Running Noob

I…am not what people consider “athletic”.

I was the kid on speech team and in choir and plays and was friends with all sorts of athletic people. I just wasn’t one of them.

Neither of my parents are sporty, but they were both born with amazing genes and they have metabolisms of race horses. My brother inherited the same, so growing up, good eating habits were not instilled in me.

But I’m sure you are thinking that if both my parents have awesome metabolisms, then I should too, right? Nope. They seem to be rarities in their family and their siblings are heavier. And I’ve always taken after my aunts. I love them, but why did I have to inherit hips, a low metabolism, and migraines??

So now I’m in my mid 20s and REALLY not happy with how I look and I know I’m not healthy.

And while I’ve tried to get healthy plenty of other times, they all seemed to fail for no other reason than I enjoy food, and typically bad food. And working out does not come naturally to me. It’s a struggle and I tend to hate it the entire time.

However, I have recently gotten addicted to one program and that is the Couch 2 5K program.

I LOVE IT.

I had tried and failed the program in the past, but something in me changed this time and I was determined to follow and finish it. I am on week 5 and so happy with the progress I am seeing. Seriously. If it can get ME to run, it can get ANYONE to run.

I’m slightly nervous about this week, though. Today wasn’t bad, but tomorrow I have to run in 8 minute intervals. While a little daunting, it seems doable.

But on Thursday- 25 minutes!!!!!!

The longest I will have ever run continuously in my life will have been 8 minutes, and then I jump to 25?!

It seem impossible.

But I’ve put full faith into this program and I plan on doing my absolute best on Thursday. I’m really hoping I can do it, but I won’t let it defeat me if I have to take a couple 30 sec breaks.

Also, I’ve been running on the treadmills at the gym. I know eventually I will be running outside, but since I am so out of shape, I figured it would be easier to become a better runner by starting on a treadmill where I can monitor my speed.

I also discovered that some of the treadmills have televisions built into them and they are connected to all the cable channels, even the HD ones. So today I got my Bravo fix while working out. This is amazing since we don’t have cable, so one more motivating factor to keep me going while I’m getting used to running. Hoping to find a movie on Thursday so I won’t get bored during commercial breaks.

But to make sure that I keep going, next week I am planning on finding and registering for a 5K so that I have to keep practicing and getting better. I’m hoping to finish the program on the treadmill and then start running outside to get prepared for my race. Might also be an excuse to buy some cute running clothes because I certainly can’t show up to a race in my current gym attire of cheapo yoga pants and an old tshirt that is either too big or so faded and stained that I’m kind of embarrassed I’m willing to wear it outside of my house. Now who wants to make me a hilarious sign to keep me going instead of passing out halfway through the race? :o)

So, if you are considering getting into running, I saw give this one a try. And even if you have quit it in the past, like I did (several times), try again. If I am loving running and how I’m feeling after, I am a believer that it will work for anyone.

And yes this post sounds like an infomercial, but this blog is where I share my life, and this is a new, big, and exciting part of my life, so I share it.

Walk of Shame

This isn’t going to be easy to write. This is fun to write. I really wish I wasn’t writing it.

So, I’m sure you’re asking, “Then why the hell ARE you writing it?!”

Because I no longer have a choice.

Yes, in the abstract sense, I do have a choice, but in my mind, I don’t.

I have to write this to shame myself into doing something about it.

I know, I know. It’s the time of New Year’s resolutions and everyone says they are going to lose weight. And while some people are rude and say that no one ever sticks to it, if that is your New Year’s resolution, good for you. I will be cheering for you and wishing you the best. The people who are rude from the start always upset me because they know nothing about you and your struggles or back story. So from me to you, good luck. And if you slip up, it’s okay. Get back on. I believe in you.

And I, like you, have made the same resolution. Only I don’t like calling them resolutions.

This is my very serious goal. I absolutely HAVE to do something about it.

I know I’ve written about this in the past, but always in vague terms. Yes I need to lose weight. But as I read other blogs and Twitter comments and talked to people, I realized that “need to lose weight” means a lot of different things to different people. To some, it’s 10 or 15 pounds. To others it’s 200.

For me, it’s 85. And no, that won’t put me at anorexic status. It will bring me down to 135, which is where I should be.

So yes, I have very serious weight to lose.

And you also might ask why I’m posting this for all to see?

Because if I don’t, I will keep living in denial. I will keep on the same path. I will keep believing that it’s not that bad.

It is that bad. It’s been such a problem and source of embarrassment. It absolutely crushes me.

Throughout all of this unemployment and job problems, I’ve talked about my lack of self- esteem. And yes, a lot of the recent depressed feelings about myself do stem from the job situation. But, if I’m honest, my weight plays a huge part in all of this.

In high school, I thought I was big. Looking back, I was so very wrong, but I didn’t think that. All of my girl friends were TINY and one of my best friends had some eating issues, which I never really realized until after we went separate ways and I was looking back on the friendship and how very unhealthy it was for me. It didn’t help that I was a good six inches taller, so I was naturally going to weigh more.

My freshman year of college I weighed the lowest. I had developed some not to great eating habits of my own the summer before and the new freedom just meant my parents weren’t watching me to see if I was eating dinner.

But then sophomore year happened, my parents yanked me home because of grades, and it all collapsed around me. I was depressed. I didn’t talk to anyone at home. Not an exaggeration. I made it so that as few people as humanly possible even knew I wasn’t at MSU. I was always visiting Mr. A and such, which meant eating out and drinking. And when I was home, I sat on my bed, with my computer, and watched tv. I did, literally, nothing. And the weight piled on. I probably gained no less than 40 pounds that year alone.

And it just continued to pile on. I turned 21. I liked/still like to drink and I was all about going out and partying with friends, which usually meant going out to eat beforehand. And I learned that throwing up salad after a long night of vodka and beer pong wasn’t fun. So I would carbo-load before going out. And because I was friends with guys, I drank a lot of beer. So carbs on top of carbs on top of not doing much activity.

You know the story.

It’s embarrassing. Absolutely embarrassing. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve broken down in tears in changing rooms because clothes didn’t fit or I had to go up a size or a zipper broke when trying on a dress. If I had to create my own personal hell, it would be a changing room with clothes that will never fit and always look bad, but I had to find a way to wear them.

My husband is a very sweet man. But he’s also a very sweet man who can eat what he wants. He may complain about his weight, but he hits the gym or goes for one of his 50 mile bike rides (which isn’t even his longest and he loves doing it) and it’s gone. He’s built a little stocky since he’s a little shorter, but he can lose any weight in no time. Also, after he works out, he can eat anything he wants.

And he tries to help me. But for some reason, whenever he brings up working out more or eating better or gives me a look when i reach for the chips, it breaks my heart. I crumble into a sobbing puddle. I know he means nothing mean by it, but I can’t take it from him. I also can’t workout at the gym with him. He’s also the first person I will get angry with and it ends with a huge blowup.

But I also know my weight problems make him unhappy. Not in a way that he loves me less, but my struggles make it nearly impossible for me to just let loose or be the person I was when he met me. The confident girl who felt sexy and attractive and who knew that his eyes were only on me. And as much as he says he loves me no matter what, I can’t help but think that he has to notice other girls and wish I looked like them. Not the skinny as a rail models, but the healthy girls who can wear a swimsuit and not feel the need to be covered every minute they’re not in the water.

I want to be more for him. I want to do better for him. I don’t want him to think he made a mistake in marrying me.

And the most devastating is looking at pictures. Pictures from this Christmas just made me sick. I think I tricked myself into believing it wasn’t that bad. I wear my “skinny outfits”, thinking I look good and then a picture shows up and I look terrible. I walk by mirrors at work and I think, “It looked better when I was at home.” It is that bad. I promise you. And I need to face the music on my own problems here.

Even worse, wedding pictures. A girl is supposed to look back at her wedding pictures and love them. They are supposed to remind her of the amazing day shared with friends and family as she married her best friend.

I see the fat rolls on my arms or how wide I looked in my dress or how chunky my face looks. I try so hard to look past that, but I just can’t.

And I know a girl who had the exact same dress and seeing her pictures make it worse. Yes, she’s like six feet tall and super skinny, but I can’t help at think how much better she looked in the dress than I did.

So this is why I’m writing this.

To get back to the girl I know I was and can be, if I can just shed some of this weight and feel better, not only about my appearance, but also just feel healthier. I no longer have a choice.

I put it out there. I can’t turn back now.

I’m not turning this into a weight loss blog because I will need my escape. But I hope to do updates. Good or bad. I will feel accountable to you.

And if you are someone who is in shape, or maybe only has 5 pounds to lose, I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’m cheering for all of you and hope you can cheer for me too. This isn’t going to be easy or even fun all the time, but I’m hoping to get there this year.  I want more for myself this year, and this is where I’m starting.

A Little of This, a Little of That

I know I’ve been MIA. I had numerous blogs posts that I wanted to write, but they didn’t happen.

You know that post I wrote about mono? Yeah…it doesn’t stop there.

**So I have mono, and while I haven’t been just terribly sick from it, it has worn me down and I could use a 2 hour nap every afternoon. The only way I was surviving my work shifts was with a super vitamin B complex every morning and a large coffee every afternoon, or for the last couple hours of my shift. And I’ve never been one to rely on coffee for caffeine to stay awake or for energy.

And then, on December 29th, I start feeling really bad. I thought sleep would help, but then I woke up on the 30th and thought I had been hit by a truck. Welcome the flu to my little virus party. Apparently I can’t catch a break when it comes to getting sick. I’ve been laid up on the couch for days. I had to call in yesterday and today. I’m sure work is super thrilled with me at the moment. Luckily, I always had tomorrow off, so I can get an extra day of rest because I don’t think I’m going to have an option as to whether or not I’m going to work on Tuesday.

** Everyone is doing a post about their resolutions. I feel like when I make resolutions, I end up jinxing myself and then it doesn’t happen. I watched this clip on The Curvy Girl Guide made by Barefoot Foodie and it really got me thinking. I’ll probably do it’s own post on this, but I have some serious weight to lose. But I have to approach it differently. I have to just think about eating better and being healthy. Yes, I have a number in mind, but just going for a number hasn’t worked in the past, so maybe this new approach will. It’s either this or I’m sewing my jaw shut so I can’t eat. I’m hoping the first works because the second is going to suck.

** Other resolutions? I would like to read more, and thanks to some book clubs, I think this will be easily accomplished. I’m currently reading 1984 and it is fantastic. Can’t believe I haven’t read it before now.

Also, to get a big girl job. A job I won’t be embarrassed to tell people about. A job I feel proud of. A job that, if I was completely on my own, I would at least be able to pay rent and my own bills. Currently, I don’t make enough to even cover the rent on our apartment. And student loan money will be sparse for this semester. I need to feel proud of myself. I need to feel like my husband didn’t make a mistake marrying a girl who can’t get a real job. 2011, you better get to work because I’m expecting a lot.

Speaking of jobs, I did apply for one tonight and they e-mailed me back with a couple additional questions, which I’m taking as a good sign. Trying not to get my hopes up too much, but any thoughts, prayers, good juju you want to send this way would be greatly appreciated.

** While I don’t want this blog to only talk about work, I will say it majorly sucks right now. And I looked at next week’s schedule. Umm…they have me down for 3 shifts from 4AM til 9AM. Ummm…..no?!? For one, it’s listed under a department number I don’t know, so it’s probably stocking. Also, the hours imply stocking to me. What part of mono and need rest and don’t need to be lifting does no one understand?? Again, new job is needed. And fast.

I plan on writing more consistently, but I need to get better first. I hope you are all doing well and know I miss you. I also have lots of blog reading to catch up on. So no worries. I haven’t given it up. I just need this roaring sinus infection, sore throat, flu, and mono to all go away. That shouldn’t be too long, right?