Flying Drama

When Mr. A went to Other State, he drove since he obviously would need his car and he had too much stuff to bring on a flight without baggage costing an arm and a leg.

But I have no desire to spend 11 hours in a car by myself. There’s no need to have two cars there, so obviously, I’m flying.

But here’s a secret:

I’m not a great flier.

I don’t like to fly. Not to the point where I won’t fly, but I don’t like it. I get incredibly antsy and nervous. I have an overactive imagination and it seems to kick into high gear as soon as I settle into my seat.

And takeoff is the worst part. I can’t listen to my ipod to zone out. I can’t read my Kindle. I just have to sit there. Add in the fact that I get headaches pretty easily and my ears pop like crazy, and it’s just not an enjoyable experience.

I usually have about 2 or 3 pieces of gum and I chew like a mad woman to keep the pressure from building up in my ears. I’ll take a couple Advil before the flight and hope that it keeps any potential headache away.

But even better, I usually have my husband with me. Or someone else to talk to. Last year, when we had to get on two different flights both ways to and from Mexico, Mr. A was great and would just hold my hand and make jokes.

But this time?

I’m alone.

No one to hold my hand. No one to tell me that it will all be okay. No one to make stupid jokes and point out the other goofy looking passengers.

I have flown alone before.

I was 10 and I flew back from Salt Lake City while my dad and his girlfriend went on to San Francisco. But this was pre 9/11 and my dad was actually allowed to walk on the plan with me and get me settled in my seat.

But I am a big girl now.

And I can do this.

It;s not like I’m having a panic attack or anything, just…anxious.

My plan is to get to the airport early, allowing me plenty of time to get through security and to find my terminal and gate and all that. I am then planning on going to one of the restaurants and having myself a drink in order to calm my nerves, maybe even take a short nap on the plane.

I’m planning on buying a magazine so I have something to occupy my mind. Luckily, I got into the first boarding group, so I get to pick my seat, which will be an aisle seat, hopefully in the exit row so I have a little more space.

This time tomorrow I will be sweating my butt off and exploring a new city. Now to not panic on the plane.

Back to School?

Well, my little world just got turned on its head tonight. I was thrown for a loop and not exactly sure what to do about it or what my course of action should be.

First of all, for the background, read this post, and then read this post. It explains what has been going on and the emotional turmoil that’s been going on. I know I have some new readers, so this should help.

But in case you don’t feel like reading 3 whole posts, here’s the short version: I went to school to teach high school English. Interviewed for a job that was English, but truly, mostly a drama teacher position- which entails putting on two (very high quality) shows. We moved 1.5 hours away. This was the school I student taught at and, from what I can tell, they loved me. They didn’t hire me for that job. I believe because they knew I would leave in 3 years and they didn’t want to have to hire another drama teacher. Self esteem= big puddle of goop on the floor. (for more details, read the posts.)

So here I am. I decided to put thoughts of teaching behind me, at least for now and focus on other things. This retail job isn’t what I wanted to do long term, but it was a job and I am excited about it. I felt so accomplished having a full 8 hour day. I even relished in only having 30 minutes for lunch and shoveling food into my face and racing back to work.

And then tonight happens.

I get a Facebook message from my supervising teacher tonight that the school, which I will call MHS, has a new opening for a high school teacher.

WTF?!?!?!?!

It is listed as an interim full time position through the end of the school year. This doesn’t necessarily guarantee a job for next year or anything. I messaged her back and asked who was leaving and she replied that someone (not her) was getting a new position. I have no idea what that means.

Sounds great, huh? A position at a school that I’ve already been and they know me and like me (presumably since the principal said she would be a reference for me.)

But wait. Remember, this school id 1.5 hours away. That means, 3 hours driving. every. single. day. That means a tank of gas every other day. Which would cost about $200/week. And my car is 9 years, going on 10 years, old and over 180,000 miles on it. We were just hoping it would get through a couple more years. If I drive it like this, I don’t know that it would make it through May.

So, I would have to be at school no later than 7:30am everyday. So, I would leave at 6am at the latest. I would be at school, all day long, and if I left at 3:30pm, that puts me home at 5. But if I had anything to do after school, I’m not getting home till the earliest, 6pm. That leaves me 3 hours to grade, lesson plan, eat dinner, and shower before needing to be in bed by 9am so I can wake up at 5am and still be rested so I’m not a zombie. 3 hours. I did this to an extent when I was a long term sub and worked an after school program. 3 hours goes super quick when you have a pile of papers to grade and all you want to do is eat and cuddle with your husband.

And, if you read the second post, this means I’m around the girl who I really don’t care for all that much.

And I don’t even have a job offer. This is just an open position that I would have to apply for and interview for all over again.

Did you guys read how pathetic I sounded in the second post? Because I re-read it and I was in tears remembering that. There are people who have it a million times worse than I do/did, but that was terrible for me. I was a sobbing, blubbering mess. My poor husband, who had only become my husband a month and a half beforehand, was probably thinking he made a mistake. (Lucky for me, he’s the most understanding guy in the world and I could not have gotten through all of this on my own.) My self-esteem was at its all time low and I just wanted to disappear.

And as Jessica from Acting Adult and Melissa from DuolyNoted told me via my Twitter rant today, the fear of being rejected again isn’t a good enough reason not to apply. I’m just terrified. To get rejected twice would be heartbreaking. It’s almost as if I wish this opportunity never presented itself so I didn’t have to think about it.

But at the same time, I can’t help but wonder if this is a sign. No, I wasn’t meant for the job that also included directing two plays since I would really be too far away to do so. But here is another chance. A job that doesn’t require as much extra attention, but still a teaching job. What I went to school for.

The other problem is that I have been wondering if I was meant to teach. I see some of the things my teacher friends post on Facebook, and all I think is, “I would never have come up with that.” I think the worse thing is a bad teacher because all they are doing is hurting the students. A teacher who doesn’t care or who doesn’t know their material is much more detrimental than a class with more students. I don’t want to fail the students.

This is so hard and confusing. I’m afraid to apply, because then if they offer me the job, I feel obligated to accept. This is why I am thinking about all of this before it’s even truly necessary.

Mr. A thinks it might be a good idea. He says we can afford the gas and that I would be making a full-time salary with benefits. Also, he thinks this might be the perfect chance for me to decide if I really want to teach or not since it doesn’t seem like this position would necessarily guarantee a job after this school year.

I called my mom and she was so shocked and blown away, like I was, that she wants us to both have time to think about it and talk this weekend. I was resigned that a teaching job wasn’t going to happen this year because of the shitty economy and I would just go a different route until later. But now I’m wondering if this is God putting something before me that I never expected.

I don’t know. I need help and I need advice. I plan on e-mailing the principal on Monday to get some more information, but I need to make some decisions this weekend. Because if I interview and they offer, it seems like I would be starting right away.

What would you do? Is the commute worth it? I would basically never see Mr. A during the week and I would probably spend most weekends grading and planning my life away. Also, I would feel guilty already quitting this new job, so I would probably still work weekends and all during Christmas break for them and then be done when the holiday season was over. I need some serious guidance because my mind is swirling and I can’t figure out what to do.

Carrie Bradshaw and I need to have a little chat

Carrie Bradshaw and the Sex and the City girls have been the go-to for fashion, friendship, and dating advice for years. These four girls have stuck together through it all and, I think, it’s what every girl wants. Fun. Fierce clothes. The best friends a girl could ask for. Not to mention dating, and other unmentionable acts, with some of the most attractive men. Swoon.

But this new movie that I saw tonight with my mother in law was strange for me. It was good. I loved the clothes. The unapologetic attitudes about sex and not being afraid to be a strong and independent woman. The situations these women get themselves into. All of Carries shoes. (I would give ANYTHING to have those blue Manolo Blahnik’s from the last movie, which were nicely cameoed in Carrie’s closet this time around.

But the themes were getting to me.

If you have read anything I have written in the past week, you know I’m getting married in, now, 3 days. I am excited, to say the least. I can’t sleep. I’m restless. I’m antsy. All I want to do is to go over every detail and all I can talk about the this wedding.

I’m a five year old again.

I guess I wasn’t in the right mindset for this movie tonight. I won’t spoil anything, but a major theme was marriage problems and cheating while married. NOT what I want to even think about right now.

I got my first tiny taste of panic. From a movie. Lame.

I love him. I trust him. I do not need little bits of doubt about the sanctity of marriage or whether or not we will want to be around each other all 7 days of the week.

I guess this just wasn’t the movie for me. I thought maybe I should watch it later, but I feel like those themes are not something a newlywed needs to think about. I need to see a movie where love always prevails and people cannot be happier to be with their soulmate. Basically, I need the first movie again. Only, let’s skip the part where Big doesn’t show up at the wedding the first time. Another thought that I don’t need.

Oh well. Maybe in a few years I will be abel to look past those things and just enjoy the movie for the fabulous-ness of it all.

Tomorrow, we head home. A few wedding errands (tux, last minute gifts, nails, etc.). Saturday is just finishing up last minute things and rehearsal dinner.

And then Sunday. May 30th, 2010. 5pm. I will be walking down the aisle, looking at my future husband, and knowing I get to be with my best friend for forever.

Enjoy your holiday weekend and I’ll send you Mexico pictures!

New Teacher. New Wife.