Carrot in Front of the Horse

My little weight loss journey has actually been going quite well. Which is surprising since in the past, I would have given up by day 2.

About 3.5 weeks in and I am down about 13 pounds. Lots more to go, but it’s definitely a start.

In the past, I wouldn’t see the results quick enough and I just quit, but this time, I’m giving myself the time I know it’s going to take and I’m very determined for this to happen. Not only am I tired of the way I look, but I also know I need to do it for my health. Even when I want to have children (years from now people. Don’t be thinking those thoughts on me. I don’t need it to rub off please) it is more difficult and sometimes more dangerous if significantly overweight. My mom’s labor and delivery didn’t go well, and if anything about being pregnant is genetic, then I need to give myself the best chances possible.

Also, I want to wear shorts this summer because jeans in 100 degree weather with 98% humidity is pretty miserable, let me tell you.

But, sometimes you need a little motivation.

So, Mr. A and I have set up a few little treats, or carrots, for me as I reach some milestones. And no, I’m not doing this for presents. I’m doing this for me. I actually don’t talk about this much with Mr. A because in the past, I would talk it all up and then it would fall through and I would feel like an even bigger failure because now other people knew I hadn’t held up my end of the bargain. This weight loss journey is all me. No one else. (But I do have a pretty sweet support group, both through all of you who read and comment, and with 2 wonderful women who have been a god send.)

(Source)

You see that little blue/turquoise box?

Yeah. I’ve been dreaming of one of those for as long as I knew what it meant. Something beautiful and shiny and not something everyone has. I used to joke that he could buy me something cheap and as long as it came inside a real Tiffany’s box, I would be happy.

Well, and I didn’t ask for it- he came up with it all on his own. Promise. Mr. A has said that when I reach my goal of losing 85 pounds, this little box, along with something from the amazing store, will be mine. Eeep!!

I couldn’t be more excited. And no, probably no diamonds will be involved because after looking over their website, anything with diamonds is way more than I would ask Mr. A to ever spend on me. But I love their inital charm necklaces and they have a few bracelets that I like and not too pricey.

Also, my husband has said that once I lose the weight, he would take me on a shopping spree to Victoria’s Secret. Again, all his idea. (He is a guy.) I think he always sees me walk by the windows and wish I could wear some things from there and not look ridiculous. I could get bras there I guess, but if I don’t feel comfortable walking around in it, no use paying the money for it.

Something else I’m going to do for myself once I hit 50 is to buy a custom, or at least personalized, blog design. This one is just from WordPress’s backgrounds and I want something more fun and more me. So if you know of any company or person that does this, let me know. This blog has become pretty important to me and I’m ready for it to look a little more like me.

And this last one may not exactly be a reward and more of another motivator, but Mr. A has something up his sleeve in the way of a trip to celebrate our 1 year anniversary. And while I may not be in a 2 piece, I hope to feel more comfortable walking around in a swimsuit and not crying in the fitting rooms because nothing fits or everything just accentuates the bad parts. I think feeling comfortable in my own skin is going to be the greatest reward.

Of course, new clothes will need to be bought here and there. Tonight I bought a new (and first) pair of skinny jeans in a size smaller than I had been wearing. I also bought a new top and can’t wait to wear it with my boots I got a couple months ago. (I had store credit and a gift card- only reason I bought it because I’m trying not to spend too much money on things I hope I won’t be wearing for too terribly much longer.)

I can’t get too excited because this is going to take some time, but it’s nice knowing there will be a few rewards for my hard work at the end.

 

 

Rewards for losing weight.

Tiffanys, Victoria Secret, blog overhaul, trip,

New Options

Well kids, it looks like I am now applying to grad school!

Today I met with the head of the M.A. program in English and it went swimmingly. I was very nervous going into because I was afraid I would either come off as dumb or not knowing what I was doing. Or that he would tell me I was too late or that they had to have my GRE scores before they admitted me.

And none of that happened.

I walked away feeling more confident in the decision and more anxious about applying because I really want to get in.

I would be getting my master’s in English with a focus on literature. I eventually want to teach at the college level, and I knew I would go to grad school eventually, but the current job situation has just pushed it up on my timeline.

Also, almost all of the M.A. students have a teaching assitantship where they teach 2 sections of freshman composition classes.

Even better? An assitanship means FREE grad school AND a paycheck. He said, for the 9 month contract, T.A.’s get paid pretty well (I don’t know if I should share the actual amount, and while it’s not going to make me rich, it’s more than I’m making now on top of the tuition waiver for the graduate classes. 

I won’t be able to go to grad school right now without the assitantship, so I am really hoping it works out because I am excited about this opportunity and really want to get in.

So that’s what’s going on.

I have to work on my application, which looks pretty intense. I need to get 3 of my college professors to write a letter of recommendation. They want a letter of purpose, which I’m not really sure what that means or what I should write in it. And they want a 10 page writing sample. So I need to find an undergrad paper, tweak it, and use that. And I have a week.

So next week?

Be nice to me please. I haven’t written a college paper in a while and working on one might stress me out.

The Treadmill

In undergrad, a girl I had classes with, wrote an editorial for the school newspaper. Never before had an article angered me so much.

She was on the cross-country team and, therefore, was in super shape. I always saw her running and working out. No doubt she was dedicated and worked hard.

But her article?

It showed up in the paper a week or so after school resumed for the spring semester. So probably late January/early February.

It was about how she wished the fat people and their resolutions that they would never keep would get out of her gym.

I’ll let you pause and soak that in for a minute in case you glazed over that.

She wrote about how annoyed she was at the influx of students in the wellness center when she returned from Christmas break. She was aggravated that she couldn’t get a treadmill immediately since it was too cold to be running outside. She hated how the machines were fuller, so her workout routine was interrupted. It irked her that she had to wait to use weights or the balls or that the yoga mats were taken. She wanted the new people out since they obviously weren’t going to stick with this new routine. She wanted her gym back so her and her friends, who actually worked out all year, could get back to their fitness regimens.

……………

It gets better.

She talked about how these people, (I can’t continue to call them fat and overweight and obese like she did) needed to learn to not eat so many calories. She discussed how eating fried food was the cause of their weight issues and they needed to stop shoving their faces full of it.

However, she could eat a double cheeseburger if she wanted since she ran so much that she worked off the calories. Yes, she said how much she could eat, but you couldn’t.

Sadly, this isn’t an exaggeration.

Yes, I know, as do most people, that to lose weight, you need to burn more calories than you eat, or at leats you can’t eat more than you will burn. Got it. Thanks for the science lesson.

But the attitude associated with the article infuriated me.

She wanted to bash the overweight, never taking into consideration outside factors. (I believe she said she thought thyroid issues and genetic claims for obesity were a cop out and people needed to get over it.) She couldn’t understand how anyone could let themselves become overweight or anything like that. Well, I’m super glad she takes care of herself and works out.

But you can’t yell at them for it and also tell them to get out of your gym.

Even worse? It’s not just her.

Since the new year has begun, I have seen people on Twitter and Facebook say very similar things. Annoyed that there are more people on treadmills and machines, they say they wish the people would just give up already so they could get on with their workouts.

Unfortunately, I’m one of the new people on the treadmills.

I’m one of the ones taking up your machines and apparently, wasting your time.

So I guess I should just give up and quit, right?

Luckily, I know better and refuse to let the haters get to me. At least when it comes to me using the gym. I am determined to lose weight and get in shape. I’ve got an amazing little support group. I’m counting calories. I’m working out 4 or more days a week. I’m going to do this. I have amazing support and I’m finally in a place to ignore the mean out there and do what I need to do for me.

But what about others? Maybe they don’t have the support. Maybe they have friends and family calling them fatty and telling them they will fail.

They get the nerve to go to the gym, which can be INCREDIBLY intimidating if you’re not a size 4. Believe me. I know. Especially if they aren’t familiar with the setup or the equipment. It’s daunting. And the last thing any person struggling with weight issues wants is to fumble with the  equipment because it just makes them feel like everyone is looking at them and judging them. I’ve done it and it feels like it’s just a red target on your forehead, showing that I  didn’t know what I was doing in the gym and obviously hadn’t been there in a while.

So they get there, they get on their treadmill, figure out the 50 different buttons and start. And then someone walks in, probably someone very fit, and they give them the evil glare since the treadmills are taken up. I’ve been the victim of this and I have walked out of the gym because a girl stood behind me and my sweaty ass as I worked hard just to do a couple miles and she kept audibly sighing and tapping her Nike clad foot at me. And no, I didn’t go home and do sit-ups. I was so upset that I ate my feelings.

And I’m not trying to preach. I can understand it being frustrating when your usual routine is interrupted. I was always annoyed when the new freshmen would come in and just play on the equipment when I really wanted to work out. I totally get it. But maybe, try to understand that they are trying to better themselves and they could use as much support as possible?

After the outpouring of support from my blog readers when I wrote about my weight struggles, I doubt any of you would be like that. You have been fantastic and I couldn’t even begin to thank you all for it.

So the next time a new person is on your treadmill or machine, maybe you could use that as opportunity to try a new workout class. Or a new machine. Or a new workout routine. They say the best way to work muscles is to do new exercises and keep the muscles guessing! See, it will benefit everyone!

And I know a polite smile from someone would do wonders for my motivation…

Hidden Blessings

Something I’ve been working on in my own life is being grateful and appreciative for the things I have, what I’ve been blessed with, and just working on being happy in the here and now.

The biggest one of these is my job. I hate my job. Hate. Hate. Hate.

I’ve never disliked a job as much as this one. I was lucky that I had jobs with great hours, few weekends, if any, and lots of time off, whether when I was a teacher or a bank teller- both got state and federal holidays and teachers just get all sorts of days off. (Yes, I may still have had grading or planning, but I got to do it at home.)

Retail? No such luck.

Super crappy hours. I work nearly all weekend, every weekend. It was glorious to have all of last weekend off, but now I’m paying for it with a 6 day streak. (I normally only have 3 days in a row before a day off.)

The pay?

Don’t make me laugh. It’s practically slave labor. Not sure if I’ve said it on here or not, but I would not be able to pay rent and our bills each month without Mr. A’s student loan money. I work almost full time and can’t pay rent. That’s ridiculous.

Even better? They have me in limbo. I don’t know if they’re keeping me. They tell me they want to keep me, but nothing certain. No idea if it will be full-time or not. And if they do keep me full-time, I’m going to feel super crappy when (yes, WHEN) I find a better job or a teaching job. And I know I shouldn’t let that bother me, but I feel like they maybe could have kept someone else who needed it for longer than me.

But, I have to look past that.

At least I HAVE a job. It’s something. Better than last semester when I sat on the couch for 4 months. No, I don’t like my job. But it’s a job.

It helps pay some bills and groceries. And if by some miracle, they decide to give me a pay increase, we might, just might, be able to start saving a little bit of money.Because right now, we basically have no savings because we depleted it last semester.

I thank God every night that I have something. I also pray he finds me something better, or at least that I can get a teaching job for next semester, but I have to be thankful for now.

It’s taught me some humility. It’s taught me patience with people, or at least being patient in front of them. When telling my brother a story about a particularly rude customer who said I must have failed out of high school since I work at a department store and I told him that I just walked to the back, grabbed another associate, and asked her to finish with them while I cooled off so I didn’t go and kick her ass. My brother said he would have expected me to be in a puddle crying and upset. Nope. I got mad and was ready to stand up for myself. Because right now, the only people fighting for me are me. It’s taught me better money management. It’s showed me hard work and not getting everything I want.

So I have to be thankful. I have to remind myself that it can be worse. At least I’m not at rock bottom right now. Looking for the silver lining.

My Personal Trip Advisors

Ever think you want to be more involved? Here’s your chance!!

I need your trip advice. All of it. After you spill to me your juicy insights, I want you to need to research to learn any new tips because you gave them all to me. Intense.

But what is this all for you ask?

Well, this May is a big month for Mr. A and I. It’s not only the end of 1L year for my hardworking husband, but it’s also our first wedding anniversary. And I think both of these deserve some sort of celebration or such.

Also, it’s 5 months away, so a good amount of time for me to lose a good chunk of weight by then if I can stick to my better eating and workout plan. So lot of incentive for me.

Here’s where you come in.

I NEED HELP!! I don’t know where to go!

I have all sorts of ideas on my head.

Chicago. NOLA. San Diego. Back to Mexico. Gulf Shores. Somewhere in South Carolina. Galveston. Las Vegas. Seattle.

See? Too many choices.

I want to go somewhere fun. Lots of things to do, but I’m leaning towards somewhere with a beach or some pretty fantastic pools, like Vegas.

We have been to Chicago before and we loved it. We love the museums and walking around Michigan Ave and just how much was offered. Also, some fantastic restaurants. And while there is a beach, it doesn’t seem super easily accessible since we would have to get back on the El after being wet and sweaty and such, since we would probably take the train up (done it before-wasn’t too bad) and wouldn’t have a car. It would also be a good chunk of money since you have to pay for basically everything there.

I thought of Vegas since I found some absolutely fantastic deals on rooms in nice casinos and the casinos should have some nice pool areas to lounge in. I went with my dad when I was 16 and had a blast, but I would like to go now that I’m 21 and can go to the clubs and actually walk around the casino floors. We aren’t big gamblers, so that’s not the draw for us. We would rather do the other fun things. However, I think other than the rooms, everything is really pricey there, including restaurants and shows and such.

I thought Gulf Shores or somewhere in South Carolina since there are nice beaches, and if we could get a condo on the beach, we could get some groceries and eat in most of the time and only go out some nights to save money. And while I want a beach, I’m not sure these places offer a whole lot else to do which might be a problem. We love the beach, but we like to do other things as well. I’m not on expert on either place, so please, any extra details you know would be wonderful.

Neither of us has been to NOLA. And I think it would be amazing. I think we would both love the cemetery tours and seeing old places. We both love good food and I’ve heard that there are just fantastic restaurants there. I’m no geography buff, and I’m being lazy and not looking it up, but not sure if NOLA has beaches/close to the area?

Galveston came up in my mind since a good friend of ours is moving to Houston, today actually, and I think Galveston is about an hour South, so maybe he and his fiancé could come down for a couple days as well. I know NOTHING about Texas or the area and I’m not sure if Galveston has nice beaches or is a fun place to visit?

San Diego would be amazing. My dad took me there for my high school graduation trip and it was just amazing and I think Mr. A would love it too. I learned how to surf while I was there, so I could show off my sweet skills (yeah right!) and we could enjoy the beach. The only thing I’m coming across is that it seems pricey to stay there. Also, it would be a little too far to drive, but doesn’t seem like a place with trains/subway to get around like Chicago, so a rental car might be a necessity, but we aren’t 25, so not even sure if that’s allowed.

Now, I mentioned Mexico. Seems like if I’m trying to save money Mexico would be way off my list? Not so much. We found while researching for our honeymoon last year, that if you are willing to wait to book it until really close to your vacation date, you can get a steal on an all-inclusive resort INCLUDING airfare. Also, we fell in love with Mexico while we were there. We were in the Mayan Riviera and it was paradise. Also, ALL food AND drinks were included. And while we took an excursion one day, there was enough to do that it wouldn’t have been a necessity.

I have also considered a cruise since I’ve seen some really good prices and it might be possible to drive to the port city so we weren’t also paying for airfare. Priceline offers free hotel nights depending on the length of the cruise, so that would help as well. However, while food is included, drinks aren’t and doing things when at port can be expensive, so not sure if that’s the best option.

So, I need some advice. Also take into consideration that we are in the Midwest, so costs would include wither flight or if it would be feasible to drive there and all that jazz. We would be willing to drive to Galveston or NOLA, but San Diego or Seattle would be a little much. What is there to do and will it cost an arm and a leg to have fun? Where have you been and loved? Any places I should consider that I haven’t?

And if you’re new to the blog and haven’t commented, here is the perfect time when I’m not wallowing in self-pity. haha 🙂

Annnnnd…GO!

Old Fashioned

First, thank you for all of the support. You all are amazing. You wouldn’t believe how excited I was when I got home Tuesday night. I had a long shift at work and was tired, but I read those comments and words of encouragement and I was invigorated. I still am. I’m starting my running/walking workout on Sunday. I think it might be slow going for a little while because 1. I’m not a runner and 2. still get rundown pretty easy from this mono junk, but my schedule next week should be pretty conducive to working out, so I’m looking forward to it.

Did you read that?  I’m looking forward to a workout. And I think I have you to thank. I know I’m not alone. Also, I don’t want to let anyone down. And yes, I’m still doing this for me, but having another level of accountability helps. Also, Katie from the Overflowing Brain put out a food challenge and I have taken her up on it. Yet another goal. I plan on writing a post about all my goals for this process. Mr. A has upped the ante on me and I’m excited!!

 

Anyways….

Last night Mr. A and I had a little date night.

I had to work until 8, and he had been in my home city shadowing a judge for an assignment from law school. (It was the judge that married us, also my best friend’s dad, the best friend (boy) that was in our wedding. So he basically got to have an awesome time in court with a great guy. Jealous.) I had asked Mr. A if he wanted to have a date night since I would be off today, therefore not needing to go to bed early, and he of course said yes. So then I told him that he had to plan it and it had to be a surprise.

I sometimes feel like I’m the one always planning things, so I wanted to be surprised. He did a good job.

I didn’t know if we would be going anywhere or just staying at home, but when I came in after work, he had on khakis and a polo and told me to change. He took me to my favorite Thai restaurant in town and it was oh so very delicious. I think I could eat Thai food everyday if I was allowed. Yummmmmm

We had a beer, delicious spring rolls, I got a new noodle dish and he had a delicious and spicy pineapple rice dish. And, sticking with my new better eating routine, I only ate half and got the rest to-go. Which made a yummy lunch today, that wasn’t too much food and I got to experience the dish for one more day.

After dinner, I asked if we were doing anything else. Our money is a little tight, so I was just thrilled with going out to dinner as our date night. But he took me to Schnuck’s and let me pick out any movie from the Redbox. He was originally going to take me to see Black Swan, but I’m going to see that with some girl friends this afternoon, and there aren’t many other movies out that we wanted to see, so Redbox it was. He was even going to watch any romantic movie I wanted.

Lucky for him, Easy A wasn’t sold out, so I picked that one. We’ve seen it before, but it was when it first came out and I’d already forgotten some of the story line.

Probably going to be a movie I have to buy because I LOVE it. So funny and honest and not the typical teen movie. And hello new girl crush on Emma Stone. I told Mr. A I wanted her hair color from the movie and he said he thought it would look good. I will probably come to you with pictures before I jump into that, but yeah. Great movie.

He also bought some Clementines at the store to make me my new favorite drink. He made it up over Christmas at my dad’s when I wanted something fruity, but not overly sweet and the only fruit my dad had were Clementines. So, he juices a couple of the yummy fruit, adds vodka and diet tonic water. It’s amazing.

So we spent the night with olive oil popcorn, a good movie, a few drinks and it was perfect.

Can’t wait for our next date night.

What do you do for date nights? Stay home? Go out?

Walk of Shame

This isn’t going to be easy to write. This is fun to write. I really wish I wasn’t writing it.

So, I’m sure you’re asking, “Then why the hell ARE you writing it?!”

Because I no longer have a choice.

Yes, in the abstract sense, I do have a choice, but in my mind, I don’t.

I have to write this to shame myself into doing something about it.

I know, I know. It’s the time of New Year’s resolutions and everyone says they are going to lose weight. And while some people are rude and say that no one ever sticks to it, if that is your New Year’s resolution, good for you. I will be cheering for you and wishing you the best. The people who are rude from the start always upset me because they know nothing about you and your struggles or back story. So from me to you, good luck. And if you slip up, it’s okay. Get back on. I believe in you.

And I, like you, have made the same resolution. Only I don’t like calling them resolutions.

This is my very serious goal. I absolutely HAVE to do something about it.

I know I’ve written about this in the past, but always in vague terms. Yes I need to lose weight. But as I read other blogs and Twitter comments and talked to people, I realized that “need to lose weight” means a lot of different things to different people. To some, it’s 10 or 15 pounds. To others it’s 200.

For me, it’s 85. And no, that won’t put me at anorexic status. It will bring me down to 135, which is where I should be.

So yes, I have very serious weight to lose.

And you also might ask why I’m posting this for all to see?

Because if I don’t, I will keep living in denial. I will keep on the same path. I will keep believing that it’s not that bad.

It is that bad. It’s been such a problem and source of embarrassment. It absolutely crushes me.

Throughout all of this unemployment and job problems, I’ve talked about my lack of self- esteem. And yes, a lot of the recent depressed feelings about myself do stem from the job situation. But, if I’m honest, my weight plays a huge part in all of this.

In high school, I thought I was big. Looking back, I was so very wrong, but I didn’t think that. All of my girl friends were TINY and one of my best friends had some eating issues, which I never really realized until after we went separate ways and I was looking back on the friendship and how very unhealthy it was for me. It didn’t help that I was a good six inches taller, so I was naturally going to weigh more.

My freshman year of college I weighed the lowest. I had developed some not to great eating habits of my own the summer before and the new freedom just meant my parents weren’t watching me to see if I was eating dinner.

But then sophomore year happened, my parents yanked me home because of grades, and it all collapsed around me. I was depressed. I didn’t talk to anyone at home. Not an exaggeration. I made it so that as few people as humanly possible even knew I wasn’t at MSU. I was always visiting Mr. A and such, which meant eating out and drinking. And when I was home, I sat on my bed, with my computer, and watched tv. I did, literally, nothing. And the weight piled on. I probably gained no less than 40 pounds that year alone.

And it just continued to pile on. I turned 21. I liked/still like to drink and I was all about going out and partying with friends, which usually meant going out to eat beforehand. And I learned that throwing up salad after a long night of vodka and beer pong wasn’t fun. So I would carbo-load before going out. And because I was friends with guys, I drank a lot of beer. So carbs on top of carbs on top of not doing much activity.

You know the story.

It’s embarrassing. Absolutely embarrassing. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve broken down in tears in changing rooms because clothes didn’t fit or I had to go up a size or a zipper broke when trying on a dress. If I had to create my own personal hell, it would be a changing room with clothes that will never fit and always look bad, but I had to find a way to wear them.

My husband is a very sweet man. But he’s also a very sweet man who can eat what he wants. He may complain about his weight, but he hits the gym or goes for one of his 50 mile bike rides (which isn’t even his longest and he loves doing it) and it’s gone. He’s built a little stocky since he’s a little shorter, but he can lose any weight in no time. Also, after he works out, he can eat anything he wants.

And he tries to help me. But for some reason, whenever he brings up working out more or eating better or gives me a look when i reach for the chips, it breaks my heart. I crumble into a sobbing puddle. I know he means nothing mean by it, but I can’t take it from him. I also can’t workout at the gym with him. He’s also the first person I will get angry with and it ends with a huge blowup.

But I also know my weight problems make him unhappy. Not in a way that he loves me less, but my struggles make it nearly impossible for me to just let loose or be the person I was when he met me. The confident girl who felt sexy and attractive and who knew that his eyes were only on me. And as much as he says he loves me no matter what, I can’t help but think that he has to notice other girls and wish I looked like them. Not the skinny as a rail models, but the healthy girls who can wear a swimsuit and not feel the need to be covered every minute they’re not in the water.

I want to be more for him. I want to do better for him. I don’t want him to think he made a mistake in marrying me.

And the most devastating is looking at pictures. Pictures from this Christmas just made me sick. I think I tricked myself into believing it wasn’t that bad. I wear my “skinny outfits”, thinking I look good and then a picture shows up and I look terrible. I walk by mirrors at work and I think, “It looked better when I was at home.” It is that bad. I promise you. And I need to face the music on my own problems here.

Even worse, wedding pictures. A girl is supposed to look back at her wedding pictures and love them. They are supposed to remind her of the amazing day shared with friends and family as she married her best friend.

I see the fat rolls on my arms or how wide I looked in my dress or how chunky my face looks. I try so hard to look past that, but I just can’t.

And I know a girl who had the exact same dress and seeing her pictures make it worse. Yes, she’s like six feet tall and super skinny, but I can’t help at think how much better she looked in the dress than I did.

So this is why I’m writing this.

To get back to the girl I know I was and can be, if I can just shed some of this weight and feel better, not only about my appearance, but also just feel healthier. I no longer have a choice.

I put it out there. I can’t turn back now.

I’m not turning this into a weight loss blog because I will need my escape. But I hope to do updates. Good or bad. I will feel accountable to you.

And if you are someone who is in shape, or maybe only has 5 pounds to lose, I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’m cheering for all of you and hope you can cheer for me too. This isn’t going to be easy or even fun all the time, but I’m hoping to get there this year.  I want more for myself this year, and this is where I’m starting.

A Little of This, a Little of That

I know I’ve been MIA. I had numerous blogs posts that I wanted to write, but they didn’t happen.

You know that post I wrote about mono? Yeah…it doesn’t stop there.

**So I have mono, and while I haven’t been just terribly sick from it, it has worn me down and I could use a 2 hour nap every afternoon. The only way I was surviving my work shifts was with a super vitamin B complex every morning and a large coffee every afternoon, or for the last couple hours of my shift. And I’ve never been one to rely on coffee for caffeine to stay awake or for energy.

And then, on December 29th, I start feeling really bad. I thought sleep would help, but then I woke up on the 30th and thought I had been hit by a truck. Welcome the flu to my little virus party. Apparently I can’t catch a break when it comes to getting sick. I’ve been laid up on the couch for days. I had to call in yesterday and today. I’m sure work is super thrilled with me at the moment. Luckily, I always had tomorrow off, so I can get an extra day of rest because I don’t think I’m going to have an option as to whether or not I’m going to work on Tuesday.

** Everyone is doing a post about their resolutions. I feel like when I make resolutions, I end up jinxing myself and then it doesn’t happen. I watched this clip on The Curvy Girl Guide made by Barefoot Foodie and it really got me thinking. I’ll probably do it’s own post on this, but I have some serious weight to lose. But I have to approach it differently. I have to just think about eating better and being healthy. Yes, I have a number in mind, but just going for a number hasn’t worked in the past, so maybe this new approach will. It’s either this or I’m sewing my jaw shut so I can’t eat. I’m hoping the first works because the second is going to suck.

** Other resolutions? I would like to read more, and thanks to some book clubs, I think this will be easily accomplished. I’m currently reading 1984 and it is fantastic. Can’t believe I haven’t read it before now.

Also, to get a big girl job. A job I won’t be embarrassed to tell people about. A job I feel proud of. A job that, if I was completely on my own, I would at least be able to pay rent and my own bills. Currently, I don’t make enough to even cover the rent on our apartment. And student loan money will be sparse for this semester. I need to feel proud of myself. I need to feel like my husband didn’t make a mistake marrying a girl who can’t get a real job. 2011, you better get to work because I’m expecting a lot.

Speaking of jobs, I did apply for one tonight and they e-mailed me back with a couple additional questions, which I’m taking as a good sign. Trying not to get my hopes up too much, but any thoughts, prayers, good juju you want to send this way would be greatly appreciated.

** While I don’t want this blog to only talk about work, I will say it majorly sucks right now. And I looked at next week’s schedule. Umm…they have me down for 3 shifts from 4AM til 9AM. Ummm…..no?!? For one, it’s listed under a department number I don’t know, so it’s probably stocking. Also, the hours imply stocking to me. What part of mono and need rest and don’t need to be lifting does no one understand?? Again, new job is needed. And fast.

I plan on writing more consistently, but I need to get better first. I hope you are all doing well and know I miss you. I also have lots of blog reading to catch up on. So no worries. I haven’t given it up. I just need this roaring sinus infection, sore throat, flu, and mono to all go away. That shouldn’t be too long, right?