Hypocrite

I have an admission folks.

I, NewTeacherWife, am a hypocrite.

Why you ask? Well, really, you wouldn’t know.

You see, about 4 days ago I was typing a post about how much I was enjoying my alone time. I was going on and on about how even though I missed him, I was enjoying spending time by myself. I went and got a manicure. I could watch endless hours of Sex and the City. I could eat a late dinner, even if it was just cereal. I slept in the middle of the bed and hogged all the blankets and the pillows. I even went to a movie alone. A movie!! Alone!!

The post was all about spending the time, very clichely, finding myself and learning more about me and what I like.

And this this crazy year and all that I had gone through emotionally and mentally, the alone time was nice.

It wasn’t like I didn’t see him for 6 weeks. He came up on the weekends or I went down to Mville during the week when I didn’t work. So it was a nice balance of alone time and spending time with my husband.

I wrote out this whole, wonderful post and just hadn’t finished it, so it didn’t get posted. I was planning on writing the ending and letting all you blog readers read it.

But then today happened.

And what is so special about July 3rd?

No, I didn’t spend the day on the lake or at a BBQ with friends and family. I was not sunbathing by the pool.

No.

My husband left for Other State, (the REALLLLY big state 🙂 ) at 5am this morning. We woke up at 4:30, I talked to him while he showered. I made sure he hadn’t left anything crucial behind. We loaded the car with the snacks and drinks we bought the day before.

And we said our goodbyes.

I guess not goodbyes, but “see you soon”s and “call me if you’re bored”s and “let me know when you get there”s.

I didn’t cry, but I got a little choked up as he drove away. But it was also 5am, I was exhausted, and I headed back to bed. I said my prayers that he would have a safe trip, set my alarm for 9am and drifted back to sleep.

9am rolled around and I called him to check on his progress. More so I knew he hadn’t run into any problems and see if he had hit any traffic. He was chipper and in Arkansas. It was flying by and he was doing great.

And then it hit me. He was in Arkansas. And on his way to be even farther from me.

This is truly such an amazing and wonderful thing for him. I’ve said it a million times, but this is such a fabulous opportunity for him that there was never even a second where I didn’t want him to go.

Even today. I want him to be there. I want him to get these experiences and opportunities and make these connections.

But today, I’ve been a little mopey.

I’m not crying or balled up on the couch. I ordered some Chinese food and I’ve been watching SATC all afternoon. (Except when I went to Target and then got rained in for 30 minutes since I couldn’t see 4 feet past the door.)

I’m fine. I really am.

It’s just that even though he was in Mville, he was only an hour and 40 minutes away. I saw him on the weekends and he was still very accessible. I think that’s why it was easier to have all that alone time- I wasn’t truly alone.

But now? He’s, at minimum, a 12 hour car ride, away. 5 states separate us.

Other than Skype, I will not get to see him for 3 weeks.

And yes, I’m totally coming off as the whiny girl who apparently can’t be without her husband. And that kind of bothers me because that’s not who I am.

Marriage has just been so wonderful. I do love having him around and having someone to joke with and grocery shop with and go out to dinner with.

I guess these next 3 months will truly show what I’ve got and how much of an “independent woman” I really am.

For now, pass the chocolate ice cream and wine and turn up SATC.

Closing the Chapter

Holy crap, I can’t believe it’s real.

8 months, lots of tears, anger, resentment, and stress later…

I am DONE with retail. DONE. FINISHED. NO MORE.

Yes, I’ve gone on and on and on about this. But this has been the BIGGEST part of my life this past year, so this is what I talked about.

It’s been one heck of a ride.

And yes, while I bitched and moaned about it, I’ve also learned a lot.

I’m much more patient with people working in stores or restaurants. I go out of my way to be nice and acknowledge when they have gone out of their way to help me or work with me. I tip higher and I do my best to be nice and friendly.

I’m also neater in stores and I put my clothes away after trying them on. No, I’m not saying everyone should do this, but being in that situation, I know most people won’t, so I just try to make their day a little easier.

I’ve also learned more about myself. Not all good.

I would never have considered myself an elitist, but when I had to work in retail after getting a degree that I worked hard for and making less money than my BIL who flunked out of college, I think I honestly thought I deserved better.

BUT, I also gained a new appreciation for jobs and opportunities and hard work and, most importantly, money. It doesn’t go nearly as far as it should and I honestly don’t know how some of my coworkers survived on their pay from that place. I couldn’t have paid our rent if I saved every paycheck for a month and didn’t spend a penny from them.

Even better? I’m so much more appreciative of this new opportunity and I will be working that much harder to not only be successful, but to excel and do my best.

But enough sap.

My boss ( my direct manager who I love), had me scheduled in one of my least favorite departments because she needed me to fill in, which was fine. But, then she comes over and tells me that I get to spend my last two hours in my favorite department, the home store. Even better? My two favorite people from that department were working, so my last two hours were full of laughs and fun and I just enjoyed the time I had left.

And my boss? She’s so awesome. She refused to say “goodbye” and we have a lunch date for next Thursday and she is treating me to lunch at this great Chinese restaurant in town. So she kept saying, “It’s not goodbye, it’s see you Thursday!” As much as this was one of my least favorite jobs, she might be THE best boss I’ve ever had and I truly will miss her. Hopefully we can go grab a drink now and then and share some Riesling since we both love it.

And as I left, I was happy. I did work hard today. I was nice to every customer, I helped them with any questions. I wanted to show that, yes, I am moving on, but that I have enough character to not just goof off for my last four hour shift. (I even far exceeded my sales goal! :)  ) Too bad I can’t still get that 20% discount…

So thank you for following along. This next year should be full of fun college kid stories, lots of grading and reading, and a much happier me.

Now to go drink and celebrate the closing of this chapter!

Have a drink with me tonight! I’d buy you all a round if you were closer. 🙂

The Baby Debate

**I’ve not had a baby. I’m not planning on having a baby anytime soon. I welcome personal experiences and thoughts. Just know these are my opinions and thoughts and they could change*

I have no idea what has drawn me to these two movies, but I am and I’ve watched them. Netflix Instantly is to blame. As is my curiosity about pregnancy and delivery.

I’ve watched “The Business of Being Born” and “Pregnant in America”. And both seem to be pro natural birth/doulas/midwives and they are fascinating.

I had always thought and assumed that I would just go to a hospital, have an epidural, and out comes the baby. Yes, I know it would take time and all that and yes I know it would be painful and probably not fun, but that’s how it happens.

Apparently, there are more options. (yes, logically I knew that, but never considered them)

And I’m terribly conflicted about this.

@aRealLifeWife from Keeping up with the Joneses asked me on Twitter why I was watching these. I’ve said that we aren’t having kids for a while, so she was probably curious about my choice of movies. I told her that I want to be armed with as much information as possible before the time comes. I know once I get pregnant, I will be so excited and worried about picking out colors and cribs and strollers and room decor themes and clothes and cute stuffed animals (which I know to not have in the crib with them…). Names and gender will be discussed and I will be a big ball of emotions and hormones and I will NOT be in the right state of mind to make an informed and well thought out decision. I also know I will be a little scared and worried, so I could be easily swayed one way or another.

So here I am. I would NOT be happy if we had a baby right now due to financial reasons and I know I’m just not ready yet. Will I ever truly feel ready? Who knows, but now is not the time. So it’s a great time for me to research since I’m under no time crunch or trying to get pregnant. I’m level headed and trying to understand all of the options and statistics and all that jazz.

And my ideas of lots of pains meds in a hospital bed and all that have been shaken.

The information about Pitocin and the problems it causes for both the mom and the baby is scary enough. And the statistics about how many births occur Monday thru Friday as compared to Saturday and Sunday are astounding. The idea that doctors would push a drug used for the induction of labor, that also has a lot of scary side effects, just so they can get home or so they don’t have to be there for a 16 hour labor when they can have a 30 minute caesarean, is appalling. They decided to become doctors. Doctors don’t have 9-5 jobs, especially in obstetrics. Hello! Women go into labor at all hours of the day and night and I’ve heard of labors lasting anywhere from 2 hours to 36.

(Edit) But I KNOW not all doctors are like this. My mom’s doctor did not want to do a c-section and, even though she had some complications, they didn’t do a c-section because he didn’t find it necessary. He let it happen how her body was going to do it. On her time. And I would guess to say MOST doctors are like this. Even the documentaries talked to these doctors. So please don’t think I think every OBGYN is going to rush a person. I’m not. It’s just the percentage of c-sections and use of pitocin is on the rise for some reason and it’s not something I want, if avoidable. So I will research and meet with my doctor to find out and make sure he or she knows that I want things to happen naturally, if that’s the route I choose.

However, home birth is not in my plans.

You see, I might be more conflicted than other people.

Both of my mom’s labors did not go well. Like, at all. Had she not been in a hospital…well, it wouldn’t be good. I still don’t have ALL of the details as to what was going wrong, but when she was in labor with me, her doctor said “We aren’t going to let happen the first time happen again. Let’s get her out now.” Also, both of my mom’s labors started when her water broke as opposed to contractions first. Not sure if this was part of the problem, but my mom is very adamant about being a hospital because of her experience. Also, after me and how badly things went, they decided no more children.

So that makes me nervous. Labor is a big deal, and whether in a hospital or at home, with a doctor or midwife or doula, things, unfortunately, can go wrong.

But also all the information about doctors pushing c-sections makes me nervous. A c-section is a HUGE surgery. It’s a big deal. Also, after one c-section there is a fair amount of scar tissue which can cause other problems should the mom have to have another c-section or abdominal surgery.

My MIL wanted a c-section. She also had nurse friends to tell her where to say it hurt or she felt pressure to get the doctor to do a c-section. And I know lots of women would rather have a 30 minute surgery and be done than to have to push and be in pain for hours and hours on end. I get that. I don’t like pain. My mom says that I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but still.

So what do you do? What did you do?

I think I have more research to do. I think I want Mr. A to watch these because he is very pro hospital. He has a cousin who has done home birth 3 times (also doesn’t take her kids to the doctor for anything which is a whole other issue). We always thought it was crazy because she didn’t even have a midwife- just her mom and sister. Our joke has been that I will have 2 doctors, all the pain meds and will be in a hospital to make sure nothing happens.

But this is a decision, in my opinion, that he and I have to make together. We both need to be comfortable in our decision and work as a team, no matter what we choose.

I think the idea of a midwife would be great, especially since then you have the freedom to move around and try to make yourself comfortable, as opposed to being in a bed. However, I want it in a hospital, for the “just in case”. Sometimes, as one expert in the documentary said, Pitocin is needed, or a c-section is required. But a c-section shouldn’t be a first option for a doctor. The doctor should try everything else and c-section should be plan Z as it will save the mom and baby.

Again, every woman has their own ideas and opinions, and I respect ALL of them. And I may decide to go back to my original doctor plan. Mr. A could be adamantly against a midwife. I could have a rocky pregnancy that requires a doctor. Who knows. So I’m not judging any woman for any decision they make. I do think doctors (and again, I know it’s not all doctors, just a few- not trying to say it’s everyone) need to listen to their patients and work with them and not force them into something they aren’t comfortable with. And that goes for obstetrics and every other branch of medicine.

So I shall continue to research while I have plenty of time. There are a couple books I would like to read to learn more. I want to be super informed and very sure of my decision.

So for now, if you see me and I have a tummy bump? That’s cheeseburger and fries I ate. Sorry to get your hopes up.

Attempted Hobby

***FIrst of all, I got LOTS of responses to yesterday’s post about Wal-Mart, both on the blog and on Twitter. I just want to point out that I don’t like supporting Wal-Mart. Not at All. I really dread every time I go there. However, we are in a tight financial budget and, unfortunately, they’re cheaper. BUT, after my last couple shopping trips there and how much I despise it, I’m trying to see if there’s a way to use coupons or store brands at Schnucks or maybe even Kroger to keep the price down without going into the zoo that is Wal-Mart. I feel I received a lot of strong opinions and I hope no one thinks I’m a huge supporter. I’m not. But I’m broke and sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And I’ve never been to a co-op and not sure what’s there, not there, cost or anything. Not even sure where one is here…*

 

Anyways, this is about my new little hobby.

For graduation and Christmas last year, Mr. A bought me a nice and new fancy camera.

My little Nikon Coolpix p100

I’ve never owned a fancy camera before. I had a digital one before, but it wasn’t very nice and it had terrible software which made it a complete pain in the ass to load pictures or do anything with it. And then I left it on a cab in Vegas. Yeah. My dad was thrilled about that one.

Even thought it was pricy, we had a lot of important events coming up that we wanted a good camera for. You know, like a wedding and a honeymoon. Those things.

So here I was with a new shiny camera and not a clue how to use it. I mean, I could take a picture, but not clue how to really frame pictures or do cool things I see other people doing or what the different settings were for. The pictures I took looked significantly better than the ones on my old crappy camera, but not to the level that this camera should be able to do. Completely user error.

Therefore, my little beauty hadn’t been getting the use that it should have been. Also, it’s a little bulky so I feel awkward taking it everywhere like I might if I had a little thin one. But I am determined to use this more.

I figured this past weekend would be the perfect opportunity to take my camera with me and play around some. Not only would I be in the woods and have pretty things to shoot, my dad is actually really good with a camera and I would have lots of time to ask him questions and have him show me things. As it turned out, both of my dad’s friends are also really good photographers, so I got hints from everyone. One guy has some intense lenses and takes pictures that I’ve seen being sold for hundreds of dollars. (I’m getting my dad to e-mail me a couple. I’ll post them as soon as I get them. And I will tell you which ones are his, even though you will be able to tell because his are gorgeous.)

I must say that I in now way think I’m all that good. This was my first time ever really playing with effects and settings. I’m not sure how to use lighting quite yet. I really want to take a photography class and friend M said I should see if a camera shop here in town has a class to take. I’m looking into it.

Mostly, and this will sound so lame to anyone who takes pictures, but I learned that a macro is used for close-ups. Confession? I thought that flower meant it was for nature pictures. Dumb. So, a lot of these are close-ups because I found it so fascinating the details I could capture. Also, my dad taught me how to take a close-up and then make the things around it blurry. I apologize that most of these will look similar. I learned something new and then kept going with it.

I also took like 12 pictures of my ring because I didn’t know about the macro, and until this weekend, had never been able to get a good picture of it. HA.

Super tiny flower.

I love my Chuck Taylors. Lameeee

Fun mushroom/fungi thing.

Close-up on some wheat

Yummy salad.

My brother’s sweet boots. I took pictures of everything.

I thought my brother’s vein-y hands were neat.

My brother has a Harley sportster. It’s pretty cool.

Up the tail pipe.

Why yes, my brother DOES have a sparkle blue helmet. No, he’s not gay. Promise.

Cool side mirror picture. Should have cleaned the mirror first. Oops. And my brother wears the bandana to keep his face from chapping. He’s not in a gang. Promise. I sure do a lot of defending for that kid… Too bad he’s a badass.

Oops. Got myself in that one. Not the point.

My camera even has a food setting. My dad found this amusing.

I want to see a bird that actually has a feather that looks like that.

Lonely leaf.

I really like this one of my brother playing guitar.

Beer of choice.

Barbed wire keeping out the nature.

Cool tree and I like how it’s framed against the blue sky.

So there ya go. I don’t have any photo editing software. I would love Photoshop, but it’s pricey. Does anyone know of any online or cheaper programs to use? Especially since I’m new to this. Not quite ready to invest too much money into a new thing just yet.

Also, if you have any tips or tricks or something, feel free to let me know. I love great photos and hope to learn to take some soon.