Borrrrring

I’ve been telling myself for days that I just need to write an effing blog post already. Geeze. It shouldn’t be this hard.

The problem is that I have nothing interesting to write about.

I started a post about working in the men’s department and how it’s a whole other world in that corner, but it was lame and not as funny as actually witnessing some of the shenanigans.

Was working on one about wishing for things after law school. But it felt wrong and just like I was whining and very unfocused.

Have considered several posts about some of Mr. A’s classmates. But while I say I could care less if they found this and knew that I thought they were a bunch of shallow idiots, he still has to go to school with them and he’s had a rough semester as it is.

So here I am. Another brain dump because nothing exciting is going on. I don’t know anything new.

**This Wednesday when I get off from work, we are headed to Mr. A’s hometown, Mville. (For anyone new, I went to undergrad in Mville and that’s where we met.) I’m actually pretty excited about this. Until last week when she came up and took us to dinner, I hadn’t seen my MIL since Christmas. And while she was annoying me at the beginning of this marriage, I really do love her and she is hilarious. I lucked out with a great MIL and I’m happy to spend time with her for a few days. She will make us margaritas. We will grill steaks. She will fill us in on the local drama of the small town. (Which could be a great blog post because man oh man some of the things that happen there…) MIL, Mr. A, and myself will join in on making fun of BIL’s awful girlfriend and hope and pray she goes away soon. We will see some college friends and childhood friend of Mr. A. We will gorge on sushi at one of our favorite sushi places anywhere, and even more so since there isn’t a single sushi place here. It will be four days of relaxing and I can’t wait.

** I have put our Netflix instant queue into overdrive as we are watching all of Grey’s Anatomy. We’re only on season 3, but seeing as each season has like 20 episodes, there’s a lot of storyline to cover. Even better? Mr. A actually likes it, so we watch it together and he got mad the other day when I watched a couple without him and he made me rewatch them with him. HA! Also, much better to watch back to back so I know what happens next. I can’t imagine waiting a week to find out of Meredith lives or not after falling into the water on triage day. These are definitely white girl first world problems.

** It’s pi day! I didn’t really think about it until this morning, but decided to bake a pie after work. It is currently in the oven and our apartment smells fantastic. Blueberry pie, hot from the oven, with a scoop of vanilla bean ice cream. Heavenly.

** So, sometimes, I want to ask people on Twitter things, but then I get super nervous and wimp out. And it’s usually either about their job or about something they do as a hobby or about something they said. But I don’t want to intrude. And if it’s about their job, I think they probably get asked enough and I should just leave them alone. But so many questions….

** I am in a pant size that I haven’t been able to wear in a while. YAY! Still have a LONG FREAKING WAY TO GO, but it’s progress. And I’m about 3 pounds from a big milestone, so I’m trying to keep at it. Of course, this pie tonight might just set me back. 🙂

**Also, God has a sense of humor. For the past couple weeks, everytime I’ve said, “Tomorrow I am definitely going running”, the next day is either super cold or raining. And I’m not running in either, mostly because I just don’t have the proper attire to not freeze to death. Today was one of those days and I was really bummed to not be able to go for a run after work. Hopefully tomorrow. But don’t want to jinx myself again.

** In a little less than 2 weeks it will be my birthday. And I usually LOVE birthdays, but this year feels a little strange. I know what my mom got me. My dad said he would pay for some good running shoes for me, so no surprise because I doubt he’ll get anything else. Mr. A and I decided he could get something, but it had to be pretty inexpensive since we are on kind of a tight budget. MIL asked what I wanted, but she has helped out so much financially, that I can’t possibly ask her for anything. And I know birthdays aren’t about presents, but there seems to be no excitement about it this year. Oh well. At least it’s not a big number.

** No news about grad school. I’m getting super antsy and religiously checking the mail everyday. Applied for that school I was talking about. Turns out my dad knows and works with the principal since he is working on their brand new school. Hopefully that will help because if I were to get the job AND grad school, I’d take the job. The pay is amazing. It’s closer to where we want to live. And I’m sure the school would pay for my grad school after a year. And did I mention the pay? Yes please. (Also, if I get the job, I’m getting a dog. No matter what. I’ve told Mr. A and I think he’s going with it because I sounded pretty darn serious when I said it. And we had just been to Petsmart during a pet adoption and we both fell in love with a puppy but we obviously couldn’t get him. Sad day.)

** There has been a TON of baby news on Twitter and the blogs recently. And I am so excited for each and every family! Since we won’t be having babies anytime soon, it’s fun to hear about what they are going through and learning things and such. Babies are just cute and squishy and I can’t wait to have my own. In 3 years. And no sooner please.

 

**Also, was thinking about doing a giveaway for my birthday, but need ideas of what to giveaway. What do you want? Do you like gift cards? Gift packs-if so, what kind of theme? Sports stuff? Girly things? I want to help you win free things, but you have to help me with what you people want! I only try to please…..

 

**And since nothing new is happening with me, what’s up with you all? Fill me in.

Frozen

Well, you guys win.

Overwhelmingly, you want honest and true and what’s actually happening. If that’s me in a total breakdown over my super underemployment or talking about my irrational fears or writing about the weightloss challenges I’m facing-it’s what you want.

And I’m so glad.

I have always been one that kind of wears my emotions on my sleeves. Mystery isn’t really my game. I’d probably spill a whole lot more about myself if I wasn’t in a career field where I could get into some big trouble if I said too much or some ridiculous parent didn’t like my stories about margaritas and wine. (Really? Teachers are people too. We like beerz. Get over it.)

Also, I like that I got comments about me being “real”. One problem I have at times is that some of the blogs I read make it seem like their life is the picture of perfection. And maybe it is. I don’t know. But it makes me feel inadequate when all I read is about how peachy everyone is. I want someone to have a meltdown every once in a while. Show some grit. Some real emotion.

I completely understand not putting it all out there. I don’t blog about everytime Mr. A and I get into an argument or the nights that I wish I had my own apartment so I could just be in my own space for a few hours. Yes, sometimes we fight. Sometimes I do bitchy things. Sometimes he’s a butthead. But that’s life. I love him more than anything and he is my soulmate. My very clean and neat soulmate.

So I’m glad you want real because it’s what you’re going to get.

Like this:

I don’t really hide the fact that I hate my job in retail. It blows. Crappy hours. Rude customers. Coworkers who think this is the most important job on the planet. And I have a good degree and I make less than my BIL who was kicked out of college twice bc of failing grades and he now works at a factory making WAY MORE THAN I DO. I must have done something terrible because karma hates me right now.

So, you would think I would be all about applying for teaching jobs. Right?

Wrong.

I applied for grad school and a teaching assitantship position, but I won’t find anything out for about another month. That was stressful and I had to write a 10 page paper after a year out of the classroom and whatever. But, it’s over. I will find out via a letter telling me one way or another.

But teaching positions? So much more stressful.

For one, the applications are insane. I know they don’t want serial killers and such in their schools, but why do you need to know my exact high school gpa and class rank? Really? You want to judge me based on who I was in high school? I went to college and learned more about myself and the world and grew up. High school shouldn’t have anything to do with you hiring me. Just knowing who I dated in high school and no one would want to hire me. Sheesh.

Also, in my state, education jobs are incredibly competitive since the budget got slashed. Not as many positions and still lots of people applying.

And then there’s the interviews. I went through two teaching interviews in the past. One went really well and they didn’t hire me because they wanted someone with experience since they would be coming in half way through the year and it was for juniors who have HUGE portfolios to do. So I got it. I was bummed, but no big deal.

The other, didn’t go so great. I felt off and I usually interview well. It was with the school I student taught at, so I thought I was a bit of a shoo-in since I had glowing recommendations and the principal knew and liked me and the English department liked me. But I was interviewing against a “friend”. We were friends bc of proximity, not because I actually liked her. I didn’t.

Welp, she got the job. There are some other factors like the fact that I would have had to commute 1.5 hours where as she had a 15 minute drive. Also, she plans on living there for the rest of her life where I would have, at most, only been there 3 years.

But that was crushing. Add that she enjoyed rubbing it in my face and I’m a little scared of the whole process.

I feel stuck. Frozen. Locked in place.

I don’t even want to apply to places for fear of rejection. How ridiculous is that?

I logically know I will never get out of this shithole of a job without applying and looking for other work (if grad school doesn’t accept me (yet another stressor!!)). I just hate everything about job searching.

Add in how depressed I became during my 5 month unemployment stint after not even getting called for an interview for jobs I either would have been good at or was overqualified for.

So I’m trying to push through. A school close to my home city, that get both state funding and federal funding because of military students, and pays EXTREMLY well, has TWO English openings. HELLO! Two chances is better than one, right?

I’m trying to stay optimistic and somehow hoping a lot of people don’t know how well they pay and since it’s sort of in the middle of no where, don’t apply. Hoping.

But it would mean I would be moving home for a bit, and if Mr. A isn’t able to transfer to the other law school in my home city, then we would be living apart, which I wouldn’t be excited about.

So it’s all in the air.

I guess I need some good luck and prayers. Prayers that the RIGHT thing comes along. The thing that I will finally be happy with, whether that be grad school or a teaching position, I don’t know. But I need something because if I have to fit one more old lady for a bra and she insists on a push up bra to make “her girls look awesome”, I might vomit.

Back to School?

Well, my little world just got turned on its head tonight. I was thrown for a loop and not exactly sure what to do about it or what my course of action should be.

First of all, for the background, read this post, and then read this post. It explains what has been going on and the emotional turmoil that’s been going on. I know I have some new readers, so this should help.

But in case you don’t feel like reading 3 whole posts, here’s the short version: I went to school to teach high school English. Interviewed for a job that was English, but truly, mostly a drama teacher position- which entails putting on two (very high quality) shows. We moved 1.5 hours away. This was the school I student taught at and, from what I can tell, they loved me. They didn’t hire me for that job. I believe because they knew I would leave in 3 years and they didn’t want to have to hire another drama teacher. Self esteem= big puddle of goop on the floor. (for more details, read the posts.)

So here I am. I decided to put thoughts of teaching behind me, at least for now and focus on other things. This retail job isn’t what I wanted to do long term, but it was a job and I am excited about it. I felt so accomplished having a full 8 hour day. I even relished in only having 30 minutes for lunch and shoveling food into my face and racing back to work.

And then tonight happens.

I get a Facebook message from my supervising teacher tonight that the school, which I will call MHS, has a new opening for a high school teacher.

WTF?!?!?!?!

It is listed as an interim full time position through the end of the school year. This doesn’t necessarily guarantee a job for next year or anything. I messaged her back and asked who was leaving and she replied that someone (not her) was getting a new position. I have no idea what that means.

Sounds great, huh? A position at a school that I’ve already been and they know me and like me (presumably since the principal said she would be a reference for me.)

But wait. Remember, this school id 1.5 hours away. That means, 3 hours driving. every. single. day. That means a tank of gas every other day. Which would cost about $200/week. And my car is 9 years, going on 10 years, old and over 180,000 miles on it. We were just hoping it would get through a couple more years. If I drive it like this, I don’t know that it would make it through May.

So, I would have to be at school no later than 7:30am everyday. So, I would leave at 6am at the latest. I would be at school, all day long, and if I left at 3:30pm, that puts me home at 5. But if I had anything to do after school, I’m not getting home till the earliest, 6pm. That leaves me 3 hours to grade, lesson plan, eat dinner, and shower before needing to be in bed by 9am so I can wake up at 5am and still be rested so I’m not a zombie. 3 hours. I did this to an extent when I was a long term sub and worked an after school program. 3 hours goes super quick when you have a pile of papers to grade and all you want to do is eat and cuddle with your husband.

And, if you read the second post, this means I’m around the girl who I really don’t care for all that much.

And I don’t even have a job offer. This is just an open position that I would have to apply for and interview for all over again.

Did you guys read how pathetic I sounded in the second post? Because I re-read it and I was in tears remembering that. There are people who have it a million times worse than I do/did, but that was terrible for me. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. My poor husband, who had only become my husband a month and a half beforehand, was probably thinking he made a mistake. (Lucky for me, he’s the most understanding guy in the world and I could not have gotten through all of this on my own.) My self-esteem was at its all time low and I just wanted to disappear.

And as Jessica from Acting Adult and Melissa from DuolyNoted told me via my Twitter rant today, the fear of being rejected again isn’t a good enough reason not to apply. I’m just terrified. To get rejected twice would be heartbreaking. It’s almost as if I wish this opportunity never presented itself so I didn’t have to think about it.

But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign. No, I wasn’t meant for the job that also included directing two plays since I would really be too far away to do so. But here is another chance. A job that doesn’t require as much extra attention, but still a teaching job. What I went to school for.

The other problem is that I have been wondering if I was meant to teach. I see some of the things my teacher friends post on Facebook, and all I think is, “I would never have come up with that.” I think the worse thing is a bad teacher because all they are doing is hurting the students. A teacher who doesn’t care or who doesn’t know their material is much more detrimental than a class with more students. I don’t want to fail the students.

This is so hard and confusing. I’m afraid to apply, because then if they offer me the job, I feel obligated to accept. This is why I am thinking about all of this before it’s even truly necessary.

Mr. A thinks it might be a good idea. He says we can afford the gas and that I would be making a full-time salary with benefits. Also, he thinks this might be the perfect chance for me to decide if I really want to teach or not since it doesn’t seem like this position would necessarily guarantee a job after this school year.

I called my mom and she was so shocked and blown away, like I was, that she wants us to both have time to think about it and talk this weekend. I was resigned that a teaching job wasn’t going to happen this year because of the shitty economy and I would just go a different route until later. But now I’m wondering if this is God putting something before me that I never expected.

I don’t know. I need help and I need advice. I plan on e-mailing the principal on Monday to get some more information, but I need to make some decisions this weekend. Because if I interview and they offer, it seems like I would be starting right away.

What would you do? Is the commute worth it? I would basically never see Mr. A during the week and I would probably spend most weekends grading and planning my life away. Also, I would feel guilty already quitting this new job, so I would probably still work weekends and all during Christmas break for them and then be done when the holiday season was over. I need some serious guidance because my mind is swirling and I can’t figure out what to do.

The Time has Come

For me to get off my ass and work!

Yep. That’s right. This girl has a job.

Many of you already found this out from Twitter, but I wanted to share with the blogosphere.

I ironed all my clothes the night before. I hung them super neatly on hangers.

I woke up early the day of my interview. I washed my hair that morning, which never happens because I usually just wash it at night and I also don’t wash my hair everyday.

I spent time straightening my hair and applying to makeup to look professional and not like a street walker headed to the club.

I dressed. put on my small and simple diamond stud earrings. No necklace and worked hard to create a very professional and put together look.

I worked very hard on my look since I usually wear sweat pants and t-shirts on a daily basis. Or jeans if I venture beyond our front door. Occasionally I try to look a little nicer, but not always. I mean, I’m home far too many hours to try to dress up.

But I walked into the interview with my head held high. My mom kept telling me “Make sure to show enthusiasm for the job and that you really want it.” Woman, I sit in the same spot on the couch everyday and hear about people and work and shopping because they have a paycheck. I REALLY want this job. Two words. Store. Discount. I’m sold.

Yes, I know. I will get crazy rude and ridiculous customers and I will just have to plant a smile on my face and try not to get stabby, but I am looking forward to the job. I really do love working with people and, most of the time, the public.

And shoes. And clothes. Dude. I get to see them when they first come out, which means they will have my size! Woohoo!

And no, I won’t go blowing every paycheck on clothes, like my husband made obvious when I was talking about purses, but it’s nice to know we have a little more wiggle room. Not much, but at least there is money coming in. Finally.

So thank you to everyone who sent prayers, warm wishes, hugs, or just gave an encouraging word. You are wonderful and I couldn’t have done it without you.

Now to go buy clothes for my work wardrobe because I don’t own that much black.

Amazed

Words can’t explain my gratitude to all of you.

I never imagined the outpouring of support from yesterday’s post. I thought maybe I came across as a little whiny and you would move on to the next blog you read. But I had to get it out there. I had to write it, and not only write it, but have you read it. Journals never helped me because I knew that it was still inside me, and me alone.

I’m teary eyed and having a hard time finding the words to say to you all.

I know this is a silly blog. Millions of people have them. And millions of people probably have better ones than I do. But you found mine and you read it. And yesterday, you commented. You gave advice. You expressed your support. You gave me warnings. And you sent virtual hugs and thoughts and prayers. You gave me hope when I was slowly losing every ounce I had mustered up to yesterday. You let me know that I’m not alone. That it isn’t my fault. And that you were thinking about me.

And for that, I thank you.

Thank you doesn’t really cut it. It may sound incredibly silly, but all day yesterday, every time I received a comment and read it, it brought a smile to my face and gave me a renewed sense of conviction. You made my day significantly better.

It showed me I can call you guys friends. Again, lame. But that’s how it felt. Still feels.

Maybe it’s the wine, but I’m super sentimental today.

So I’ll quit being a gushing ball of meh.

But I had some questions about your suggestions yesterday. I think every single one of you had amazing advice and ideas, but for some of them, I’m not sure where to look or how to start.

So, I’ll jump right in.

1. Temp agencies. Never really considered it, but I’m all for it. If someone else wants to put my name out there, more power to them. But how do they work? Also, how do I find one? Even more important, how can I tell if they’re shady and should avoid them? I don’t want to end up in a drug house. Or a scam.

2. Volunteering. How did you pick where to volunteer? Where do you volunteer? How do you find places and what types of places, generally, tend to need help? I looked into CASA, but I’m afraid of committing, finding a job, and then not having time to do it.

3. Non-profits. Okay, I understand what that means, but how do you get involved? I know some of you work for non-profits, so how does that work?

4. Political. Someone mentioned political campaigns. Now, I really have no desire to go door to door. That’s so not my thing. But what else might they need?

5. Retail. I worked at a shoe store when I was 16 because two of my friends worked there. How bad is it? Also, and I’m not going to be picky about hours, but will I be working Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and New Years? The only reason I’m concerned is because I’m a couple hours away from family. So, if I was home and working, no big deal if I have to work because it’s a 10 minute drive and they will wait for me. But if it’s 2 hours, I’m afraid I’ll miss every gathering. It’s something I’m looking into, especially since we live less than a mile from the mall, but just curious. (Please don’t think I’m being picky. Just curious what I’m getting into.)

 

Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. To those of you who have said you were in my position, thank you for the advice from someone who has been in the trenches and knows the struggle, emotionally and mentally. To those of you with jobs, thank you for telling me how you got those and please don’t think I’m not happy for you. I am. I’m happy you are providing for your family and not having to go through what I am right now. To those of you in my position, know you have a partner in crime. I, logically, know that it’s not my fault and I’m doing what I can. Same for you. We will get through this. No one knows how long this will take, but we will figure it out.

You are all wonderful and know how much you’ve helped someone this week. Treat yourself with a glass of wine or a margarita or a cookie or a pumpkin spice latte. You deserve it.

love you guys.

Honorable

My pride and ego are pretty much shot all to hell.

The thought that a woman, who graduated with honors with a degree in a field that is pretty much always hiring, couldn’t find any job after experience and glowing recommendations, boggles my mind.

At least it did 3 months ago.

Now? It’s a daily fact.

So, I branched out beyond teaching. I started looking for public relations or human resource or customer service positions. All of those involve working with people, which is a huge part of being a teacher. Not only do I deal with students, but parents, administrators, other teachers. Lots of interpersonal skills are required, so I thought those jobs would work. Except I didn’t hear anything.

Then came lower level customer service positions such as secretary, administrative assistant, front desk at a hospital, bank teller. I even have 2 years of banking experience. I enjoyed my time as a teller, so I was hoping I could at least do that since I enjoyed it and it has pretty awesome hours.

Nope.

Then came other miscellaneous jobs. Even applied to be an admitting clerk at the hospital, on a rotating shift, which means over night and weekends sometimes. The requirements? High school diploma or GED.

Still haven’t heard anything.

What. The. Fuck.

I try to keep the cursing to a minimum, but I’m done.

My patience is run out and I have no idea where to turn.

I’ve tried places like Target and Barnes and Noble-nothing. Verizon? Nada. Macy’s? Nope.

These are jobs high school drop outs can get. Why can’t I get a job? And nothing against if you didn’t finish high school, but I have a degree from a good university with an accredited program. I received scholarships. I won awards. I was on the dean’s list every semester for my last 2.5 years.

I’m smart. I’m willing to work hard and I know how act in professional settings and deal with adults in an adult way.

My resume has been looked over and looks good. My cover letters have been pretty good. I’ve checked up on applications and if they received my resume.

I’ve done everything I know to do.

And it’s still not good enough. I’m not good enough.

And then my mom comes out with a gem. I love her immensely and my parents understanding has been a god send because if they were on my case, I would be more of a basket case than I already am.

My mom has said that it is honorable to do whatever it takes to have money for your family. To pay bills, put food on the table, and buy the things people need. She said I may have to look at fast food.

I’m not an elitist and I’m not a bitch. But I don’t think I can do that to myself.

It’s terrible, but I can’t. My self esteem probably can’t handle that blow.

And I know I keep talking about self-esteem. But I’ve already lived through a year of depression and hiding and not talking to anyone because I was so incredibly embarrassed about my situation at the time. I gained about 40lbs in a year. I lost pretty much all of my friends and have no idea why Mr. A stuck with me through it all, but he did and I am forever grateful and in love with the man who loves me no matter what. But what am I supposed to tell people if I have to work at McDonalds? How do I come to terms with that? How do I go to all my family holiday functions coming up and answer their questions when my cousins are doctors and work in university labs and are teachers and psychologists and math phd’s and upper level management at various businesses? Mr. A’s family is even worse. Doctors with their own million dollar practices, engineer for a weapons contractor for the US, business owners, pharmaceutical drug reps chemical engineers, university professors. If the girls don’t have a job it’s because they’re moms and stay at home. Kids are not an option.

I’m already getting back into those slippery and harmful habits as it is.

I try to make myself work out every day and stay out of the kitchen and the snacks. I try to stay positive. I read all of your amazing blogs and laugh at your funny stories, cry with your heartbreak, and revel in your accomplishments.

But I don’t know if I can do the “honorable” thing and still face people.

How the hell do I go to any event with my husband at his law school and tell them I’m flipping burgers? What if I wait on them? I’m afraid I would embarrass my husband.

But what do I do? Mr. A said he would support me if I wanted to go back to school and we would just live on loans. But how do I know I wouldn’t be in this same position with even more debt than the law school debt we already are developing.

Or do I suck it up? Work with high school kids just so I have a paycheck?

I don’t know how to make this decision or how to handle any of this anymore. I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point everyday no one calls me for an interview or anything. These apartment walls are closing in and I can’t seem to find a way out. One things for sure, I will never be a stay at home mom. I never again want to feel stuck. More power to the women who do it. I envy you.