Walk of Shame

This isn’t going to be easy to write. This is fun to write. I really wish I wasn’t writing it.

So, I’m sure you’re asking, “Then why the hell ARE you writing it?!”

Because I no longer have a choice.

Yes, in the abstract sense, I do have a choice, but in my mind, I don’t.

I have to write this to shame myself into doing something about it.

I know, I know. It’s the time of New Year’s resolutions and everyone says they are going to lose weight. And while some people are rude and say that no one ever sticks to it, if that is your New Year’s resolution, good for you. I will be cheering for you and wishing you the best. The people who are rude from the start always upset me because they know nothing about you and your struggles or back story. So from me to you, good luck. And if you slip up, it’s okay. Get back on. I believe in you.

And I, like you, have made the same resolution. Only I don’t like calling them resolutions.

This is my very serious goal. I absolutely HAVE to do something about it.

I know I’ve written about this in the past, but always in vague terms. Yes I need to lose weight. But as I read other blogs and Twitter comments and talked to people, I realized that “need to lose weight” means a lot of different things to different people. To some, it’s 10 or 15 pounds. To others it’s 200.

For me, it’s 85. And no, that won’t put me at anorexic status. It will bring me down to 135, which is where I should be.

So yes, I have very serious weight to lose.

And you also might ask why I’m posting this for all to see?

Because if I don’t, I will keep living in denial. I will keep on the same path. I will keep believing that it’s not that bad.

It is that bad. It’s been such a problem and source of embarrassment. It absolutely crushes me.

Throughout all of this unemployment and job problems, I’ve talked about my lack of self- esteem. And yes, a lot of the recent depressed feelings about myself do stem from the job situation. But, if I’m honest, my weight plays a huge part in all of this.

In high school, I thought I was big. Looking back, I was so very wrong, but I didn’t think that. All of my girl friends were TINY and one of my best friends had some eating issues, which I never really realized until after we went separate ways and I was looking back on the friendship and how very unhealthy it was for me. It didn’t help that I was a good six inches taller, so I was naturally going to weigh more.

My freshman year of college I weighed the lowest. I had developed some not to great eating habits of my own the summer before and the new freedom just meant my parents weren’t watching me to see if I was eating dinner.

But then sophomore year happened, my parents yanked me home because of grades, and it all collapsed around me. I was depressed. I didn’t talk to anyone at home. Not an exaggeration. I made it so that as few people as humanly possible even knew I wasn’t at MSU. I was always visiting Mr. A and such, which meant eating out and drinking. And when I was home, I sat on my bed, with my computer, and watched tv. I did, literally, nothing. And the weight piled on. I probably gained no less than 40 pounds that year alone.

And it just continued to pile on. I turned 21. I liked/still like to drink and I was all about going out and partying with friends, which usually meant going out to eat beforehand. And I learned that throwing up salad after a long night of vodka and beer pong wasn’t fun. So I would carbo-load before going out. And because I was friends with guys, I drank a lot of beer. So carbs on top of carbs on top of not doing much activity.

You know the story.

It’s embarrassing. Absolutely embarrassing. I couldn’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve broken down in tears in changing rooms because clothes didn’t fit or I had to go up a size or a zipper broke when trying on a dress. If I had to create my own personal hell, it would be a changing room with clothes that will never fit and always look bad, but I had to find a way to wear them.

My husband is a very sweet man. But he’s also a very sweet man who can eat what he wants. He may complain about his weight, but he hits the gym or goes for one of his 50 mile bike rides (which isn’t even his longest and he loves doing it) and it’s gone. He’s built a little stocky since he’s a little shorter, but he can lose any weight in no time. Also, after he works out, he can eat anything he wants.

And he tries to help me. But for some reason, whenever he brings up working out more or eating better or gives me a look when i reach for the chips, it breaks my heart. I crumble into a sobbing puddle. I know he means nothing mean by it, but I can’t take it from him. I also can’t workout at the gym with him. He’s also the first person I will get angry with and it ends with a huge blowup.

But I also know my weight problems make him unhappy. Not in a way that he loves me less, but my struggles make it nearly impossible for me to just let loose or be the person I was when he met me. The confident girl who felt sexy and attractive and who knew that his eyes were only on me. And as much as he says he loves me no matter what, I can’t help but think that he has to notice other girls and wish I looked like them. Not the skinny as a rail models, but the healthy girls who can wear a swimsuit and not feel the need to be covered every minute they’re not in the water.

I want to be more for him. I want to do better for him. I don’t want him to think he made a mistake in marrying me.

And the most devastating is looking at pictures. Pictures from this Christmas just made me sick. I think I tricked myself into believing it wasn’t that bad. I wear my “skinny outfits”, thinking I look good and then a picture shows up and I look terrible. I walk by mirrors at work and I think, “It looked better when I was at home.” It is that bad. I promise you. And I need to face the music on my own problems here.

Even worse, wedding pictures. A girl is supposed to look back at her wedding pictures and love them. They are supposed to remind her of the amazing day shared with friends and family as she married her best friend.

I see the fat rolls on my arms or how wide I looked in my dress or how chunky my face looks. I try so hard to look past that, but I just can’t.

And I know a girl who had the exact same dress and seeing her pictures make it worse. Yes, she’s like six feet tall and super skinny, but I can’t help at think how much better she looked in the dress than I did.

So this is why I’m writing this.

To get back to the girl I know I was and can be, if I can just shed some of this weight and feel better, not only about my appearance, but also just feel healthier. I no longer have a choice.

I put it out there. I can’t turn back now.

I’m not turning this into a weight loss blog because I will need my escape. But I hope to do updates. Good or bad. I will feel accountable to you.

And if you are someone who is in shape, or maybe only has 5 pounds to lose, I hope you can understand where I’m coming from. I’m cheering for all of you and hope you can cheer for me too. This isn’t going to be easy or even fun all the time, but I’m hoping to get there this year.  I want more for myself this year, and this is where I’m starting.

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17 Comments

Filed under Life After College, Married Life, Wannabe former couch potato, What to do?

17 responses to “Walk of Shame

  1. This was a really honest and well written post. I hope it was carthatic for you to write.

    I think everybody’s weight loss goals are different, and different things work for different people. I used to be an extreme dieter, but now I have realized that its not about the number on the scale, but how I feel. I have absolutely no idea how much I weigh. I refuse to get on a scale. Instead, I just try to be healthy because it makes ME feel better. I run because I like to run, and it makes me strong and I like the goal aspect of it. I don’t run to lose 5 pounds, otherwise I would start to hate running. That perspective, at least for me, has helped me to maintain my weight, sometimes lose weight, and just get over my personal self loathing that comes with defining what I look like by what a number on a scale tells me.

    Additionally, have you heard of the daily plate? Sometimes I count calories (not obsessively) and its a great website for doing that.

    Good luck with your weight loss goals, I know you can do it!

  2. Thank you for writing this. You’ve said so many of the things I can’t. 2011 will be our year. We can do this! 🙂 I’d love to link to your post when I write mine if I may…. just let me know! You’ve inspired me today!

  3. You’ve taken the first step so you are on your way! There are a LOT of women that can relate to you (like me) so know that you are not alone.

    Best wishes and I know you can do this!

    Girl, You go on wit your bad self!!! 🙂

  4. EH

    Big hugs to you. That’s a lot to put out there for everyone to see – you’re way more courageous than I would be. I think we all know how you feel and have been there at one point or another – I’m trying to get rid of my law school weight now. (And it’s so much easier for men – even my older husband can drop pounds by cutting down to, say, 2500 calories a day. Must be nice. My target is around 1200. Ugh.)

  5. I’m cheering for you.

    If you haven’t already, I’d suggest seeing a doctor re: depression. When I was unemployed/depressed/overweight, getting some pills to kill the depression helped my mind, sure, but also helped me stop overeating, stop being a lazy lump of nothing on the couch, etc. And as I stopped being depressed and stopped overeating and became more active off the couch, I lost weight. I’m not advocating antidepressants as weight loss, but fixing your mind will help you work toward having a healthy body.

  6. You’re so great for being brave and sharing your feelings. We can all learn from your good example. I’ll be right there with you in your weight loss journey.

    But don’t beat yourself up about things. Mr. A loves you and your friends love you for the wonderful person you are. Losing weight may help you to feel better, but it doesn’t change how much everyone cares about you! 🙂

  7. I believe in you! You have discovered something you don’t like about yourself, something you CAN change, and I have no doubt that you WILL change it! And that’s wonderful!

    But this: “I want to be more for him. I want to do better for him. I don’t want him to think he made a mistake in marrying me.”

    That – I can say without even know you or your husband – has nothing to do with your weight. If feeling better about your health and your appearance make you a happier person who is better able to take care of herself and her marriage, that’s one thing. But I am SURE that your husband’s love for – and his attraction to – you has nothing to do with your weight.

    Anyway, I am rooting for you! You can do this!

  8. Sarah

    I’m cheering for you (I wish I was in the same city so I could do so in person)! I think you’re awesome for writing this all out. And the first step–just saying it out loud–is always the most difficult. It’s all up from here!

    Good luck! 🙂

  9. Meredith

    Can I give you a really big hug? Come here……

    Good hug good hug.

    You are a brave brave woman, putting all that out there. And you CAN do it. you CAN. Me and all your blogging friends will certainly be cheering you on. Loudly.

    And can I exactly 1000x over what Mrs. Doctor said? She is so wise, listen to her.

    Sending you more hugs….

  10. You did the first step, putting it out there. Now the hard work begins, BUT the cheering from the bloggy friends also begins!

    You can do it!

  11. As a goal for yourself, I think you should do post-wedding portraits or “trash the dress” pictures in your wedding dress. That way, you can get pictures of you and with Mr. A in your dress at a weight where you’re more comfortable. And you could have pictures to go along with your wedding pictures that you’d be really happy to look at.

  12. I think you were really brave to blog about this. Good luck this year, rediscovering YOU!

  13. You’re so brave and honest. I really love that about you. I’m sure it was scary to put all of this out there, but I can tell you that I relate to a lot of what you say. I’ve gone up and down in weight over the years, but mostly up. Every time I think I’m at my heaviest, I gain a few more pounds. It really is a struggle. Having a fresh outlook can really help. I will be here to cheer you on and encourage you whenever you need it. I, myself, will be attempting to take off the weight this year too. Hopefully this time I can keep it off.

    I know Mr. A loves you now and will love you no matter how you look. If losing weight will make you feel better then go for it. Just remember that the old saying is true: it’s what’s on the inside that counts!

    Love and hugs, girl.

  14. YOU ARE SO BRAVE FOR POSTING THIS!!!

    I was on a diabetes trial drug that made me gain about 10 lbs of water weight (which when you’re 5’2 looks like 30 lbs on anyone else). I totally gave up on looking good and ate myself fat- up 5 jeans sizes. I only recently pulled most of it off. It sucked (especially because it started out being something out of my control) but fixing it was the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. It really percolates into every other area of your life. I’m more disciplined about everything now.

    Good luck and keep writing about this!

  15. fattyfile

    I remember looking at your wedding photos when you posted them and my first reaction was, DANG, that girl is radiant. You have a killer smile and amazing hair. Please know that we are all our own worst critics; you really look stunning in your wedding photos.

    That said, on a day-to-day basis, it’s really hard to feel uncomfortable in your own skin. I know that feeling all too well myself. Kudos to you for recognizing that you want to feel comfortable again and for embracing the hard work that it will take to get there.

    Some practical stuff: Have you looked into spousal memberships at the law school gym? My husband’s school offers an almost-free membership to spouses ($75 a semester, I think — dirt cheap for here, where an average gym membership is at least $60 a month). It’s not well advertised so it might be worth looking into for you. If the gym isn’t an option, I’m a big fan of Couch to 5K. The Shred videos are good, too, although now that I’m doing some “real” weightlifting (courtesy of the awesome book, The New Rules of Lifting for Women), I realize that my form while doing the 30-Day Shred was pretty atrocious.

    Exercise is important but food is important, too. My best piece of advice is to eat fruit and veggies like it’s your job. When I eat more fruits and vegetables, I instantly feel healthier.

    Best of luck!

  16. Hey! I have been MIA for the past two weeks and am just catching up on your blog. Girl- HONEST-this was great. Nothing to be ashamed about! Just as you said you believe in all of us who are making an effort to change- I BELIEVE IN YOU! Start with realistic goals. That is what Doug has taught me. He is sadly the healthier of the two of us. I don’t usually get healthy until he does. 😦

  17. Pingback: Carrot in Front of the Horse « New Teacher. {finally} New Wife.

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