been a while.

I AM alive. So there’s that.

School is kicking my ass in a way I’ve never experienced before and I want to crawl into a hole and hide and hope some magical faeries will do my work for me.

It’s a problem.

Mostly I’m in such a state of panic that I don’t do anything because everything needed to be done last week. So prioritizing doesn’t happen because, again, everything needed to already be done.

Catch-22

Mostly I need to kick my own butt into gear and just get through this semester. If I can do that, next semester should be a little easier.

Also, Mr. A will be out of town all next semester for another amazing internship. LUCKILY, he won’t be as far away as he was last summer. He will be in my hometown and will be staying at my dad’s house. It will be a free place to stay, my dad is doing some really awesome stuff for Mr. A’s stay (such as turn one of the spare bedrooms into another living room so Mr. A will have a place to hang out).

BUT, because he will be gone, I will be back to blogging. I will finally have free time to do so and will need some more company.

I know people hate when people blog about not blogging, but I have met so many of you in person and have talked with so many of you on a regular basis that I thought I would check in. When I come back, I might start over, or just revamp this old thing. We shall see.

But no matter what, I’ll fill you all in. Also, you all rock, I hope your lives are super fantastic and amazing and I can’t wait to finally have time to catch up on it all!!

Now, what’s a thesis?

Wedding Stress

And if you’ve been around for a while, you know it’s not my wedding.

Which might make this even more stressful because, come on, someone else’s wedding shouldn’t be stressing me out more than my own did.

But then again, so many people commented that I was the most laid back bride they had ever met, so maybe my judgment of this is off.

However, Mr. A’s best friend is getting married next weekend. G was the best man at our wedding and is like a brother to me. I love him and Mr. A and I would do anything he asked because we know he would do, and has done, the same. Mr. A and G were friends in the womb as they are only six months apart and they are so very close.

That being said, this wedding has been a source of stress for Mr. A and I. The biggest issue? The cost.

G doesn’t act like it, but he comes from…well…a lot of money. Like…not fully comprehensible amounts of money.

I’m not one to talk about finances, especially someone else’s, but it’s important to understand so you can understand why we are feeling so much pressure.

As you know, Mr. A and I are both still students. We live off my small income and student loans.

G did some awesome things for Mr. A as his best man, so of course we wanted to return the favor. I pretty much gave Mr. A free reign as to how much could be spent on G’s bachelor party because I knew Mr. A wanted to do something special and that G would enjoy.

Well, we’re still paying for that 6 day extravaganza. And I didn’t even get a t-shirt, damnit.

They have had two engagement parties thrown for them, both cocktail attire, so that required two different dresses because this girl doesn’t typically go to fancy events, so I didn’t have dresses to wear.

Since Mr. A is the best man and many of the guests at these events, and the wedding, are important people, so I am feeling even more pressure to dress accordingly and to not look like an amateur. Doesn’t help that I’m not a size 2 and am picky about how dresses should look on me.

Then there is the issue of a wedding gift.

I have a thing for giving good gifts and I will stress over anyone’s gift because I want to give some special and thoughtful, but also something that I know they will love. For this one, I’ve also had this looming feeling of needing it to be “big”. G went above and beyond for ours and I don’t want to look cheap or something.

Yes, G knows our situation and even said he didn’t expect us to get them a gift after everything else that we’ve done, but there isn’t a chance in hell that we aren’t giving them a gift.

I had some good and creative ideas, but Mr. A doesn’t think we need to spend a lot of money. As a boy, he just isn’t seeing the issue as I am.

We finally settled on buying them all of their bath towels since no one else has and I plan on adding some bath salts and candles to the package to add some thought. It’s a little on the boring side for my taste, but we couldn’t afford anything else on their registry and Mr. A didn’t like my original ideas, so at least they are getting something for their own future home.

And we haven’t even gotten to the wedding!

I still haven’t fully decided on a dress for rehearsal dinner. I ordered one from RueLaLa and if it shows up on time, I’ll wear it, otherwise I’ll figure out something from what I have. I had to buy a nice, more formal dress for the wedding, so I don’t want to buy yet another dress that I won’t get to wear often. At least the RueLaLa one I can wear to teach and such.

But then the wedding itself.

Unlike mine where G’s fiance came with us for pictures beforehand since I had all guys in my wedding party, they have 8 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids. They do not need another person tagging along. So I get to spend all day on my own. This isn’t really a problem, but for some reason it didn’t occur to me until last week since she came with us for all of ours.

Also not occurring to me? I won’t be sitting with Mr. A at the reception. He will, of course, be at the head table.

Well, all of the people I know and am friends with at this wedding, are IN the wedding. Again, since we only have 4 people in our entire wedding party, we had their dates/significant others sit with us at the head table since we knew everyone and it was a blast. 

No idea who they are going to seat me with and I am terrible with small talk.

So while I was initially really excited for this wedding, I just want the damn thing to be over with already. It’s basically an entire weekend spent in Mr. A’s hometown, without Mr. A.

Hey, at least I get to have my hair done and I can drink as much as I want since no one will be watching me.

Mr. A owes me. Big time. I think I deserve a beach trip. You know, after we pay off all this wedding business.

Busy Bee

Apparently I should get one a blogging schedule BEFORE the semester starts, not in the middle of it.

So, Orlando was fun. I was sick for a lot of it due to my massive sinus issues prior to the flight, which then made it nearly impossible for my ears to pop like they should so I was just off and blech for most of it.

BUT, I did enjoy myself and learned a lot. It was great to see some presentations before I have to present my own in a week. (YIKES)

This semester has been kicking my booty. Between the insane amounts of work for my own classes and trying not to suck at teaching, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed. To the point that I don’t do anything because I don’t know where to start. It’s a vicious cycle.

However, I have ALL of my paper topics for the remaining 4 papers that I have to write this semester, so that’s a huge load off my shoulders. Sounds goofy, but now that I know what I’m writing about, I think about the topics, work out the arguments in my head and it makes it easier when I sit down and write the damn things. I have a weird writing process. Looks weird to others and probably wouldn’t work for anyone else, but it works for me and has been paying off, at least so far. (Fingers crossed it continues until I can work out a better, less spastic method)

Mr. A is hitting his own rough spot of the semester. Happens every semester, at least has so far. He’s getting a little better at dealing with it, but it is stressful. Unfortunately, unlike the previous three semesters, I’m not able to be the cheery ray of sunshine that I usually was in order to cheer him up. I’m so stressed and frazzled myself, that I haven’t been as helpful as usual. I know he understands, but I do feel bad.

School…is…well, school itself it good. Some social drama has been a bit distracting, but working on moving beyond it and not letting high school drama get in the way of what I need to do. Next week will be a little awkward, but nothing I can’t handle and going to make the best of it.

In other big exciting news, I got one of the few and competitive summer teaching positions. I’m not trying to brag- mostly I feel like God was watching over and knew what was best. SO much off of my shoulders to know I will have a paycheck.

Even better?? Mr. A and I will finally be in the same place for the first summer since we’ve been married. Our first two summers of marriage have been spent in different places and adjusting to new things on our own. It will be nice to both be working and taking a class, in the same city. Lots of trips to go canoeing on the lake and studying at the winery, because that’s what grad students do that don’t want to live in a library. It will be amazing.

Can you all believe that I will be done with my first year of grad school in a month?! Because I can’t.

I remember crying when I got my acceptance letter. I remember  when Mr. A got a raise at his summer job, on a Friday, and he told me I could turn in my two weeks notice at the awful retail store an entire month early. I remember spending hours picking out my outfit for the first day of training for teaching college students. I remember walking into my first grad class and being scared to death that I couldn’t do this. I also have the first grad paper that I got an A on with some of the most supportive commentary I’ve ever received.

And here I am, planning my thesis and graduation and realizing that in a year, we will be moving and finding/starting new jobs. I will have a Master’s hood. You will all have to call me Master NewTeacherWife. Maybe that will be my new blog name when I graduate…

So that’s us right now. Scout is doing great. Ornery as ever, but cute as can be and just so snuggly. Mr. A and I both agree that she has been a major stress reliever for us both. We love coming home to her meeting us at the door and, even though she plays rougher than I would like, she’s a ball of fun and we are absolutely in love with her. So, how doomed are we once we have kids??

I miss you all. BUT, I will have time off before summer school, so lots of catching up. Also, I am running my first 5k at the end of the month, so I will be sure to let you all know how it goes. Mr. A is coming to cheer me on and I will make him take pictures of me before I’m all gross and sweaty!

Time Out

I called it.

As soon as I tried to get back into blogging, life stepped in and halted it.

I mean, who needs a job? (Kidding. Obviously.)

School and teaching have come crashing in and I am having one heck of a time staying on top of everything.

Admission: I never even opened the novel for one of my classes. Terrible, yes, especially since I adore this professor and class, but I simply did not have time. His class has over 100 pages of theory a week, plus a novel a week, so I will just step it up for next week.

And teaching. TAKES. SO. MUCH. TIME.

I know this is an obvious statement to anyone who teaches or has experience with the education field, but add that on top of 3 graduate classes that require insane amount of reading and responses, and it’s completely overwhelming.

I still haven’t even touched papers that my students turned in a week ago. My goal is to get them back by next Friday, but the way things are going…who knows. Oh, and my students turn in another paper today. And another one next Friday. It never ends.

And no, I can’t do anything about spacing since the course is standardized. However, this is the first semester with this layout, and I am going to talk to the program director and say, “Hey. This is entirely too much to keep up with. Something needs to get cut or I’m just giving everyone a B and moving on.”

Doesn’t help that I am feeling a bit frozen in place since I haven’t started a single paper of my own. And I leave for Orlando in 3 weeks. And will be in Boston two weeks after that. And then there’s like 3 weeks left before finals.

I have 5 papers to write between now and then. 3 of which are 15 plus pages. 2 involve no fewer than 7-10 sources each.

Cue panic attack.

Just writing all that out makes my heart race. My goal this weekend is to get one of them written, or at least a draft or detailed outline done. Looks like the library and coffee shop will be my home. Too bad I can’t bring Scout…

So, I am dedicated to keeping this blog going, just bear with me. Some weeks I just simply don’t have time, even though I have a million things to tell all of you. And to catch up on all of your blogs! And please don’t think I’m not reading. I am. Just sometimes I’m reading between breaks or classes and don’t have time to comment.

So what’s going on with all of you? And what are some of your favorite stress relievers? Because I sure need them.

Scrooge

I actually feel more like Two-Face from Batman. Or maybe just a bi-polar, pmsing, drama queen.

Whatever the cause or fictional character I’m acting like, I’m not really into the Christmas spirit. Part of me wants to go buy or first Christmas tree. A small, real tree and decorate it with lights and pick an ornament color scheme and also a nice “First Christmas” ornament. We’ll drink coffee with Kahlua and enjoy the time. I want to find stockings to hang on our book shelves and sneak in small, silly little gifts for him to open. I want to find the perfect gifts that will make people light up when they open it, knowing I took the time, thought of them, and wanted them to be happy with their gifts.

But then days like today happen.

Today happens and I want to skip to next May and ignore all this holiday business. Today and the thought of putting up and decorating a tree exhausts me. The thought of stepping foot into a store and trying to guess what might make someone happy kind of makes my skin crawl.

See? Two-Face.

Strangely, I had a fantastic day at work. I won the drawing since I met my sales goal on Sunday and won $25 in store money. I was at 310% of my sales goal, which is unreal. I sold quite a bit of pre-sale, which might mean I wouldn’t have to work on Christmas Eve. I signed up a credit card, which meets my goals and earns me more store money. I had some good customers and I got some recognition from my boss for my hard work. I also feel like I got some info that means they will keep me after the holidays, which relieves some of the stress that I’ll be jobless again.

But then I came home.

And really, nothing in particular happened. Dishes were in the sink. And while I could have done them, I’ve been busy and stressed and after some of the work days, I couldn’t physically stand at the sink to wash them. I got irked because I think Mr. A should have done them at some point. He may have finals coming up, but he had plenty of free time also. Whatev. We both should have gotten off our butts and done it. Fine. I bought the wrong garlic bread at the store. Not normally a huge deal, but it made me want to throw or kick something. The cookies I made last night stuck to the cookie sheet, so when I tried to get them off, every single one of them crumbled which then made me want to just throw the whole cookie sheet away because the thought of having to scrub it makes me furious.

And thinking about Christmas is making me nauseous and mad and frustrated.

You see, my dad’s side has decided that we will draw names this year and play the dirty Santa game. $25 limit for the game. And when I asked about the drawing of names? $100. WHAT THE FUCK????????????

I was worried that it would be $50. $100. And in case you have yet to put it together, that really means $200 for us. Same bank account and one, minimum wage paying, part-time pay check.  Still aren’t seeing the problem? Mr. A didn’t take the extra loan money because it would have a higher interest rate and be the last to pay off and would be ridiculously expensive, so we didn’t want to take it unless absolutely necessary. We’re waiting for the spring loan money. Which we will get in January. January rent is due the 1st. Before the loan check. Along with all the other bills we have. And everyday expenses. And I’m refusing to ask my parents for money. I already don’t pay my car insurance, health insurance, or half my cell phone bill. Maybe if I couldn’t afford everything, maybe I should have waited to get married, lived at home, and been a hermit so I wasn’t being such a burden on the parents.

And guess what? That’s $200 on top of what I had already gotten for my parents because I stumbled upon things ar great prices and would be perfect for them. Husband and I? Not exchanging gifts. I still need to get something for his parents. And then two more silly gifts for the dumb game. So for Christmas Eve alone- $250. For people with real jobs, that may not be a big deal. For us? It makes me wonder if we will be able to afford rent, electric, water, internet (which yes, is a necessity for law school), gas, groceries, and fuck it all to hell if either of us gets sick. Oh wait, I forgot. Both of us are on daily medicines. And my bc is about to run out, so that will be $50. And my migraine meds require me to go to a doctor this week to get another prescription.

And no, I can’t say that we will opt out. Weird, but my family might love me, but they won’t be understanding of this. My mom would be, but not my dad’s side. My aunt is already pissy that I probably won’t be able to be there until 8pm, even though my brother often couldn’t get there until then due to work or needing to go to his girlfriend’s family or whatnot. Me? No one seems to be willing to budge. My dad might understand, but my stepmom and aunt will harass me the whole time, which then makes me want to say forget it and we’ll just go to Mr. A’s side this year, but I’m also being a big baby and not willing to not be at my mom’s for Christmas morning just yet. And no, it makes no sense to go to Mr. A’s for Eve, then my mom’s for the morning because it’s too far to drive. And his family doesn’t really do a big thing on Christmas Eve. Gahhhhh

Add on the usual stress and family issues that arise during the holidays, and I’d really be okay with skipping them this year. Which really kind of depresses me, since you know, it IS my first Christmas as a married couple and it’s already sucking.

But, I will be excited as I see pictures of everyone’s decorations and hearing about all the fun plans. I’ll just be patiently waiting for January.

Holiday Recap

These past few days have just been busy and hectic.

Thanksgiving was a lot of fun, but way too short for me. Since my family does it as a late afternoon thing, and I had to be at work super early the next day, we were only able to stay for a couple of hours. I was actually pretty upset about this since this is the only time I get to see that part of the family. I’m finally old enough that the older cousins, (I’m the youngest grandchild by 7 years) are finally treating me like an adult and not the little girl anymore. And then I had to leave way earlier than I think I have ever left. I missed the family movie and spending time with my cousin’s 6 week old baby.

But, at least I got to see them for a little bit.

My mom and stepdad weren’t able to go, however, because my stepdad’s arthritis flared up so badly in his foot that he couldn’t walk. This is the first year my mom wasn’t at Thanksgiving and this was supposed to be the first time in probably 10 years that all the siblings would have been there. But my mom planned out what she would be shopping for on Black Friday and got together her game plan.

And speaking of Black Friday…

Never again. If I happen to be working retail still next year, I will quit before Black Friday. It was hell.

I got there at 5:30am. Mr. A and I were going to go at 4 to buy a couple things we wanted, but I wasn’t sleeping well and decided to sleep that extra 1.5 hours because I knew it would be a long day. And if I had gone, I would have been at work for 12 straight hours.

We were allowed to wear tennis shoes since it would be a long and busy day. It helped the first 6 hours, but then it just didn’t matter. I was supposed to work a 10.25 hour shift. I ended up working 11.5. For some reason, my boss made my lunch break at 8am and I didn’t get off till 5. If I had been at home on a normal day, I would have eaten breakfast at 8 and then lunch at noon or 1. That day, I had some cold Fazoli’s that work had delivered for us and not another bite of food until 5:30 that night. I ran around all day. I had people that were super crabby and rude. I dealt with some rude coworkers who took over a register, wouldn’t share like we’re supposed to in order to equally distribute sales since we have sales goals to meet everyday. One woman, even if no one was wanting to check out for the moment, stood back there while the rest of us straightened since it looked like a tornado went through the store. It may seem like a small thing, but since I’m holiday and hoping they will keep me so I have a job after January, I need my sales numbers to look as good as possible.

When I got home on Friday, I was nearly in tears because my feet hurt so badly. I have never felt pain like that in my feet before. My MIL had given the husband money and told him to take me out to dinner since she knew I would have a long day, so that was much appreciated and I devoured some delicious Thai food.

Saturday I worked again in the morning, and while it was busy, it was less chaotic and back to the more enjoyable work environment again. After work, I headed to Mr. A’s hometown to see his family for their Thanksgiving. It was a great time and, even better, the new baby that his cousin and his wife adopted from Ethiopia- even cuter in person. And I’m not just saying this because he’s family,  but this baby would be a perfect Baby Gap model. He has the best smile I’ve ever seen and he has the widest range of facial expressions. Also, when he first meets someone, he wants you to get close enough so he can feel your face, so it was sweet when he was touching my face and giggling and smiling. Melted my heart. Husband kept feeling my forehead to make sure my baby fever was in check. HA!

Also was able to hold the 4 week old baby and he was just as calm and content as could be. New babies are the best. Right next to new puppies.

This week has been busy with work and holiday traveling and various things going on. These next few weeks are going to be rough since finals start next week and work schedules, and Christmas shopping and trying to maintain some level of a life. I’m ready for…something. I think I’m ready for this year to be over already. On to the next holiday.

Cold feet?

I don’t know what my deal is.

It shouldn’t be PMS.

But I have been completely crabby and everything bothers me.

And for some reason, little things with the fiance are driving me nuts. I’m trying not to explode on him or anything, but I can’t figure it out.

I mean, I haven’t been a bridezilla at all. I’ve been really calm and collected about all the wedding stuff. I like everything we’re doing. I got excited when we met with the photographer the other weekend and laid out a timeline.

But something isn’t settling right.

I KNOW fiance is perfect for me. Not that he’s perfect, but we balance each other so very well and I love him more than I think I can describe. We have a couple few kinks to work out, but who doesn’t when they’re about to move in with someone for the first time? Mostly along the lines of he’s a neat freak and I can be a little messy. Not dirty, but clothes tend to just be all over the floor. (Switching houses every week since I was 7 might have something to do with that.)

I don’t know if this is some version of cold feet or what. Like, the simple fact that he didn’t have anything figure out for our plans tonight just made me mad to no end. Granted, he’s a man and has always been bad at planning. I couldn’t say anything because his best friend was over and I didn’t want to seem whiny or bitchy, but I was bothered. Normally, I wouldn’t care.

It’s almost as it gets closer, I get less excited. That sounds bad.

I don’t want a ton of comments about don’t marry someone you’re not sure about. That’s not it.

I don’t know how to explain it. I can’t find the words to the eloquence to define my feelings or attitude correctly.

And it’s not even just him. Other things are just infuriating to me when I can logically tell myself that it’s not a big deal and not to worry about it.

Such as a girl who there have been issues with, got engaged last night. While she may not be my favorite, I would normally be excited for anything and dying to see pictures of the ring or hear about the engagement. I love all those things. But I couldn’t find it in me to be happy for her. I was just negative. I wrote a huge long post about it all last night with all the gritty details of the issues, but then I realized it made me look whiny and petty so I deleted it.

I don’t want to be like that. At all. I try not to be like that. It doesn’t matter.

What is wrong with me?? People ask me about the wedding and I end up giving as few details as possible. Or just giving the generic, “It’s getting close.” or “We don’t have much left to do.”

I need some pep or something. I’m nervous about the bridal shower tomorrow because it is for the fiance’s side of the family and I won’t know most of the people there because they are distant relatives or friends of his mom that I haven’t met and it’s just going to be awkward.

I mean, I sit in the middle of people, opening presents from people I don’t know. All eyes on me and watching my every move. It’s strange.

Okay. I’m stopping. Any calming advice would be appreciated.

Must get out of this funk. Now.

New Teacher New Wife

Just Elope

I was in a pretty good mood earlier today.

Went and walked a couple miles this morning. Cleaned some in the apartment. Hung out with the boy. Just a good day.

I then decided I was going to work on our wedding ceremony. I have to figure it out since we aren’t doing things the traditional way, but still want some traditional elements. Your advice (thank you for the tips and guiding me in the right way) and using the website http://www.meweddingvows.com helped a lot. I practically have the whole ceremony layed out, which I thought was pretty impressive for two hours worth of work. Also, I haven’t been to a wedding in about 8 years, so I really didn’t know what to do.

I was excited. And since Fiance is at night class, I figured I would call my mom and talk to her about it. She has been asking me about working out the ceremony, so I thought she would be happy and we could go over it.

Nope.

Backstory: was going to school/still currently living in state A. I am from/ and wedding will be in state B. I also was finishing my last semester of classes (22 hours…yuck) last spring, full time job in the summer, and student teaching in the fall, which is just an unpaid full-time (plus some) job.  Then, I got the teaching job this spring and I have been very busy. Believe me. I LOVE weddings, but not getting home till 5, and having to be in bed by 9 or 9:30, doesn’t leave a lot of time for intense wedding planning.

Here’s where Mom comes in. My mom works full time. My older brother has not gotten married yet, so I am the first wedding, and I’m a girl, so my mom dove in head first. Which I truly appreciated, and STILL appreciate. She has used A LOT of time and energy and personal days from work to plan this wedding. This was still fiance and my wedding, but mom did the leg work. She would call/e-mail websites/pictures/links/contracts/ideas/etc constantly and sk what I wanted or check with me before doing ANYTHING.

Fiance and I have picked everything out and love it all. Some of my friends seem to think that because Mom is helping, she is taking over. Not true at all.

So, mom has done A LOT. More than a lot. Practically ALL the leg work because I am 250 miles away from where this will all take place and getting good grades and finishing school were a number one priority in my family.

Also, mom has had to pinch and save more than dad has to pay for her half of the wedding, which has added stress to her. But I always tell her I’m grateful and appreciate everything.

Back to phone call.

Me: Hey mom. I think I figured out the wedding ceremony. Man, this wedding stuff stresses me out. haha

Mom: Well good. Because you haven’t done squat so it’s about time someone else gets a little stressed about this.

Me: –silence– followed by instant tears

I know she has done a lot. I KNOW THIS. But i have done a fair amount of research and ENDLESS conversations on the phone with her discussing EVERY detail of this event. Even down to the stamps we put on the invitations and rsvp cards. (That was half an hour in itself.)

I know she has done a lot, but at the same time, if she is going to be resentful and mean, then don’t do it and I will figure it out.

Geeze. All I wanted to do was talk about the ceremony.

So frustrating. I try to work on it and try to figure stuff out, and then it all gets slammed back into my face. Wonderful.

So, unless you are going to do it all/pay for it all, just elope. It’s easier and you will be happier.

(I don’t want to elope, I just want some of this drama to quit. 54 more days….)

New Teacher. New Wife.