Return Policy?

Some days I wish there was a return policy on parents.

Harsh? Yep. How I feel? Yep.

Mr. A and I both would like to trade in for different dads. Our moms we love to the moon and back and they are amazing.

My dad and I have always had a rocky relationship and it’s just gotten worse in the last few years. I don’t want to get too much into, mostly because I’m having a good night and if I talk about it in too much detail it will rapidly turn into an angry sob fest.

But, the core of it all is that my dad wants more to do with my brother and stepsister than me. I’m not saying it for sympathy. There are facts that prove it’s true.

My mom doesn’t really put it into those terms, but says that he and I “aren’t in sync”, whatever that means. If nothing else, I’m the stepdaughter, and not my stepsister.

And if I’m being honest, along with this summer’s events, it’s why I’m in therapy. My therapist is amazing but this is a problem I’ve had for a very long time and it won’t be resolved any time soon.

My poor mom has had to endure my crying, sobbing, yelling fits so many times, she deserves an award. Sometimes I need her to try less to get me to see his side or gain some understanding, and just be on my side, but she is doing what she thinks is best when I get into those moods.

Mr. A…well, he got the shaft in the dad department. He just did.

Now, before I go any farther, there are some of you that read this that know Mr. A and myself in real life, on a personal level. I write this blog for me and because it’s a space I feel I can say what I want. If you are one of the few people that I interact with regularly, I told you about this blog because I trust you, so please don’t go talking about this stuff, especially concerning Mr. A.

His dad never wanted a son. He wanted a drinking buddy and they have had a very rocky relationship.

Within the last two years, it has gotten so much better. Not perfect, but we were no longer living in Mville and it felt like they were getting to some sort of normal father son relationship.

But within the last two months, shit has hit the fan, and it really hit hard this weekend.

Since it’s not my father, I’m not going to give details, but it’s so incredibly angering all that has happened.

Mr. A is embarrassed and angry, but it’s also his dad and he feels pulled and unsure of what to do or how to say no. My MIL and I are just afraid his dad is going to try to pull Mr. A down too and we won’t be  letting that happen, even if it means my FIL no longer likes me.

Mr. A and I have a family motto. “Team ‘Smiths’” (Not our last name, but you get the point.) It’s our reminder that he and I are a family and we have to make decisions for our family and do what is best for us and that will help us to meet the goals we have for our family. Yes, parents are family, but Mr. A and I are a very close team and we have to work hard to get where we want to be in life.

And if we have to distance ourselves from my FIL, we will.

Am I trying to come between them? Not at all. But I can’t let him ruin everything we’ve worked for, everything Mr. A has poured his blood, sweat, and tears into because he can’t think beyond the immediate and makes horrible decisions. He doesn’t think about anyone else. And that’s fine, but if it’s going to interfere with our life and all we have going for us, we can’t allow it.

Mr. A feels the same. I’m not being the bitchy wife. I normally brag up and down about my in-laws. And my MIL is a saint and more than makes up for the crap his dad has done to him his entire life. Mr. A agrees. He just still wants to help if possible, but this time, it is very quickly not going to be something we can help with without wrecking our goals for life.

I know we can’t pick our parents. It’s the luck of the draw. Because of that, I honestly believe that Mr. A and I were meant to be together in order to make up for those gaps and problems in our own families and we now make our own team and our own family and work towards not repeating the mistakes of our dads.

While logically, I wouldn’t trade in my dad because without him, I wouldn’t have had these experiences and maybe would do the same things in the future or to someone else or to my future kids. It’s a piece of me, that makes me who I am and I will (eventually) be stronger from this. I just pray Mr. A can get through this, as unscathed as possible, and to not let his dad set the guidelines for his future. It’s what I’ve been praying about every since yesterday morning. Team “Smiths” will get through this.

(But maybe a month long exchange program? Could that be developed?)

Can we go on our cruise now? Maybe a two week cruise without phone service and maybe some of this crap will be solved while we’re gone. If only…

Patience is a virtue I do not have

Wouldn’t you know, I feel like blogging AND I’m in a good mood. So you get a happy post. I’m sure everyone has missed those. I sure did. ( even though my page views goes up exponentially when there is a crisis or something bad is going on)
Anywhosit…
I am so stinking excited because Mr. A and I have made the very adult decision to go on a cruise right after New Years and just before the spring (and Mr. A’s last ever And the last for this degree) semester.
Makes me giddy just thinking about it.
Our original plan all along was to go back to Mexico after he took the bar exam, but upon further thought and realizing that we will be in the middle of moving and either new jobs or job searching. Too much is up in the air to plan a big trip, so we’ve moved it up. We both will be finished with classes in December, so it will be nice for us to have a little vacation together and refresh. I will be finishing my thesis and he should be working for credit, so a nice cruise will be perfect.
I have been on one before, but due to a family member that can’t control how much she drinks, I did not have as much fun as I should have. I liked te cruise itself and the excursions, but my travel company was less than desirable. Mr. A has never been, so he’s looking forward to something new. We were originally going to do a 7 night cruise, but with it being his first, we decided a 5 night would be more manageable for a first timer.
Any of you been? What tips do you have? Also, everyone needs to kick my butt into saying with counting calories and working out because there is a beach calling my name and I do not want to be confused with a beached whale.
Also, January is too effing far away…

Seriously?

Today I started my summer class. I’m back to being a student and a teacher at the same time again.
I was feeling pretty overwhelmed since we’re doing 12 plays in 4 weeks, which involves 5 analysis papers, a 90 minute presentation, and a 12-15 page paper. In four weeks.
But I was tryin to be positive and telling myself that maybe having a lot to do would be good for me. A distraction and some semblance of a routine.
Until the professor started giving brief overviews of all the plays.
One of which is about suicide. According to my professor, it’s funny an makes light of the whole thing.
What. The. Fuck.
I was pretty much on edge the rest of the class period. Steeling myself to go home, read the play, and if I really couldn’t handle it, go talk to my professor since we would only be covering it for one day and see if I could do some additional assignment I stead of listening to a 2 hour presentation where a girl makes jokes bout suicide.
Well it turns out, it’s the one play that Amazon was out of, and since these are all contemporary Irish and British dramas, you can really only get them from Amazon UK.
So my good friend in the class is going to let me borrow his tomorrow to read.
But, knowing I have a ton of work to do, I decided to go ahead and read my assigned play.
Now, I ordered my plays 3 months ago. I got the list from the professor and wanted to go ahead and get them. She told me about the presentations, and said I should skim them and email her with my play choice. I picked the one having to do with a ghost story and went on my way. U didn’t read it in depth. I planned on working on it 2 weeks ago. Before it happened.
So imagine my surprise when I started into the play tonight and it has like 3 different suicide storylines.
Efff.
At this point, all the plays are assigned and I would imagine most people have already been working on their presentations since its such a condensed class.
When I read the first plot line, I told myself that I would just choose a critical lens that would allow me to skip around it. But since there are 3, I can’t avoid it and it’s a main part in the play.
I’m just flustered.
I’m having a hard enough time focusing to now have to deal with this in a very public manner. Most of the grad students in the class know so it will just be super freaking uncomfortable.
I guess it’s time for me to get a really thick skin and just deal with it.
My therapist will be earning his money.

After

Yeah…still not quite real.

More real than last week, but I feel like I’m in a fog.

I can’t seem to think straight. Or concentrate. Or to function properly.

Students were asking me questions in class today about their paper assignment, that I created, and it was like they were asking me to perform quantum physics on the spot.

I feel scatterbrained. I try to carry on conversations and my thoughts always go back to everything going on. A friend was trying to ask me my opinion about a haircut she was getting and I just couldn’t focus.

Mostly, I just don’t care.

I was so tempted to see if they could find another grad student to finish teaching my class for the summer so I could just stay home with Dad.

But that’s not really feasible. Dad wouldn’t want that. Eventually he will be going back to work and then I would just be sitting at home. Also, we need a paycheck.

I don’t want my life to unravel.

I really don’t want this to define me. I don’t want this to be all people see or think when they walk to me.

Doesn’t help that before I could even realize what I was doing, I told a fellow grad student what happened. I went to school today telling myself that I would just tell people that my stepmom passed away. Unless we were close friends, I wasn’t going to say the real reason. No need for that to be spreading through the halls of the department.

But someone said they were sorry to hear about the death in my family and it fell out of my mouth. And as I was saying it, I was wishing I could just shove the words back into my mouth.

I don’t know why I did it.

Maybe because I haven’t had a chance to say it. To see how the words felt in my mouth. To see how I felt once they were out.

It felt foreign. As if someone else was speaking. It wasn’t my words and it’s not my life.

This didn’t happen to my family.

Mr. A thinks I need to go talk to someone. About her death. About the issues I’ve had with my dad since long before this. How this affects my ability to ever talk to him about those issues without me sounding inconsiderate and selfish. If that’s even a possibility.

I probably need to. I just feel weird walking into the counseling center for some reason. I’ve talked with a therapist in the past, but I had a goal and she provided solutions and options for me to get there. This time? I couldn’t seem to make myself press “send” to call them to make an appointment. Maybe on Thursday. Maybe next week. Who knows.

I promise this isn’t all I’ll write about. There are just some things I need to get out and right now, this is the only safe place I have to say what I want without being interrupted. And strangely, I trust most of you more than other people. Not sure why, but I do.

I’ll get back to silly student stories and posts about Scout and fun weekends.

But for today, and maybe a few more days, I need a place to dump these feelings in hopes that this will help me make sense of all of this.

Visitors!

My brother is one of my all time favorite people.

He and I are seven years apart, and we REALLY did not get along until I got into college. We were just entirely too different and at two different points in life to find much in common or to agree upon.

I was loud and talkative. He was quiet and reserved. I was terrified of our parents. He was sneaky enough to get away with alllllll kinds of things. He graduated from undergrad Suma Cum Laude. I..well…didn’t. He got straight As through his difficult Master’s program. I hope I do as well. I still think our parents liked him more. He agrees. 😉

But, if you are new or forgot, other than my husband, my brother is one of my best friends. He was my “man-of-honor” at our wedding, which was perfect since he and Mr. A are also really good friends. (Mr. A definitely got a much better BIL than I did.)

It’s great to get to talk to someone who understands the family frustrations. He’s incredibly funny and a bit of a smart ass. I guess it runs in the family.

Unfortunately, with our busy grad school schedules and B’s busy work schedule, we haven’t seen each other since Christmas.

So I was all kinds of excited when he sent me a text last night asking about coming down to visit this weekend! We have been trying to find time for him and his girlfriend to come down, but it just never happened, so we are super excited to spend the weekend with them.

We will probably grab lunch at a local place on Saturday before showing them campus. If the weather doesn’t get too bad, I’m hoping we can go to one of the many wineries around here and spend some time catching up. Not sure what to do Saturday night, but might grill here at the apartment and then go out to one of the hole in the wall bars since they are far more fun than the fancy ones.

Sunday, they want to get up and go hiking at the state park before getting some lunch and heading home. Should be a great time.

I REALLY wish they could bring their dog, but he is HUGE and I think he would just be very very bored in our small apartment. Also, not sure Scout would be so thrilled with a 190 pound boxer/mastiff since she freaked out when we tried to introduce her to my dad’s 11 week old puppy.

(This post is much lamer than I anticipated. I’m a little rusty with the blogging.)

I’m hoping to get a bunch of good pictures from the weekend to share with you all.

And since we need to do a big cleaning tomorrow night before they get here, I will FINALLY post some new apartment pictures!

Not Daddy’s Girl

And I always thought my family didn’t have much drama. I think I was just trying to ignore it. Or even when something would happen, I would forget about it for a few months until something else happened.

But today…I don’t know that I’ll forget this one.

And I know I’m going to blog this and people are going to think that it’s not that big of a deal. And maybe this one incident isn’t, but it’s a culmination of things and this has just pushed me over the edge.

I’ve never hidden the fact that I don’t like my stepsister. We don’t mesh. I think she’s rude and self-centered and I can’t stand her. I’m not alone in this assessment either, but whatever. We don’t get along.

Now, I understand my dad trying to make sure she feels included in things. (She’s 21 btw…not a little kid.) My dad’s usually pretty good about those things, so fine.

But over the last two years, he knows a million more things about her life than mine. I had to annoy and pester to get him to complete the two different tasks he had for the wedding. His only daughter’s wedding.

He knows who her friends are. What classes she’s taking. All sorts of things. I brought three friends home a few weeks ago and I bet he couldn’t tell you any of their names. He has no idea what I’m taking. He probably doesn’t even really know what I’m doing in grad school.

I also have an older brother. My dad and brother have always been close. But that’s fine. B is 7 years older than me, they are both into the same music and play/played in bands and have similar sense of humor. For some reason, even thought it used to at times, it doesn’t bother me as much. B wasn’t a “threat”. Dad still had a daughter and we just had a different relationship.

Until my dad apparently developed dementia and thinks my stepsister is his real daughter and now feels no need to include me in anything at all.

You see, my dad and his friends and my brother all go to this place every year. They rent cabins and go to a show on Saturday and they grill and hangout and have a good weekend. They look forward to it every year. Well, last year, my brother and his girlfriend had broken for a little bit, and B had an extra ticket to the show, so I was invited to go. Awesome. My dad’s friends are like extra uncles- they have been around my entire life. They are fun and I love seeing them. My stepsister was also invited last minute, but she was on fall break and whatever. Fine.

Well, this past weekend was the weekend away again. I knew it was coming. I was a little bummed that I wasn’t invited, but I figured dad assumed I wouldn’t want to spend the money on it. I am a grown up now and can’t expect dad to pay for everything, and if I had gone, I would have wanted to pay my part.

Until I get an e-mail today from my dad with the group picture they take every year and my stepsister is in the picture. (It’s taking all restraint I have to not have a million curse words in this. My text message to my brother did not contain such restraint.)

Just thinking about it makes me tear up and simultaneously want to punch someone.

I KNOW she didn’t pay her part. And, somehow, even though dad had talked to me about the trip, never once mentioned that she was going. Funny how that happens.

I’m beyond hurt. I feel empty. I feel like I’ve been replaced. My dad HAS a daughter. It’s just not the one he saw being born or took pictures of her on her first day of school or the girl he consoled when her first serious boyfriend broke up with her. It isn’t the girl he had nicknames for and went to choir concerts for. Nope. it’s the girl he’s know for less than 4 years. The girl who is rude to most people. But hey, she happens to be a theater major and does plays, so at least he has something to brag about, right? What do you say about the girl that was unemployed for 6 months, worked in retail for 8, and is now in grad school for English? No one gives a shit about that. That’s not impressive to his business contacts. No. Completely understandable why he’d trade us out.

I’m just done. I’m tired of feeling unwanted. I’m tired of feeling like a guest in the house I lived my entire life. I’m tired of not knowing what’s going on in the family. I’m tired of feeling like a needy 10 year old in family conversations, just trying to get any morsel of acknowledgement. It hurts too bad.

So maybe this Christmas business will be easier this year. Maybe I just won’t worry about trying to schedule time to see him. He already buys her really awesome presents and I get crappy sports team hoodies in big sizes. Guess it doesn’t hurt that she’s a size 4 and 5’10”. Yeah. I’d probably pick her over me too.

Adopted Family

Unfortunately, I don’t have a very close extended family. Both of my grandmas have passed away. I’ve never had a grandpa. My aunt and I, who I used to be VERY close with, have drifted after some tough and difficult situations and choices. All my aunts and cousins on my mom’s side live far away and we only see them at Thanksgiving or a funeral or wedding.

So while I love spending time with my parents and brother, I have missed the extended family time.

Luckily for me, Mr. A has a truly wonderful family, that since day one, has welcomed me with open arms and made me feel right at home. His granny went as far to say that I was always welcome back, even without him. And this was the first family event that I had been to. I love and miss that woman.

Mr. A and I have both lost our grandmothers that were very close to us. He was there for me as we watched my grandma struggle in her fight with ALS and he was there when she passed away. I knew what he was going through when his granny passed away while we were on our honeymoon in Mexico, so I tried to be as supportive as possible since I knew he was upset that we couldn’t be at home with his family. I almost hate saying “his family” and “my family”. It’s our family. Both sides are so incredibly loving and caring and open and welcoming. I couldn’t be more blessed.

So I was beyond excited when my MIL told me that Grandad, Aunt B and her husband J were going to come over for dinner. We were going to grill and watch the baseball game.

I’ve missed the family time and just laughing and enjoying company.

And Grandad is so funny.

He is 89 years old, still goes in to work every day. He’s healthy as a horse and only take a baby asprin everyday. Granny, however, was very sick and had heart problems. Well I guess she thought because she had to be so careful with her blood pressure, that if grandad’s blood pressure went up at all, it was a problem. When in reality, his blood pressure is perfect and if it rises a little, it’s a not problem.

Why am I talking about his health? Because he is a huge Cardinals baseball fan, but since last season when our team has been a little rocky and would give up big leads (like we did last night…), he said he couldn’t watch baseball anymore because his blood pressure would rise. Granny convinced him that he had heart problems too. It’s just funny.

But we figured with all of us hanging out and talking, he would be a little more distracted and so he could watch the game.

It was a good time. B and J had lots of pictures of all the cousins and our cousin’s adopted son from Africa. He is precious and love him and wish I got to see him more often.

This is really a rambling post to say I love family, even if it’s my “adopted” family. And I think I’ve spent more time with my MIL these past few days than I did with my husband. Oops? No. Not oops. It’s been a lot of fun and she has been doing so much for us and I know she needs some girl time, so I’m happy to do it. Did I mention that my flight is booked for Other State?

Yepp. I think July might be my favorite month.

4 Days Off

This past Wednesday, when I got off work at 6, Mr. A and I headed south to Mville. I hadn’t seen his family in a long time and we were both excited to get out of town for a little while.

It started perfectly since MIL had dinner waiting for us when we arrived. Nothing fancy, but for some reason I lovelovelove her stroganoff, so it was perfect. And since it was 8:30pm, I was starving. We talked and caught up on a few things.

Even better? She knows we don’t have cable and my love of all shows on Bravo, so she recorded Bethenney, Real Housewives Orange County and Miami, Millionaire Matchmaker, and Million Dollar Listing. She spoils me that woman. So yes, I watched a lot of tv while at the house and it was glorious. And making me miss cable even more now that I’m home. One day…

We spent Thursday running around and just relaxing. We had fun seeing the town and I enjoyed laughing how excited the people in that crazy town were so damn excited about a new gas station. You would have thought they were told the South really had won the Civil War or something. Amusing.

Thursday night we went to our favorite Thai/sushi restaurant. For a small town, their sushi is some of the best we have found anywhere. And since we have NO sushi here, I was so very excited. MIL came with us and we had a fantastic dinner. Mmmm…sushi. Might have to get some in STL this weekend for my birthday.

Friday we went to this tiny BBQ place and took our food out to the lake and had a little picnic. The BBQ was amazing and I gave Mr. A a hard time for never taking me there during the 5 years I lived in that town. He claims it never crossed his mind since it is a little out of the way. The lake was beautiful that day and it was nice to get to sit outside in the sun.

That night we headed out to our favorite bar with a bunch of Mr. A’s friends. These are guys he’s known his whole life, including his best man and groomsman. They are a riot and I have missed having true, good friends around. They treat me like a sister, except with more dirty jokes and harmless flirting. G, Mr. A’s best friend had become one of my friends and while I never ever ever want to move back there, I miss him and his girlfriend and all the fun we have. Lots and lots of drinks were had. MIL had given me some “pre-birthday” money to use for the night. She spoils me people. I think she just likes having a daughter. One guy puked in the back of another guy’s car. It was funny just because of who it was. And made me miss undergrad and how carefree we all were. I wish I could go and tell myself that undergrad wasn’t that hard and I just needed to enjoy myself.

However, with all the fun that I had, I’m pretty sure I got food poisoning. Yes, I drank quite a bit, but when I went to bed Saturday morning, I no longer felt drunk and I wasn’t my usual dizzy from laying down or any of that. I was fine. But when I woke up in the middle of the night, sicker than anything, I knew something was wrong. We had some leftover pizza when we got home and since Mr. A was also not feeling so hot, we think it was the pizza. I was sicker than anything ALL day Saturday. We went for a walk around campus, just so I could get some fresh air and hoping getting out of the house would help, and while it helped some, I was still pretty miserable. We grilled at home with the parents that night and I ate as much as I could hold down. (Between my stomach issue and the BIL’s gf’s inability to chew with her mouth closed and not smacking, it was hard to keep anything down.)

This morning we got up and went to church. We have yet to find one here we like, so it was nice to go. They have gotten a new pastor in the last few months, so I was worried, but he was really great. And something just clicked with me today. Whether it was the message or the guy delivering it, not sure, but I loved it and am determined to find one here that doesn’t lead me to analyzing the stained glass and reading the bulletin a hundred times.

After church, MIL took us out to lunch and then we packed up and headed home.

It was a really great 4 days. Mr. A and I got along great. That sounds strange but sometimes going home brings out weird things in us and causes us to get short with one another. Spent a lot of great quality time with my MIL. Step FIL was being jerky, but he does that sometimes. Pretty sure he didn’t like having lots of people in his house and messing with his schedule. BIL never said a word to Mr. A or I and his girlfriend was just over the top obnoxious. Actually, he did say something, but only a smart ass remark when Mr. A was telling his mom about a big thing that happened at school. Whatever. We have both washed our hands clean of him and really have nothing to do with him, at least until he learns how to act like an adult and figures out that he can’t mooch off his parents forever.

It was such a great time and makes me even more excited to go to my hometown this upcoming weekend for my birthday. Family birthday for my brother and I on Saturday and finally getting myself some real running shoes as a gift from my dad. Then, it’s just a few more weeks of the semester, and maybe getting some answers as to where and what we will be doing for the fall!

Lots going on and hopefully a blog giveaway this week. Keep an eye out…

At least it’s over…

Well, I’ve written this post once and deleted it.

Basically, this Christmas was pretty terrible. I was excited since it was going to be our first Christmas as a married couple, but family drama and stupid crap made it not such a great holiday.

I was planning on writing all about it, but for some reason it wasn’t coming out right and I can’t seem to express the emotions and the problems, so I’m just ditching it.

Today has been more relaxing and I had to work this morning. But now I’m home, in my pajamas and watching movies on the couch. Mr. A is at his dad’s for their Christmas, and while I wish I could have gone, I think it’s good that I have this time by myself and no more trying to talk with family and be nice.

We will be going to his mom’s on Wednesday night to do Christmas with them. I know we need to spend just as much time with his side, but after this weekend, I would much rather just skip the whole thing.

But, on a brighter note, I got a Kindle for Christmas!!

I haven’t played with it much, and I need to get the hang of it, but I’m excited about it. I want to start taking it with me to work and reading on my breaks. I will spend less money eating out and will get to enjoy some books that I’ve been missing out on.

Also, got some gift certificates, a necklace I wanted, the biggest bottle of wine that I’ve ever seen, BareMinerals make-up kit, awesomely new pajamas (which I’m wearing right now), new jeans, and other little things.

Mr. A and I weren’t going to exchange gifts because of finances and such, but we decided to get something small for one another. He bought me the STL Cards baseball hat I’ve been wanting (it was a specific one) and the Yankee Candle that I loveeeee. I bought him Jay-Z’s biography, “Decoded”. We both like his music and I just saw an interview with him that was really fascinating, so I think the book will be really good. Mr. A was excited and since he doesn’t go back till the 18th, he should have some free time to read for enjoyment again.

So what did you all get this Christmas?

I’m hoping to save up money and maybe next year we can go on a little trip and be by ourselves. I would love to spend Christmas in Colorado or somewhere with snow and maybe learn how to ski or cuddle by a fireplace with some wine and watch snow fall. Now THAT sounds like a wonderful Christmas with my husband. Now to get a better paying job to make this happen….

Scrooge

I actually feel more like Two-Face from Batman. Or maybe just a bi-polar, pmsing, drama queen.

Whatever the cause or fictional character I’m acting like, I’m not really into the Christmas spirit. Part of me wants to go buy or first Christmas tree. A small, real tree and decorate it with lights and pick an ornament color scheme and also a nice “First Christmas” ornament. We’ll drink coffee with Kahlua and enjoy the time. I want to find stockings to hang on our book shelves and sneak in small, silly little gifts for him to open. I want to find the perfect gifts that will make people light up when they open it, knowing I took the time, thought of them, and wanted them to be happy with their gifts.

But then days like today happen.

Today happens and I want to skip to next May and ignore all this holiday business. Today and the thought of putting up and decorating a tree exhausts me. The thought of stepping foot into a store and trying to guess what might make someone happy kind of makes my skin crawl.

See? Two-Face.

Strangely, I had a fantastic day at work. I won the drawing since I met my sales goal on Sunday and won $25 in store money. I was at 310% of my sales goal, which is unreal. I sold quite a bit of pre-sale, which might mean I wouldn’t have to work on Christmas Eve. I signed up a credit card, which meets my goals and earns me more store money. I had some good customers and I got some recognition from my boss for my hard work. I also feel like I got some info that means they will keep me after the holidays, which relieves some of the stress that I’ll be jobless again.

But then I came home.

And really, nothing in particular happened. Dishes were in the sink. And while I could have done them, I’ve been busy and stressed and after some of the work days, I couldn’t physically stand at the sink to wash them. I got irked because I think Mr. A should have done them at some point. He may have finals coming up, but he had plenty of free time also. Whatev. We both should have gotten off our butts and done it. Fine. I bought the wrong garlic bread at the store. Not normally a huge deal, but it made me want to throw or kick something. The cookies I made last night stuck to the cookie sheet, so when I tried to get them off, every single one of them crumbled which then made me want to just throw the whole cookie sheet away because the thought of having to scrub it makes me furious.

And thinking about Christmas is making me nauseous and mad and frustrated.

You see, my dad’s side has decided that we will draw names this year and play the dirty Santa game. $25 limit for the game. And when I asked about the drawing of names? $100. WHAT THE FUCK????????????

I was worried that it would be $50. $100. And in case you have yet to put it together, that really means $200 for us. Same bank account and one, minimum wage paying, part-time pay check.  Still aren’t seeing the problem? Mr. A didn’t take the extra loan money because it would have a higher interest rate and be the last to pay off and would be ridiculously expensive, so we didn’t want to take it unless absolutely necessary. We’re waiting for the spring loan money. Which we will get in January. January rent is due the 1st. Before the loan check. Along with all the other bills we have. And everyday expenses. And I’m refusing to ask my parents for money. I already don’t pay my car insurance, health insurance, or half my cell phone bill. Maybe if I couldn’t afford everything, maybe I should have waited to get married, lived at home, and been a hermit so I wasn’t being such a burden on the parents.

And guess what? That’s $200 on top of what I had already gotten for my parents because I stumbled upon things ar great prices and would be perfect for them. Husband and I? Not exchanging gifts. I still need to get something for his parents. And then two more silly gifts for the dumb game. So for Christmas Eve alone- $250. For people with real jobs, that may not be a big deal. For us? It makes me wonder if we will be able to afford rent, electric, water, internet (which yes, is a necessity for law school), gas, groceries, and fuck it all to hell if either of us gets sick. Oh wait, I forgot. Both of us are on daily medicines. And my bc is about to run out, so that will be $50. And my migraine meds require me to go to a doctor this week to get another prescription.

And no, I can’t say that we will opt out. Weird, but my family might love me, but they won’t be understanding of this. My mom would be, but not my dad’s side. My aunt is already pissy that I probably won’t be able to be there until 8pm, even though my brother often couldn’t get there until then due to work or needing to go to his girlfriend’s family or whatnot. Me? No one seems to be willing to budge. My dad might understand, but my stepmom and aunt will harass me the whole time, which then makes me want to say forget it and we’ll just go to Mr. A’s side this year, but I’m also being a big baby and not willing to not be at my mom’s for Christmas morning just yet. And no, it makes no sense to go to Mr. A’s for Eve, then my mom’s for the morning because it’s too far to drive. And his family doesn’t really do a big thing on Christmas Eve. Gahhhhh

Add on the usual stress and family issues that arise during the holidays, and I’d really be okay with skipping them this year. Which really kind of depresses me, since you know, it IS my first Christmas as a married couple and it’s already sucking.

But, I will be excited as I see pictures of everyone’s decorations and hearing about all the fun plans. I’ll just be patiently waiting for January.