Tag Archives: panic

Honorable

My pride and ego are pretty much shot all to hell.

The thought that a woman, who graduated with honors with a degree in a field that is pretty much always hiring, couldn’t find any job after experience and glowing recommendations, boggles my mind.

At least it did 3 months ago.

Now? It’s a daily fact.

So, I branched out beyond teaching. I started looking for public relations or human resource or customer service positions. All of those involve working with people, which is a huge part of being a teacher. Not only do I deal with students, but parents, administrators, other teachers. Lots of interpersonal skills are required, so I thought those jobs would work. Except I didn’t hear anything.

Then came lower level customer service positions such as secretary, administrative assistant, front desk at a hospital, bank teller. I even have 2 years of banking experience. I enjoyed my time as a teller, so I was hoping I could at least do that since I enjoyed it and it has pretty awesome hours.

Nope.

Then came other miscellaneous jobs. Even applied to be an admitting clerk at the hospital, on a rotating shift, which means over night and weekends sometimes. The requirements? High school diploma or GED.

Still haven’t heard anything.

What. The. Fuck.

I try to keep the cursing to a minimum, but I’m done.

My patience is run out and I have no idea where to turn.

I’ve tried places like Target and Barnes and Noble-nothing. Verizon? Nada. Macy’s? Nope.

These are jobs high school drop outs can get. Why can’t I get a job? And nothing against if you didn’t finish high school, but I have a degree from a good university with an accredited program. I received scholarships. I won awards. I was on the dean’s list every semester for my last 2.5 years.

I’m smart. I’m willing to work hard and I know how act in professional settings and deal with adults in an adult way.

My resume has been looked over and looks good. My cover letters have been pretty good. I’ve checked up on applications and if they received my resume.

I’ve done everything I know to do.

And it’s still not good enough. I’m not good enough.

And then my mom comes out with a gem. I love her immensely and my parents understanding has been a god send because if they were on my case, I would be more of a basket case than I already am.

My mom has said that it is honorable to do whatever it takes to have money for your family. To pay bills, put food on the table, and buy the things people need. She said I may have to look at fast food.

I’m not an elitist and I’m not a bitch. But I don’t think I can do that to myself.

It’s terrible, but I can’t. My self esteem probably can’t handle that blow.

And I know I keep talking about self-esteem. But I’ve already lived through a year of depression and hiding and not talking to anyone because I was so incredibly embarrassed about my situation at the time. I gained about 40lbs in a year. I lost pretty much all of my friends and have no idea why Mr. A stuck with me through it all, but he did and I am forever grateful and in love with the man who loves me no matter what. But what am I supposed to tell people if I have to work at McDonalds? How do I come to terms with that? How do I go to all my family holiday functions coming up and answer their questions when my cousins are doctors and work in university labs and are teachers and psychologists and math phd’s and upper level management at various businesses? Mr. A’s family is even worse. Doctors with their own million dollar practices, engineer for a weapons contractor for the US, business owners, pharmaceutical drug reps chemical engineers, university professors. If the girls don’t have a job it’s because they’re moms and stay at home. Kids are not an option.

I’m already getting back into those slippery and harmful habits as it is.

I try to make myself work out every day and stay out of the kitchen and the snacks. I try to stay positive. I read all of your amazing blogs and laugh at your funny stories, cry with your heartbreak, and revel in your accomplishments.

But I don’t know if I can do the “honorable” thing and still face people.

How the hell do I go to any event with my husband at his law school and tell them I’m flipping burgers? What if I wait on them? I’m afraid I would embarrass my husband.

But what do I do? Mr. A said he would support me if I wanted to go back to school and we would just live on loans. But how do I know I wouldn’t be in this same position with even more debt than the law school debt we already are developing.

Or do I suck it up? Work with high school kids just so I have a paycheck?

I don’t know how to make this decision or how to handle any of this anymore. I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point everyday no one calls me for an interview or anything. These apartment walls are closing in and I can’t seem to find a way out. One things for sure, I will never be a stay at home mom. I never again want to feel stuck. More power to the women who do it. I envy you.

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Filed under Freak Out Much?, Life After College, What to do?

Hand on the hip

Since I don’t get to see my wedding pictures until Sunday, I thought I would write, what I thought, were some helpful tips/advice for weddings and such. It would be light and sweet and funny and basically all about doing what YOU want since it’s YOUR wedding.

Until my mom called.

My mom went and picked up the pictures last night. She was crazy busy at work today, so I didn’t get to talk to her all day about the pictures. I was dying to hear about them, knowing they would be great and she would say, “I just don’t know how I’m going to choose.” You know how moms are. Their daughter is the most beautiful in the world and all that jazz. (Please don’t interpret that as I think I am the most beautiful. I don’t.)

We talk for about 15 minutes and no mention of pictures, which is shocking coming from my mother. She has ooed and ahhed over every bit about our wedding and was just itching to see pictures. But she’s talking about how our home state is cracking down on construstion zone speed limits with cameras and if you are 1mph over they send you a whopping $400 ticket???

Useful information for when I go home next weekend because I drive like a bat out of hell quickly, but not what I expected.

So I asked. I figure she had a long, hard day and her mind is a little slammed. No big. Goes like this:

Me: So Mom, how are the pictures? I’m dying to see them

Mom: (slight pause) They are fine, good.

Me: (pure terror on my face but trying to hide it) Fine? What’s wrong? Did they get messed up? (Me thinking something happened in printing the book and can be fixed.)

Then it comes out. Mom says that there is hardly any variety in poses. That many of them look the same. Not much difference.

And then she says it. The thing that now has me sitting here, having a minor panic attack, crying having cried, complete freak out.

“It’s not like anyone was going to plaster their walls with 30 pictures of the wedding, so they can find a few they like.”

WHAT THE HELL?????????????????????????????????????????????

Actually Mom, as wedding gifts, which you were there when I opened, we received two HUGE collage picture frame and my EXACT plan was to fill them with pictures of the wedding and hang them up. Not all of me or Mr. A of course, but of the wedding, and throw in some honeymoon pictures too.

Yes. That is what I was going to do.

Apparently not anymore if, according to her, nearly every picture I have my hand on my hip and look the same.

Terror. That’s what this is. I don’t even want to look at them at the moment.

And to top it off, some friends who got married right around the same time we did put their wedding pictures on Facebook. Guess what? Their’s are fucking gorgeous. The photographer had an eye and did some awesome poses and cool shots.

What the hell do I do now? Not like they were senior pictures and we can just go reshoot them. I can’t get back into my wedding dress, ask all the guys to go rent a tux again, and go take more. I guess Mr. A and I could go do casual ones, he in a suit and my in my dress, but more laid-back?

No. I want my wedding pictures to be perfect. I wanted to look over them a million times and not be sure which ones to print.

I know. I should relax until I see them. Or you will tell me that it isn’t that bad or that I loved my wedding so don’t worry.

But that’s the thing. We loved our wedding. I keep asking if we can relive it. But in 5 years, I’m not going to remember everything and that’s what the pictures are for.

And what’s more disappointing, from what I can see on my photographer’s blog, she didn’t have this problem with any other couple. Every other bride looked like a super model and they had fun and edgy pictures.

Is it because I didn’t have bridesmaids that she didn’t know what to do with us? Is it because it felt about 150 degrees outside in that dress and those tuxes, so we cut some of the outdoor shooting short because I was trying to be nice and didn’t want everyone to sweat to death before the ceremony? Should I have taken pictures after the ceremony like normal people and then we could have been as sweaty as I asked them to be? Is it me?

This is what happens to me. I fall apart. I’m getting teary eyed right now because I just wanted these pictures to turn out how I thought they would.

And looking at others, I have no getting ready pictures because I got dressed at the gallery and already had my hair and makeup done, so by the time the photographer got there, I was ready. No fun pictures of the guys getting dressed.

I can’t think about this anymore. I’ll just have to see come Sunday. Maybe I’ll just steal other bride’s pictures and pretend their mine…

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Filed under Freak Out Much?, wedding