My pride and ego are pretty much shot all to hell.
The thought that a woman, who graduated with honors with a degree in a field that is pretty much always hiring, couldn’t find any job after experience and glowing recommendations, boggles my mind.
At least it did 3 months ago.
Now? It’s a daily fact.
So, I branched out beyond teaching. I started looking for public relations or human resource or customer service positions. All of those involve working with people, which is a huge part of being a teacher. Not only do I deal with students, but parents, administrators, other teachers. Lots of interpersonal skills are required, so I thought those jobs would work. Except I didn’t hear anything.
Then came lower level customer service positions such as secretary, administrative assistant, front desk at a hospital, bank teller. I even have 2 years of banking experience. I enjoyed my time as a teller, so I was hoping I could at least do that since I enjoyed it and it has pretty awesome hours.
Then came other miscellaneous jobs. Even applied to be an admitting clerk at the hospital, on a rotating shift, which means over night and weekends sometimes. The requirements? High school diploma or GED.
Still haven’t heard anything.
What. The. Fuck.
I try to keep the cursing to a minimum, but I’m done.
My patience is run out and I have no idea where to turn.
I’ve tried places like Target and Barnes and Noble-nothing. Verizon? Nada. Macy’s? Nope.
These are jobs high school drop outs can get. Why can’t I get a job? And nothing against if you didn’t finish high school, but I have a degree from a good university with an accredited program. I received scholarships. I won awards. I was on the dean’s list every semester for my last 2.5 years.
I’m smart. I’m willing to work hard and I know how act in professional settings and deal with adults in an adult way.
My resume has been looked over and looks good. My cover letters have been pretty good. I’ve checked up on applications and if they received my resume.
I’ve done everything I know to do.
And it’s still not good enough. I’m not good enough.
And then my mom comes out with a gem. I love her immensely and my parents understanding has been a god send because if they were on my case, I would be more of a basket case than I already am.
My mom has said that it is honorable to do whatever it takes to have money for your family. To pay bills, put food on the table, and buy the things people need. She said I may have to look at fast food.
I’m not an elitist and I’m not a bitch. But I don’t think I can do that to myself.
It’s terrible, but I can’t. My self esteem probably can’t handle that blow.
And I know I keep talking about self-esteem. But I’ve already lived through a year of depression and hiding and not talking to anyone because I was so incredibly embarrassed about my situation at the time. I gained about 40lbs in a year. I lost pretty much all of my friends and have no idea why Mr. A stuck with me through it all, but he did and I am forever grateful and in love with the man who loves me no matter what. But what am I supposed to tell people if I have to work at McDonalds? How do I come to terms with that? How do I go to all my family holiday functions coming up and answer their questions when my cousins are doctors and work in university labs and are teachers and psychologists and math phd’s and upper level management at various businesses? Mr. A’s family is even worse. Doctors with their own million dollar practices, engineer for a weapons contractor for the US, business owners, pharmaceutical drug reps chemical engineers, university professors. If the girls don’t have a job it’s because they’re moms and stay at home. Kids are not an option.
I’m already getting back into those slippery and harmful habits as it is.
I try to make myself work out every day and stay out of the kitchen and the snacks. I try to stay positive. I read all of your amazing blogs and laugh at your funny stories, cry with your heartbreak, and revel in your accomplishments.
But I don’t know if I can do the “honorable” thing and still face people.
How the hell do I go to any event with my husband at his law school and tell them I’m flipping burgers? What if I wait on them? I’m afraid I would embarrass my husband.
But what do I do? Mr. A said he would support me if I wanted to go back to school and we would just live on loans. But how do I know I wouldn’t be in this same position with even more debt than the law school debt we already are developing.
Or do I suck it up? Work with high school kids just so I have a paycheck?
I don’t know how to make this decision or how to handle any of this anymore. I feel like I’m reaching my breaking point everyday no one calls me for an interview or anything. These apartment walls are closing in and I can’t seem to find a way out. One things for sure, I will never be a stay at home mom. I never again want to feel stuck. More power to the women who do it. I envy you.