Frozen

Well, you guys win.

Overwhelmingly, you want honest and true and what’s actually happening. If that’s me in a total breakdown over my super underemployment or talking about my irrational fears or writing about the weightloss challenges I’m facing-it’s what you want.

And I’m so glad.

I have always been one that kind of wears my emotions on my sleeves. Mystery isn’t really my game. I’d probably spill a whole lot more about myself if I wasn’t in a career field where I could get into some big trouble if I said too much or some ridiculous parent didn’t like my stories about margaritas and wine. (Really? Teachers are people too. We like beerz. Get over it.)

Also, I like that I got comments about me being “real”. One problem I have at times is that some of the blogs I read make it seem like their life is the picture of perfection. And maybe it is. I don’t know. But it makes me feel inadequate when all I read is about how peachy everyone is. I want someone to have a meltdown every once in a while. Show some grit. Some real emotion.

I completely understand not putting it all out there. I don’t blog about everytime Mr. A and I get into an argument or the nights that I wish I had my own apartment so I could just be in my own space for a few hours. Yes, sometimes we fight. Sometimes I do bitchy things. Sometimes he’s a butthead. But that’s life. I love him more than anything and he is my soulmate. My very clean and neat soulmate.

So I’m glad you want real because it’s what you’re going to get.

Like this:

I don’t really hide the fact that I hate my job in retail. It blows. Crappy hours. Rude customers. Coworkers who think this is the most important job on the planet. And I have a good degree and I make less than my BIL who was kicked out of college twice bc of failing grades and he now works at a factory making WAY MORE THAN I DO. I must have done something terrible because karma hates me right now.

So, you would think I would be all about applying for teaching jobs. Right?

Wrong.

I applied for grad school and a teaching assitantship position, but I won’t find anything out for about another month. That was stressful and I had to write a 10 page paper after a year out of the classroom and whatever. But, it’s over. I will find out via a letter telling me one way or another.

But teaching positions? So much more stressful.

For one, the applications are insane. I know they don’t want serial killers and such in their schools, but why do you need to know my exact high school gpa and class rank? Really? You want to judge me based on who I was in high school? I went to college and learned more about myself and the world and grew up. High school shouldn’t have anything to do with you hiring me. Just knowing who I dated in high school and no one would want to hire me. Sheesh.

Also, in my state, education jobs are incredibly competitive since the budget got slashed. Not as many positions and still lots of people applying.

And then there’s the interviews. I went through two teaching interviews in the past. One went really well and they didn’t hire me because they wanted someone with experience since they would be coming in half way through the year and it was for juniors who have HUGE portfolios to do. So I got it. I was bummed, but no big deal.

The other, didn’t go so great. I felt off and I usually interview well. It was with the school I student taught at, so I thought I was a bit of a shoo-in since I had glowing recommendations and the principal knew and liked me and the English department liked me. But I was interviewing against a “friend”. We were friends bc of proximity, not because I actually liked her. I didn’t.

Welp, she got the job. There are some other factors like the fact that I would have had to commute 1.5 hours where as she had a 15 minute drive. Also, she plans on living there for the rest of her life where I would have, at most, only been there 3 years.

But that was crushing. Add that she enjoyed rubbing it in my face and I’m a little scared of the whole process.

I feel stuck. Frozen. Locked in place.

I don’t even want to apply to places for fear of rejection. How ridiculous is that?

I logically know I will never get out of this shithole of a job without applying and looking for other work (if grad school doesn’t accept me (yet another stressor!!)). I just hate everything about job searching.

Add in how depressed I became during my 5 month unemployment stint after not even getting called for an interview for jobs I either would have been good at or was overqualified for.

So I’m trying to push through. A school close to my home city, that get both state funding and federal funding because of military students, and pays EXTREMLY well, has TWO English openings. HELLO! Two chances is better than one, right?

I’m trying to stay optimistic and somehow hoping a lot of people don’t know how well they pay and since it’s sort of in the middle of no where, don’t apply. Hoping.

But it would mean I would be moving home for a bit, and if Mr. A isn’t able to transfer to the other law school in my home city, then we would be living apart, which I wouldn’t be excited about.

So it’s all in the air.

I guess I need some good luck and prayers. Prayers that the RIGHT thing comes along. The thing that I will finally be happy with, whether that be grad school or a teaching position, I don’t know. But I need something because if I have to fit one more old lady for a bra and she insists on a push up bra to make “her girls look awesome”, I might vomit.

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8 Comments

Filed under Blogging, Freak Out Much?, Grad School?, Life After College, What to do?, Working Girl

8 responses to “Frozen

  1. I totally understand! I am working retail now for the exact same reason. It stinks big time!

    Hang in there, a right job WILL come along.

  2. Sarah

    I could throw out all sorts of cliches right now, about how things will get better, just keep your head up, whatever. And as much as I hate cheesy cliches, I truly believe things will get better in your job (slash grad school) situation. Sometimes life likes to take the bumpy road to get us where we need to go. 🙂

  3. I can’t imagine how frustrating it is to deal with retail day in, day out, when you can’t get something going on the job you actually want to have. I will think good thoughts for you – hopefully that school with two openings will be the right one!

  4. EH

    It is so hard to be in a holding pattern. And retail – ugh. Retail sucks.

    I completely get not wanting to apply once you’re gunshy b/c of failure. And finding teaching positions (my mother is a teacher) is brutal. I think it has to be the single hardest profession to find an opening in, which is nuts.

    *Hugs* and you know, you can always apply in Portland. (Not that our market is any better, but hey, we could hang out!)

  5. Meredith

    retail- I have never worked retail but because of your stories and ones that I’ve heard from friends, I always try to be extra nice and polite. I am usually polite, but knowing that they deal with a lot of not-so-nice people, I really make a point of it. I have HUGE amounts of respect for those in retail. It seems like a tough job without a lot (any?) of respect.

    as for the job search- APPLY to those openings!! It certainly can’t hurt. And though the location may not be ideal (okay, maybe it sucks) you can make it work.

    Sending good thoughts to those grad admissions people about you!! (and to the school, but ONLY if you apply)

  6. APPLY APPLY APPLY!

    There are people graduating with MBA’s from Harvard and Wharton who are in the same boat as you. Don’t feel bad about it. At least you can’t say you didn’t try, you know?

    Good luck with grad school. You deserve a break. It will work out. Everything as it’s meant to be 🙂

    Side note: I also have a post entitled “Frozen” in my drafts. Basically same $hit different city lol 🙂

  7. I totally understand about not wanting to apply for fear of rejection. I am still really scarred from “the lost year” and am scared to apply for things too (my current job ends in August). However, I have just been forcing myself to take on every opportunity, even when I don’t want to, just so that if August comes along and I have nothing I can say “I tried.”

  8. OMG we have the same life. Sadly you have my life like a year behind me, and well, I wouldn’t want to relive that year for anything.

    You know my story, we’ve commented about the similarities a million times, so I’ll spare you the recap. The only thing that got me through this part of the process you’re in right now is therapy. If you guys have health insurance, I really recommend it. Saved my sanity, and my relationship.

    Hang in there.

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