Full Moon?

Today has been a weird one to say the least.

I woke up around 9 (Yes. I have MWF off. I like to sleep, so I slept in. Yes, I live like an undergrad. Might as well while I still can).

About 9:30, my dad called. He told me that he would be in town for work and that he would be free around 4 and wanted to stop by. It was fine with me, but we had laundry everywhere, dishes in the sink, hadn’t dusted in weeks. Last week kicked both of our butts and this weekend did not go as planned, so house hold things got put on the back burner.

So I freaked out because my dad is a bit of a neat freak. His house is usually always in good order and I didn’t want to hear comments about me slacking as a wife or whatever.

I had planned on spending today lesson planning. Instead, I did 5 loads of laundry, scrubbed the kitchen, vacuumed, hand vacuumed the steps, dusted the entire apartment, straightened up the place, folded 5 loads of laundry and put everything away. No idea why, but it did take me all day and our apartment isn’t that big.

But while I was doing all of that, Mr. A had a big important lunch meeting and I was anxiously awaiting his call.

When he did, I wanted to scream from the roof tops out of joy!

Why you ask? Because Mr. A got the internship for the spring!!!

SO MUCH EXCITEMENT.

He will be doing actual attorney things and it can very well lead to a job, or at very leas, a fellowship next summer while waiting on bar exam results and such. And he will be making fantastic connections and I am so effing proud of him. He works so so hard, but hasn’t always had the best of luck with some things panning out, so I couldn’t be happier that this worked out for him and I know it is a HUGE weight off of his shoulders.

He will be living at one of my parents’ houses and I should be able to make my schedule Tues/Thurs so if I want to go go or he comes down, I will have Fri-Mon. Also, he will only be 2 hours away, and knowing how wonderful this opportunity is, I will make the sacrifice for a semester.

So that was amazing, but of course we got some more bad news about his dad, so it was hard to balance being out of my mind excited, but also dealing with that drama.

But then my dad showed up and this was the first time he has seen this apartment, so I am happy that Mr. A and I have been working on making it more of a home for the last year and it doesn’t look completely like a college apartment.

Now, my family is one that doesn’t really talk about finances beyond “You should be saving your money”. I have no clue how much my dad makes or what his financial situation is. I have a rough idea what my mom makes, but not much more than that.

So when my dad started asking us what our student loan situation was, I was a little confused and kind of waiting for a lecture on it all.

But then the conversation quickly turned to how many miles were on my car and all of that. Now, I drive a 12 year old Toyota that has over 230,000 miles on it. Yeah. That’s a lot. It was my mom’s before me and when she gave it to me in 2005, it had roughly 80,000 on it, but I was going to school three hours away and made trips home fairly frequently, so the miles racked up rather quickly. 

Long story short, my stepsister is taking her mom’s car that is a 2012, I’m taking her car that only has like 65,000 miles on it and is a very reliable car, and any money we can get for mine will go towards paying for the car since hers would have some value if they decided to sell it. Eventually, we’ll pay my dad back for the car, but he put off us paying for a little over a year, and should circumstances prevent us from being able to afford it, he said we’d work it out.

I’ll be cleaning out my car tomorrow and hope is to list it by this weekend and hopefully by next week I will have a new car!!! (Or new to me, but anything is better than mine at this point.)

And the other weird part of yesterday?

Remember when I told you guys that Mr. A and I decided to go on a cruise over Christmas break since it will be our last break together?

He gets a text message last night from a good friend (and those of you that know me IRL can easily figure out who this person is, but PLEASE do not say anything about it either to him or on FB because it isn’t being publically announced just yet, but bc of logistical issues, we were told. Again, trusting you folks.). Mr. A then asked me when our cruise was, but wouldn’t tell me why he was asking.

When I told him the date, he got a strange look on his face and then proceeded to tell me that his good friend had set his wedding date for during our cruise.

Not only just set a wedding date, but the wedding will be in India.

I’ll let you soak that in for a minute.

……………

This guy was one of our groomsmen and has been a friend of Mr. A’s for a very long time. So Mr. A needs to go, but we can’t really afford for both of us, just with flights alone. So Mr. A and his other good friend (who were best men for each other’s weddings) are implementing the buddy system. Neither wife is going as a way to save some money. But believe me, Mr. A has been told he needs to be bringing me back some sweet stuff from India.

But what about the cruise?

Well if he gets to go to India, I am surely still going on my cruise. I decided to ask my MIL if she would be interested/would be able to go because she is a lot of fun and I’m sure I could handle being with her for 6 days for a beach filled vacation. She said she would check and last night she sent me a text saying that I had a cruise buddy and that she would be working on passport paperwork this morning.

SO. Yesterday was just bizarre. So many weird, but good things going on and this next year will be a bit of a whirlwind.

Now to just hope and pray and cross fingers and toes that next year we both have jobs and that we aren’t unemployed and living in a box. Because we all know I need my hair straightener and access to twitter. ;o)

Return Policy?

Some days I wish there was a return policy on parents.

Harsh? Yep. How I feel? Yep.

Mr. A and I both would like to trade in for different dads. Our moms we love to the moon and back and they are amazing.

My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship and it’s just gotten worse in the last few years. I don’t want to get too much into, mostly because I’m having a good night and if I talk about it in too much detail it will rapidly turn into an angry sob fest.

But, the core of it all is that my dad wants more to do with my brother and stepsister than me. I’m not saying it for sympathy. There are facts that prove it’s true.

My mom doesn’t really put it into those terms, but says that he and I “aren’t in sync”, whatever that means. If nothing else, I’m the stepdaughter, and not my stepsister.

And if I’m being honest, along with this summer’s events, it’s why I’m in therapy. My therapist is amazing but this is a problem I’ve had for a very long time and it won’t be resolved any time soon.

My poor mom has had to endure my crying, sobbing, yelling fits so many times, she deserves an award. Sometimes I need her to try less to get me to see his side or gain some understanding, and just be on my side, but she is doing what she thinks is best when I get into those moods.

Mr. A…well, he got the shaft in the dad department. He just did.

Now, before I go any farther, there are some of you that read this that know Mr. A and myself in real life, on a personal level. I write this blog for me and because it’s a space I feel I can say what I want. If you are one of the few people that I interact with regularly, I told you about this blog because I trust you, so please don’t go talking about this stuff, especially concerning Mr. A.

His dad never wanted a son. He wanted a drinking buddy and they have had a very rocky relationship.

Within the last two years, it has gotten so much better. Not perfect, but we were no longer living in Mville and it felt like they were getting to some sort of normal father son relationship.

But within the last two months, shit has hit the fan, and it really hit hard this weekend.

Since it’s not my father, I’m not going to give details, but it’s so incredibly angering all that has happened.

Mr. A is embarrassed and angry, but it’s also his dad and he feels pulled and unsure of what to do or how to say no. My MIL and I are just afraid his dad is going to try to pull Mr. A down too and we won’t be  letting that happen, even if it means my FIL no longer likes me.

Mr. A and I have a family motto. “Team ‘Smiths’” (Not our last name, but you get the point.) It’s our reminder that he and I are a family and we have to make decisions for our family and do what is best for us and that will help us to meet the goals we have for our family. Yes, parents are family, but Mr. A and I are a very close team and we have to work hard to get where we want to be in life.

And if we have to distance ourselves from my FIL, we will.

Am I trying to come between them? Not at all. But I can’t let him ruin everything we’ve worked for, everything Mr. A has poured his blood, sweat, and tears into because he can’t think beyond the immediate and makes horrible decisions. He doesn’t think about anyone else. And that’s fine, but if it’s going to interfere with our life and all we have going for us, we can’t allow it.

Mr. A feels the same. I’m not being the bitchy wife. I normally brag up and down about my in-laws. And my MIL is a saint and more than makes up for the crap his dad has done to him his entire life. Mr. A agrees. He just still wants to help if possible, but this time, it is very quickly not going to be something we can help with without wrecking our goals for life.

I know we can’t pick our parents. It’s the luck of the draw. Because of that, I honestly believe that Mr. A and I were meant to be together in order to make up for those gaps and problems in our own families and we now make our own team and our own family and work towards not repeating the mistakes of our dads.

While logically, I wouldn’t trade in my dad because without him, I wouldn’t have had these experiences and maybe would do the same things in the future or to someone else or to my future kids. It’s a piece of me, that makes me who I am and I will (eventually) be stronger from this. I just pray Mr. A can get through this, as unscathed as possible, and to not let his dad set the guidelines for his future. It’s what I’ve been praying about every since yesterday morning. Team “Smiths” will get through this.

(But maybe a month long exchange program? Could that be developed?)

Can we go on our cruise now? Maybe a two week cruise without phone service and maybe some of this crap will be solved while we’re gone. If only…

Polite

Well, if you follow me on twitter, you know this week was not ideal. At all. I have ALL my classes, both teaching and taking, on Tuesdays and Thursdays. And on Thursdays, I am at school, busy, from 8:30am until 8pm. NIGHTMARE.

So as I’ve started the new semester, I’ve been sorely disappointed.

To start, I really did enjoy the summer with much fewer students and people in town. So there’s that.

But mostly the attitudes and behaviors have been appalling.

And while most of my encounters are on campus, this is a college town and the campus/college community is very prevalent.

On Sunday, after my first 5K on Saturday, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure as a treat and looking nice for my first week with students. They were busy, which is expected since it was move in weekend, so I wasn’t the only one trying to get spiffy for the new semester.

I only wanted a pedicure. There was a young girl that had walked in 45 seconds before me, but she wanted a full set AND a pedicure. This salon is not very big and you could tell they were a little frazzled having as many people in there as they did. A pedicure chair opened up, and a nail chair was going to open up in a minute. (The woman had paid and they were just running her card.) The nail woman came over to get me to put me in a pedicure chair and I had heard them say that they were going to put the young girl in the nail chair, and by about the time they got both of us finished, she could move to my pedicure chair. This way, they got two customers out of the waiting area and into spots and kept things moving.

Well. The girl threw a fit. I mean, screaming and yelling in this small salon about how she was there before me and how dare they try to seat us out of order and all of that jazz. So many curse words. So much yelling.

I was mortified and since I was just trying to get out of the house and such, I calmly approached the employee and told her it was fine to go ahead and seat the other girl and I would just wait. The girl started to yell at me because when I stood up she thought I was going to go take the chair anyways. I finally had to turn around and say, “I’m giving you the chair, but I’m calmly explaining it to the employee if you can just wait a minute.” Well this pissed her off too so she started yelling about me and how I was rude and blah blah blah. I just talked to the employee, and sat back down and let her go on her way. She finally quieted down and I was just trying to end the situation. Several of the other customers thanked me and apologized and thought I was being sweet.

I was just shocked at HOW over the top enraged she became. They even explained to her that she would be sitting at the nail chair, and she refused to comprehend logic and instead decided to make a HUGE scene. I’ve blogged about it before, but the sense of entitlement of the newer adults is shocking, and quite frankly, worrisome. How can they expect to go into the real world and function? They WILL be told no at some point. They WON’T get everything their way and when they want it. Life is about compromises and understanding and being kind to fellow humans.

Or am I the only person that was raised this way and tries to still live their life this way? I’m no saint and I can get aggravated pretty quickly about certain things, but if I can help or make something easier on others, I try to do so. At the very least I don’t start screaming at an employee when all they are doing is trying to get customers seated.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the only incident I encountered this week.

Like I mentioned, on Thursdays I have class until 8pm at night, and I only have one 1.5 hour break. I was starving yesterday, so I ran over to the student center to grab something before my 2.5 hour night class. Unfortunately, the only place still open was McDonalds.

Now, to understand this, you have to understand how and why our student center McDonalds is a little strange. When you walk up, it looks a bit chaotic and hard to know where the line for ordering is. See, you order, then you go to the back of the area, and wait for them to call your initials, which means you have to then go back to the same ordering counter to pick up your food. Admittedly, it took me a couple times to figure it out. Basically, you have to ask people if they have ordered or are waiting for food. A little bit into the semester, most students have the system figured out and people will tell you where the actual ordering line is. No big deal.

So as I’m walking up, I’m looking around to see which people look like they are just waiting or actually in line.

There was a girl in a wheelchair, towards the back of the McDonalds area, but also close enough to other people that it looked like she could have been in line. So I asked her, kind of figuring she was waiting, but as soon as she looked at me, I could tell she was a freshman and rather confused. She said she hadn’t even ordered yet, but people kept walking in front of her and she didn’t know where to go.

Are you effing kidding me people?! You know you kind of have to ask who’s in line and who’s not, but you won’t ask the girl in a wheelchair before just cutting in front of her?!?

I was mad for her, but I pointed her in the right direction and then got in line behind her.

Fine. Dandy.

But as I explained, the line is kind of a cluster and people have to then come back up for their food and it can get crowded. So the girl ordered, but then she obviously needed just a little space to turn her chair around and get out of the ordering side. She was skilled with the chair and really only needed another customer to slide over about two steps. She politely said excuse me, and as I believe, we should go out of our way to be polite and accommodating to those who need it. Not in a needy way, but because it’s the nice thing to do.

The other customer got all huffy and started talking about the girl and how she just needed to get out of everyone’s way.

SERIOUSLY?!?!

Had she not walked away at that moment, I would have said something. Maybe I should have followed her and said something, but the girl looked embarrassed as it was and like she just wanted something to eat and to leave as quickly as possible.

But, is this where we are as a society? And yes, I know, a college campus may not be the best place to judge the larger community, but these are the people that will soon be a part of that larger community and will be in workplaces and other public places and if they can’t treat people kindly in the small interactions on their college campus, what are they going to do outside of it?

Am I the only one seeing behaviors like this? And if not, am I the only one just disgusted by it?? I just can’t wrap my head around where people get the idea that it’s appropriate to treat others this way, so dismissively and rudely.

I just want to show people or somehow get people to realize that it isn’t that hard to be polite to others. I’m not saying to be a rug to be walked all over, but polite and kind and show some level of compassion for anyone other than themselves.

This has really been on my mind and I just don’t know what to do about it all.

So, from me to you, I’m sending happy vibes your way in case others aren’t as nice as they should be.

Weeks Ahead

Hello again. The last week of the summer session was crazy busy on top of some added family stresses. I then left the very next day to go visit a good friend of mine in Wisconsin, so I’ve been gone.

Of course, the day I got back, I got emails sharing both our pre semester training schedule and my new teaching schedule.

As for the training, well, it’s……special.

It will be three days where an office mate and I will sit in the back, try to contain the rolling of our eyes and find other ways to stay awake. Plan is to brainstorm lesson plans and to print short stories so we look engaged.

Now, I am typically a rule follower. I take a million notes at trainings and am actively engaged.

But when I looked over the schedule for the three days, there is only ONE session that looks even remotely helpful. The rest are being run by either people that have no business training others or about subjects that will only help/affect about 5 of the 95 GAs. Add in that last year was a total cluster, and I’m just trying to do things to keep me from quitting in those three days. I love my job, but this training will be pure torture. And not helpful.

I even have to help lead a session, but there are 3 other people on the panel for a 45 minute presentation and none of the other three will get with me or talk about what the hell we’re supposed to be presenting. Doesn’t help that 2 of them are from a group of girls that can’t differentiate between business and personal and if I won’t have my head up their ass in the personal, then they will screw me over in any way possible in the business. OH, and one of them hasn’t even taught the class we’re presenting about. Her section got cancelled. Again: cluster.

My plan is to be quiet and if someone asks me a direct question, answer as best I can. I can tolerate anything for 45 minutes. Or so I hope.

As for my new teaching schedule…it’s good and bad.

Good, because I no longer am teaching sections at 2 and 3 on MWF. NO one wants to be teaching at 4pm on a Friday. Certainly not me. No wonder they had to cancel those sections. When I last checked there were only 5 and 6 students registered for them.

Bad, because now all of my classes both taking and teaching are on Tuesday/Thursday. On Thursdays, I go from 9:30am-7:30pm with only a 1.5 hour break. I’m guessing on Fridays I will be SUPER unproductive.

Also, teaching 101 instead of 102. I have mixed feelings about this. 101, strangely, allows more variety in writing assignments, but the theme for this year is TERRIBLE. 102 is basically all research and can get tedious VERY quickly, but there isn’t a set theme.

Overall, I think it’s a better thing. Yes, it will be rough to have 5 classes those days, but then I can work on my own stuff the other three days. It will be a change from what I’ve been doing, and for my last semester of classes, I think a change will be nice.

Training starts Monday and then school starts the following week. Not a whole lot of free time left, so I’m trying to enjoy what I have left. That is a little more difficult since our mattress which was supposed to be delivered by today, won’t be delivered until late next week. Sleeping on the floor isn’t nearly as fun when you don’t have any other choice.

BUT, positive thinking on my end. I have a week and a half to relax and try to enjoy the rest of my free time, which will involve lots of kitty snuggles and fun reading.

Dancing the Liberal Line

So, this might make people mad. Who knows. But I believe people should be able to disagree and be nice about it. And this has been bugging me for a while, so I’m blogging about it. Just like I blog about nearly everything else in my life.

I am in a very liberal department. I think most English/literature departments are probably the same. It comes from looking beyond what is right in front of us to the meanings behind everything. We look for connections and motivations and reasons.

I would also consider myself to be pretty liberal, especially with social issues. I believe in equality for all, not just those that fit into a box that some people feel everyone should fall into. It’s something I’ve always believed and worked hard to demonstrate in my own life.

That being said, I also feel that some people get their panties in a bunch over nothing. Some people feel the need to find an argument or a fight in nothing. Also, people are fully capable of disagreeing about a topic, but still being respectful and considerate. A thoughtful discussion can happen with the understanding that neither party is trying to tell the other that they are wrong or trying to persuade the other to change their opinion. I love discussions like that. Discussing ideas and opinions and ideologies in a respectful manner.

However, in my department, many of my colleagues seem to believe that we should all think and act in the same way.

In my department, I’m a bit of an outlier.

See, I don’t fit the typical liberal master’s student mold.

Many that I am in school with equate liberal with feminist. And in a lot of ways, I agree with many of the feminist ideals. Equality. Reproductive rights. Not being forced into stereotypical social positions simply based on gender.

But I don’t seem to garner the same respect.

I married young, which tends to go against the ideas a lot of my classmates have. A lot of them don’t want to get married or tend to put their nose in the air when they find out that I married at 23.

Also, I want kids. I have always wanted to be a mom at some point. But I believe that I am also in a field that will allow me to be a mom and have a career that I love. As a college professor, I will get a whole lot more freedom in arranging my schedule so that I can still be with and raise my kids.

I also want a house with a yard. I want to be able to paint walls and hang things up and if I screw something up, not being terrified that my landlord is going to be pissed. I won’t be happy that I messed it up, but then I can fix it, or not, because the house will be mine.

For some reason, I’m the odd man out. Last year, I can’t even count the number of times that I was made fun of by “friends” when these topics would come up. I quickly learned that I would not be able to discuss these things with these people without being ridiculed both to my face, and more than likely, behind my back.

However, the most recent barrage of loaded questions and side glances is that of what I’m not doing right now.

I’m not applying for PhD programs.

You see, my husband and I graduate next May. As many of you know, the legal job market isn’t great. A lot of job markets pretty much suck right now, but the legal one seems to really be struggling. So many young people went to law school because they didn’t know what else to do, so there is an influx of lawyers in a job market that was hit just as hard as anyone else.

Because of this, I’m not applying for PhD programs since we have NO CLUE where we will be living next year. We don’t know where Mr. A will be getting a job and how much he will be making or how long it will take us to get settled.

So, I’m making the smart and, in my mind, commonsensical decision to hold off. I don’t want to apply to some school, love it and get my hopes up, to only find out that my husband got a job 3 states over.

I have no problem holding off a year, waiting to see where we will be, then applying for schools in the area. I will get more time to take the GRE and really decide where I want to go. I get to apply for jobs and hopefully get a bit of a break from being a student and just work for once. Only have work responsibilities and not also stressing over papers and such.

But to the super liberals in my department, I am an alien. Also, I apparently don’t care about feminist issues and only wanted an MRS degree since I’m waiting to see where Mr. A’s career takes us.

If I hear one more time, “Well why doesn’t he follow you?” or “Why can’t he find a job where you get into a PhD program?” I might scream.

Had I been in a program that say only 5 schools in the country had, then Mr. A would be all about looking for jobs in those places.

Because we support each other 100%.

But I’m not. Most big or decent size schools have my program. Possibly even close schools would allow me to do it via the internet. So I’m waiting.

I don’t even like to call it compromising because I don’t feel that I am giving up a thing. This is what I want. I’m in a very supportive marriage. My husband was the one pushing me to do this and will do what he has to in order to make sure that I get to finish out my program, like I want to.

Just because I’m not immediately moving from my master’s into my PhD, doesn’t mean that I’ve reverted to a 1950s housewife that cleans in pearls and has dinner on the table at 6pm every night and is satisfied with a slap on the ass as my thank you.

That’s not me. That’s not the woman Mr. A married and it’s not at all the wife he wants. He likes that I have career ambitions and am educated and am not satisfied yet, that I’m striving for more.

I just hate that apparently I can’t have a career and thoughts AND a family. Why do those have to be separate things? Why can’t I have both without feeling like I am on the defensive all the time? Why can’t I give them a hard time for moving straight into the next program, for sleeping around, for never wanting to own a property because “it’s so much easier for someone else to be responsible for it”, for never wanting kids?

That’s right. Because I am a believer in each person doing what is right for them. One of my good friends never wants kids, so maybe I don’t send her pictures of cute/funny kid things I find, but she also jokes about kidnapping me for girls’ nights once I do have a baby. I know she will be happy for us, but I also won’t try to push my ideas about motherhood on her. To be honest, I will be happy to have a friend that doesn’t want to talk about breastfeeding and poopy diapers.

I just want some mutual respect for my life decisions. I’m not out doing heroine or stealing things or hurting others. I’m following my dreams, and those dreams comingle a career and a family life.

Sorry for the rant. I’m just so aggravated with all of this right now and I just want to feel like I’m doing the right thing. I KNOW I am. But I hate feeling like I have to defend it or that I’m being talked about since I’m not out at the bars 4 nights a week.

Newest Member

If you follow me on Twitter, I apologize.
All I have talked about since Saturday is our newest member if the family and.
We have a new kitten.

This is Truman. He is 3.5 months old and born on my birthday.

This…was not planned. We were not under any circumstances considering another kitten.
For years now, Mr. A and I have enjoyed going to pet adoption drives at Petsmart. It’s something we’ve done on Saturdays or Sundays for a long time. When we couldn’t have a pet, this helped fulfill our desire since we got to play with all the animals and ooo and ahhhh over them.
As much as I love soft and cuddly things, and as much as I wanted them, I was logical and went about my business.
So we went to our favorite pet store while home this past weekend. Mr. A went to the restroom so I went to go look at the animals.
I walked past the kitten with a stub tail. Past the boisterous little guy that was reaching his paw through the cage and tapping the kitten next to him to get him to play. Past the all white little girl that was shy but sweet and super pretty.
I walked all the way down the aisle and there was a little black kitten in a cage on the end. He was napping but as soon as I walked up, he lifted his head and was looking me in the eyes.
I reached in to scratch his little head and then asked if I could get him out to hold him. As I picked him up, he immediately snuggled into me and was a purring machine.
I felt an instant connection to the little guy that I didn’t feel with any other animal except Scout. Of course I read the info sheet and saw that he was born in my birthday. He had all his shots and already spayed. He kept snuggling and purring and I just knew he needed to come home with us.
Long story short, after some discussion and thought, we went back and made the little guy ours.

He is a snuggle bunny. He loves to be held and played with and wants to be with us all the time.
Unfortunately Scout isn’t sold on him yet. She isn’t violent to him, but hisses and then runs away and hides. We’ve had a couple small breakthroughs and we’re planning on putting them together a lot more this weekend to make her realize that he isn’t going anywhere.
So for now, if we aren’t home, he stays in the bathroom but he’s allowed out as long as we’re there. We keep him from going upstairs for now so Scout feels like she has a safe space and Truman isn’t just taking over all of a sudden. I sleep on the couch at night and check on him periodically. Our hope is that by this weekend we can leave him out all the time and that he and Scout will be friends.
So any good kitty vibes you want to send, will be much appreciated.

Patience is a virtue I do not have

Wouldn’t you know, I feel like blogging AND I’m in a good mood. So you get a happy post. I’m sure everyone has missed those. I sure did. ( even though my page views goes up exponentially when there is a crisis or something bad is going on)
Anywhosit…
I am so stinking excited because Mr. A and I have made the very adult decision to go on a cruise right after New Years and just before the spring (and Mr. A’s last ever And the last for this degree) semester.
Makes me giddy just thinking about it.
Our original plan all along was to go back to Mexico after he took the bar exam, but upon further thought and realizing that we will be in the middle of moving and either new jobs or job searching. Too much is up in the air to plan a big trip, so we’ve moved it up. We both will be finished with classes in December, so it will be nice for us to have a little vacation together and refresh. I will be finishing my thesis and he should be working for credit, so a nice cruise will be perfect.
I have been on one before, but due to a family member that can’t control how much she drinks, I did not have as much fun as I should have. I liked te cruise itself and the excursions, but my travel company was less than desirable. Mr. A has never been, so he’s looking forward to something new. We were originally going to do a 7 night cruise, but with it being his first, we decided a 5 night would be more manageable for a first timer.
Any of you been? What tips do you have? Also, everyone needs to kick my butt into saying with counting calories and working out because there is a beach calling my name and I do not want to be confused with a beached whale.
Also, January is too effing far away…

Seriously Update

So this is an update from yesterday.

After having a heart to heart with my husband, I had decided to talk to my professor and basically say that I wouldn’t be in class the day the other play was discussed and that I was going to try to find a critical lens that would allow me to avoid the suicide in my assigned play as much as possible.

However, when I got to campus today, my good friend gave me the idea of seeing if the gender and sexuality class that she is in, and that also just started yesterday, would fit the requirement being filled by the other class.

It sure helps to have an amazing secretary who has decision making abilities and who likes you.

So she approved it, marked it in my file, I filled out the paperwork and I have officially switched classes.

This new class is a history/women’s studies course focusing on gender and it’s role within modern European societies.

No suicide there!

So now I feel a HUGE weight is off my shoulders. I am just waiting for my original class to get out so I can go and talk with the professor and explain why I’m no longer in her class. Hopefully she understands. Especially since her husband is our department chair.

So wish me luck with that conversation and the 80-100 pages of reading I have for tonight to catch up, but this will be a lot less work and a lot less emotionally draining. Which is something I just can’t handle at the moment.

Seriously?

Today I started my summer class. I’m back to being a student and a teacher at the same time again.
I was feeling pretty overwhelmed since we’re doing 12 plays in 4 weeks, which involves 5 analysis papers, a 90 minute presentation, and a 12-15 page paper. In four weeks.
But I was tryin to be positive and telling myself that maybe having a lot to do would be good for me. A distraction and some semblance of a routine.
Until the professor started giving brief overviews of all the plays.
One of which is about suicide. According to my professor, it’s funny an makes light of the whole thing.
What. The. Fuck.
I was pretty much on edge the rest of the class period. Steeling myself to go home, read the play, and if I really couldn’t handle it, go talk to my professor since we would only be covering it for one day and see if I could do some additional assignment I stead of listening to a 2 hour presentation where a girl makes jokes bout suicide.
Well it turns out, it’s the one play that Amazon was out of, and since these are all contemporary Irish and British dramas, you can really only get them from Amazon UK.
So my good friend in the class is going to let me borrow his tomorrow to read.
But, knowing I have a ton of work to do, I decided to go ahead and read my assigned play.
Now, I ordered my plays 3 months ago. I got the list from the professor and wanted to go ahead and get them. She told me about the presentations, and said I should skim them and email her with my play choice. I picked the one having to do with a ghost story and went on my way. U didn’t read it in depth. I planned on working on it 2 weeks ago. Before it happened.
So imagine my surprise when I started into the play tonight and it has like 3 different suicide storylines.
Efff.
At this point, all the plays are assigned and I would imagine most people have already been working on their presentations since its such a condensed class.
When I read the first plot line, I told myself that I would just choose a critical lens that would allow me to skip around it. But since there are 3, I can’t avoid it and it’s a main part in the play.
I’m just flustered.
I’m having a hard enough time focusing to now have to deal with this in a very public manner. Most of the grad students in the class know so it will just be super freaking uncomfortable.
I guess it’s time for me to get a really thick skin and just deal with it.
My therapist will be earning his money.

After

Yeah…still not quite real.

More real than last week, but I feel like I’m in a fog.

I can’t seem to think straight. Or concentrate. Or to function properly.

Students were asking me questions in class today about their paper assignment, that I created, and it was like they were asking me to perform quantum physics on the spot.

I feel scatterbrained. I try to carry on conversations and my thoughts always go back to everything going on. A friend was trying to ask me my opinion about a haircut she was getting and I just couldn’t focus.

Mostly, I just don’t care.

I was so tempted to see if they could find another grad student to finish teaching my class for the summer so I could just stay home with Dad.

But that’s not really feasible. Dad wouldn’t want that. Eventually he will be going back to work and then I would just be sitting at home. Also, we need a paycheck.

I don’t want my life to unravel.

I really don’t want this to define me. I don’t want this to be all people see or think when they walk to me.

Doesn’t help that before I could even realize what I was doing, I told a fellow grad student what happened. I went to school today telling myself that I would just tell people that my stepmom passed away. Unless we were close friends, I wasn’t going to say the real reason. No need for that to be spreading through the halls of the department.

But someone said they were sorry to hear about the death in my family and it fell out of my mouth. And as I was saying it, I was wishing I could just shove the words back into my mouth.

I don’t know why I did it.

Maybe because I haven’t had a chance to say it. To see how the words felt in my mouth. To see how I felt once they were out.

It felt foreign. As if someone else was speaking. It wasn’t my words and it’s not my life.

This didn’t happen to my family.

Mr. A thinks I need to go talk to someone. About her death. About the issues I’ve had with my dad since long before this. How this affects my ability to ever talk to him about those issues without me sounding inconsiderate and selfish. If that’s even a possibility.

I probably need to. I just feel weird walking into the counseling center for some reason. I’ve talked with a therapist in the past, but I had a goal and she provided solutions and options for me to get there. This time? I couldn’t seem to make myself press “send” to call them to make an appointment. Maybe on Thursday. Maybe next week. Who knows.

I promise this isn’t all I’ll write about. There are just some things I need to get out and right now, this is the only safe place I have to say what I want without being interrupted. And strangely, I trust most of you more than other people. Not sure why, but I do.

I’ll get back to silly student stories and posts about Scout and fun weekends.

But for today, and maybe a few more days, I need a place to dump these feelings in hopes that this will help me make sense of all of this.