Can’t Keep My Mouth Shut

Holy hell.
I am so angry tonight.
The tragedy in Colorado has been nagging me all day. Not in a “I’m trying to insert myself into the tragedy for attention” sort of way. I really haven’t talked about it except on social media and to express my condolences. (and complete outrage at a company that tweeted that Aurora must be trending based on their latest dress style).
But in a “I can’t wrap my head around this” way.
Now, I love social media. I have been able to interact with some amazing people and even meet some of them and they have become close friends.
But on a day like today, I nearly deleted all accounts.
It wasn’t buy a few hours after the terrible news was breaking as Americans all across the country were waking up, expecting reviews of the summer blockbuster, but finding that we were hit with yet another senseless act of violence, that the insensitive tweets began.
Statements about his possible political affiliations began. Jokes about its relation to the election.
The usual gun control debates started, just as they do after any tragedy like this. (not saying I disagree, just another piece of this day long puzzle)
But then a certain strain of commentary just rubbed me the wrong way.
As the news began to discover details, it came out that a 4 month old and a 6 year were in the theater. Mixed reports as to if they were hot or not and I don’t want to spread false news.
But instead of expressing grief for the parents that (may) have lost their children or at the very least, were traumatized by the event.
No, people were blaming the parents for taking their kids with them.
In a normal situation, questioning this might be reasonable. If the baby started crying during a midnight showing of a movie I was eager to see, I would be annoyed.
But this is not in anyway a normal situation. The parents were probably traumatized and horrified and terrified.
For people to then criticize their parenting choices is tactless. This is not the time. It hasn’t even been 24 hours.
For all we know, they had a babysitter that bailed. They were given last minute tickets and believed their child would sleep through it. Maybe it wasn’t the best decision, but they are probably already upset and grieving and hurting and they don’t need strangers pulling the “holier than thou” card on them.
Why do we feel we have to judge and criticize others’ decisions, especially during an event such as this.
Stop it. Just stop it. Shut, wait 48 hours before critiquing the victims. I’ll still be mad in 48 hours, but at least there would be the smallest amount of time for the shock and grief to move past.
Yes I’m on a soapbox, but I can’t take the rude, insensitive comments anymore. Be human. Have a heart. Sympathize for others’ pain. And maybe, for once, keep your obnoxious comments to yourself and think how you might be affecting others.

No Words

Keeping the victims, their families, and all affected by this tragedy in my thoughts and prayers. Hoping we as a country can keep what’s important in the forefront and not turn to politicizing this tragedy or blaming anyone except the man that decided he knew better than anyone else an that he had the right to destroy innocent lives.

Dancing the Liberal Line

So, this might make people mad. Who knows. But I believe people should be able to disagree and be nice about it. And this has been bugging me for a while, so I’m blogging about it. Just like I blog about nearly everything else in my life.

I am in a very liberal department. I think most English/literature departments are probably the same. It comes from looking beyond what is right in front of us to the meanings behind everything. We look for connections and motivations and reasons.

I would also consider myself to be pretty liberal, especially with social issues. I believe in equality for all, not just those that fit into a box that some people feel everyone should fall into. It’s something I’ve always believed and worked hard to demonstrate in my own life.

That being said, I also feel that some people get their panties in a bunch over nothing. Some people feel the need to find an argument or a fight in nothing. Also, people are fully capable of disagreeing about a topic, but still being respectful and considerate. A thoughtful discussion can happen with the understanding that neither party is trying to tell the other that they are wrong or trying to persuade the other to change their opinion. I love discussions like that. Discussing ideas and opinions and ideologies in a respectful manner.

However, in my department, many of my colleagues seem to believe that we should all think and act in the same way.

In my department, I’m a bit of an outlier.

See, I don’t fit the typical liberal master’s student mold.

Many that I am in school with equate liberal with feminist. And in a lot of ways, I agree with many of the feminist ideals. Equality. Reproductive rights. Not being forced into stereotypical social positions simply based on gender.

But I don’t seem to garner the same respect.

I married young, which tends to go against the ideas a lot of my classmates have. A lot of them don’t want to get married or tend to put their nose in the air when they find out that I married at 23.

Also, I want kids. I have always wanted to be a mom at some point. But I believe that I am also in a field that will allow me to be a mom and have a career that I love. As a college professor, I will get a whole lot more freedom in arranging my schedule so that I can still be with and raise my kids.

I also want a house with a yard. I want to be able to paint walls and hang things up and if I screw something up, not being terrified that my landlord is going to be pissed. I won’t be happy that I messed it up, but then I can fix it, or not, because the house will be mine.

For some reason, I’m the odd man out. Last year, I can’t even count the number of times that I was made fun of by “friends” when these topics would come up. I quickly learned that I would not be able to discuss these things with these people without being ridiculed both to my face, and more than likely, behind my back.

However, the most recent barrage of loaded questions and side glances is that of what I’m not doing right now.

I’m not applying for PhD programs.

You see, my husband and I graduate next May. As many of you know, the legal job market isn’t great. A lot of job markets pretty much suck right now, but the legal one seems to really be struggling. So many young people went to law school because they didn’t know what else to do, so there is an influx of lawyers in a job market that was hit just as hard as anyone else.

Because of this, I’m not applying for PhD programs since we have NO CLUE where we will be living next year. We don’t know where Mr. A will be getting a job and how much he will be making or how long it will take us to get settled.

So, I’m making the smart and, in my mind, commonsensical decision to hold off. I don’t want to apply to some school, love it and get my hopes up, to only find out that my husband got a job 3 states over.

I have no problem holding off a year, waiting to see where we will be, then applying for schools in the area. I will get more time to take the GRE and really decide where I want to go. I get to apply for jobs and hopefully get a bit of a break from being a student and just work for once. Only have work responsibilities and not also stressing over papers and such.

But to the super liberals in my department, I am an alien. Also, I apparently don’t care about feminist issues and only wanted an MRS degree since I’m waiting to see where Mr. A’s career takes us.

If I hear one more time, “Well why doesn’t he follow you?” or “Why can’t he find a job where you get into a PhD program?” I might scream.

Had I been in a program that say only 5 schools in the country had, then Mr. A would be all about looking for jobs in those places.

Because we support each other 100%.

But I’m not. Most big or decent size schools have my program. Possibly even close schools would allow me to do it via the internet. So I’m waiting.

I don’t even like to call it compromising because I don’t feel that I am giving up a thing. This is what I want. I’m in a very supportive marriage. My husband was the one pushing me to do this and will do what he has to in order to make sure that I get to finish out my program, like I want to.

Just because I’m not immediately moving from my master’s into my PhD, doesn’t mean that I’ve reverted to a 1950s housewife that cleans in pearls and has dinner on the table at 6pm every night and is satisfied with a slap on the ass as my thank you.

That’s not me. That’s not the woman Mr. A married and it’s not at all the wife he wants. He likes that I have career ambitions and am educated and am not satisfied yet, that I’m striving for more.

I just hate that apparently I can’t have a career and thoughts AND a family. Why do those have to be separate things? Why can’t I have both without feeling like I am on the defensive all the time? Why can’t I give them a hard time for moving straight into the next program, for sleeping around, for never wanting to own a property because “it’s so much easier for someone else to be responsible for it”, for never wanting kids?

That’s right. Because I am a believer in each person doing what is right for them. One of my good friends never wants kids, so maybe I don’t send her pictures of cute/funny kid things I find, but she also jokes about kidnapping me for girls’ nights once I do have a baby. I know she will be happy for us, but I also won’t try to push my ideas about motherhood on her. To be honest, I will be happy to have a friend that doesn’t want to talk about breastfeeding and poopy diapers.

I just want some mutual respect for my life decisions. I’m not out doing heroine or stealing things or hurting others. I’m following my dreams, and those dreams comingle a career and a family life.

Sorry for the rant. I’m just so aggravated with all of this right now and I just want to feel like I’m doing the right thing. I KNOW I am. But I hate feeling like I have to defend it or that I’m being talked about since I’m not out at the bars 4 nights a week.

Newest Member

If you follow me on Twitter, I apologize.
All I have talked about since Saturday is our newest member if the family and.
We have a new kitten.

This is Truman. He is 3.5 months old and born on my birthday.

This…was not planned. We were not under any circumstances considering another kitten.
For years now, Mr. A and I have enjoyed going to pet adoption drives at Petsmart. It’s something we’ve done on Saturdays or Sundays for a long time. When we couldn’t have a pet, this helped fulfill our desire since we got to play with all the animals and ooo and ahhhh over them.
As much as I love soft and cuddly things, and as much as I wanted them, I was logical and went about my business.
So we went to our favorite pet store while home this past weekend. Mr. A went to the restroom so I went to go look at the animals.
I walked past the kitten with a stub tail. Past the boisterous little guy that was reaching his paw through the cage and tapping the kitten next to him to get him to play. Past the all white little girl that was shy but sweet and super pretty.
I walked all the way down the aisle and there was a little black kitten in a cage on the end. He was napping but as soon as I walked up, he lifted his head and was looking me in the eyes.
I reached in to scratch his little head and then asked if I could get him out to hold him. As I picked him up, he immediately snuggled into me and was a purring machine.
I felt an instant connection to the little guy that I didn’t feel with any other animal except Scout. Of course I read the info sheet and saw that he was born in my birthday. He had all his shots and already spayed. He kept snuggling and purring and I just knew he needed to come home with us.
Long story short, after some discussion and thought, we went back and made the little guy ours.

He is a snuggle bunny. He loves to be held and played with and wants to be with us all the time.
Unfortunately Scout isn’t sold on him yet. She isn’t violent to him, but hisses and then runs away and hides. We’ve had a couple small breakthroughs and we’re planning on putting them together a lot more this weekend to make her realize that he isn’t going anywhere.
So for now, if we aren’t home, he stays in the bathroom but he’s allowed out as long as we’re there. We keep him from going upstairs for now so Scout feels like she has a safe space and Truman isn’t just taking over all of a sudden. I sleep on the couch at night and check on him periodically. Our hope is that by this weekend we can leave him out all the time and that he and Scout will be friends.
So any good kitty vibes you want to send, will be much appreciated.

Patience is a virtue I do not have

Wouldn’t you know, I feel like blogging AND I’m in a good mood. So you get a happy post. I’m sure everyone has missed those. I sure did. ( even though my page views goes up exponentially when there is a crisis or something bad is going on)
Anywhosit…
I am so stinking excited because Mr. A and I have made the very adult decision to go on a cruise right after New Years and just before the spring (and Mr. A’s last ever And the last for this degree) semester.
Makes me giddy just thinking about it.
Our original plan all along was to go back to Mexico after he took the bar exam, but upon further thought and realizing that we will be in the middle of moving and either new jobs or job searching. Too much is up in the air to plan a big trip, so we’ve moved it up. We both will be finished with classes in December, so it will be nice for us to have a little vacation together and refresh. I will be finishing my thesis and he should be working for credit, so a nice cruise will be perfect.
I have been on one before, but due to a family member that can’t control how much she drinks, I did not have as much fun as I should have. I liked te cruise itself and the excursions, but my travel company was less than desirable. Mr. A has never been, so he’s looking forward to something new. We were originally going to do a 7 night cruise, but with it being his first, we decided a 5 night would be more manageable for a first timer.
Any of you been? What tips do you have? Also, everyone needs to kick my butt into saying with counting calories and working out because there is a beach calling my name and I do not want to be confused with a beached whale.
Also, January is too effing far away…

Seriously Update

So this is an update from yesterday.

After having a heart to heart with my husband, I had decided to talk to my professor and basically say that I wouldn’t be in class the day the other play was discussed and that I was going to try to find a critical lens that would allow me to avoid the suicide in my assigned play as much as possible.

However, when I got to campus today, my good friend gave me the idea of seeing if the gender and sexuality class that she is in, and that also just started yesterday, would fit the requirement being filled by the other class.

It sure helps to have an amazing secretary who has decision making abilities and who likes you.

So she approved it, marked it in my file, I filled out the paperwork and I have officially switched classes.

This new class is a history/women’s studies course focusing on gender and it’s role within modern European societies.

No suicide there!

So now I feel a HUGE weight is off my shoulders. I am just waiting for my original class to get out so I can go and talk with the professor and explain why I’m no longer in her class. Hopefully she understands. Especially since her husband is our department chair.

So wish me luck with that conversation and the 80-100 pages of reading I have for tonight to catch up, but this will be a lot less work and a lot less emotionally draining. Which is something I just can’t handle at the moment.

Seriously?

Today I started my summer class. I’m back to being a student and a teacher at the same time again.
I was feeling pretty overwhelmed since we’re doing 12 plays in 4 weeks, which involves 5 analysis papers, a 90 minute presentation, and a 12-15 page paper. In four weeks.
But I was tryin to be positive and telling myself that maybe having a lot to do would be good for me. A distraction and some semblance of a routine.
Until the professor started giving brief overviews of all the plays.
One of which is about suicide. According to my professor, it’s funny an makes light of the whole thing.
What. The. Fuck.
I was pretty much on edge the rest of the class period. Steeling myself to go home, read the play, and if I really couldn’t handle it, go talk to my professor since we would only be covering it for one day and see if I could do some additional assignment I stead of listening to a 2 hour presentation where a girl makes jokes bout suicide.
Well it turns out, it’s the one play that Amazon was out of, and since these are all contemporary Irish and British dramas, you can really only get them from Amazon UK.
So my good friend in the class is going to let me borrow his tomorrow to read.
But, knowing I have a ton of work to do, I decided to go ahead and read my assigned play.
Now, I ordered my plays 3 months ago. I got the list from the professor and wanted to go ahead and get them. She told me about the presentations, and said I should skim them and email her with my play choice. I picked the one having to do with a ghost story and went on my way. U didn’t read it in depth. I planned on working on it 2 weeks ago. Before it happened.
So imagine my surprise when I started into the play tonight and it has like 3 different suicide storylines.
Efff.
At this point, all the plays are assigned and I would imagine most people have already been working on their presentations since its such a condensed class.
When I read the first plot line, I told myself that I would just choose a critical lens that would allow me to skip around it. But since there are 3, I can’t avoid it and it’s a main part in the play.
I’m just flustered.
I’m having a hard enough time focusing to now have to deal with this in a very public manner. Most of the grad students in the class know so it will just be super freaking uncomfortable.
I guess it’s time for me to get a really thick skin and just deal with it.
My therapist will be earning his money.

Ever Again?

I know I said I wouldn’t only write about this, but since the counseling center is closed and I feel like I’m about to burst, you get it again.
Today is supposed to be a good day.
Today is Scout’s first birthday, something I’ve been ridiculously excited about even though she doesn’t have a clue. I’ve never had a pet that was mine and Scout has been so great for us. I love that fluff ball more than I thought possible.
Mr. A is taking me to a movie in a bit. I’m making fruit pizza this afternoon. We have a day off together.
Yet, I’ve been on the brink of a breakdown since I woke up. Shit, I even slept all night which is something I haven’t done in months and last week I probably only got 4 hours of interrupted sleep each night, terrified that my migraine medicine dreams would take a terrifying turn.
I’m mad as hell. I’m angrier than I’ve ever been. And it scares me bc I’m not walking around, scowling at the world.
It’s bubbling underneath and it pops up out of no where.
I always hated when people said that taking your own life was selfish. I believed that they must have been in a place of such pain and despair that they saw no other option. But this was planned out. Every detail and the timing and she had to have been planning this for months. She planne this for months and never considered that she was goin to completely fuck up her 22 year old daughter’s life? She was going to make my dad have nightmares from finding his wife dead in a house that he built and loves? That the rest of us would be affected in ways no one can imagine until they’re thrown into the middle of this nightmare?
Oh, did I mention it was in MY old bedroom??? Yeah. Won’t be sleeping there ever again.
It was selfish. It was.
She got to say goodbye to most people by seeing friends two days before and other encounters we now realize was her chance to say bye.
Her final goodbye to my dad? Nothing. Him finding her. Him dealing with police and the coroner alone. Him so worried about his stepdaughter that he hasn’t even had a chance to mourn or cry or scream or stare at a wall.
I’m mad. I’ve been mad. I’m heartbroken for my dad. I feel guilty that I didn’t drop everything to stay home. I feel guilty about the other thoughts and feelings that I can’t seem to get away from.
I laugh at a joke or listen to happy stories and I feel guilty.
Am I ever going to feel “normal” again? Am I ever going to be able to laugh without feeling guilty for being happy? It does t feel like it.
I will forever have this cloud around me. I know my friends are walking on eggshells. They don’t know what to say or how to act around me. I’ll always be the girl whose stepmom killed herself. I don’t want that to be a descriptor of me. I want to rewind by two weeks and this to never have happened.
What’s worse is that I know if I’m feeling like this, I any imagine what dad and stepsister are going through.
Fuck.
That’s the only word at this point that even comes close to describing this whole situation.
So, from the bottom of y heart, please have some extra fun today because I know I’ll be faking every laugh, and if it is real, it will be followed by pain. If I can’t enjoy today, I want everyone else to. No one should have to deal with this. No one.

After

Yeah…still not quite real.

More real than last week, but I feel like I’m in a fog.

I can’t seem to think straight. Or concentrate. Or to function properly.

Students were asking me questions in class today about their paper assignment, that I created, and it was like they were asking me to perform quantum physics on the spot.

I feel scatterbrained. I try to carry on conversations and my thoughts always go back to everything going on. A friend was trying to ask me my opinion about a haircut she was getting and I just couldn’t focus.

Mostly, I just don’t care.

I was so tempted to see if they could find another grad student to finish teaching my class for the summer so I could just stay home with Dad.

But that’s not really feasible. Dad wouldn’t want that. Eventually he will be going back to work and then I would just be sitting at home. Also, we need a paycheck.

I don’t want my life to unravel.

I really don’t want this to define me. I don’t want this to be all people see or think when they walk to me.

Doesn’t help that before I could even realize what I was doing, I told a fellow grad student what happened. I went to school today telling myself that I would just tell people that my stepmom passed away. Unless we were close friends, I wasn’t going to say the real reason. No need for that to be spreading through the halls of the department.

But someone said they were sorry to hear about the death in my family and it fell out of my mouth. And as I was saying it, I was wishing I could just shove the words back into my mouth.

I don’t know why I did it.

Maybe because I haven’t had a chance to say it. To see how the words felt in my mouth. To see how I felt once they were out.

It felt foreign. As if someone else was speaking. It wasn’t my words and it’s not my life.

This didn’t happen to my family.

Mr. A thinks I need to go talk to someone. About her death. About the issues I’ve had with my dad since long before this. How this affects my ability to ever talk to him about those issues without me sounding inconsiderate and selfish. If that’s even a possibility.

I probably need to. I just feel weird walking into the counseling center for some reason. I’ve talked with a therapist in the past, but I had a goal and she provided solutions and options for me to get there. This time? I couldn’t seem to make myself press “send” to call them to make an appointment. Maybe on Thursday. Maybe next week. Who knows.

I promise this isn’t all I’ll write about. There are just some things I need to get out and right now, this is the only safe place I have to say what I want without being interrupted. And strangely, I trust most of you more than other people. Not sure why, but I do.

I’ll get back to silly student stories and posts about Scout and fun weekends.

But for today, and maybe a few more days, I need a place to dump these feelings in hopes that this will help me make sense of all of this.

Thank You

You are all amazing. I have a lot I want to say. A lot I need to say because I can’t seem to keep y thoughts organized. But right now, I’m mentally drained and can’t get coherent sentences together. Might be because I can’t seem to actually figure out how I’m feeling. This whole situation is confusing and I seem to be at both ends of the spectrum at the same time.
But I did want you all to know that I’ve read every comment and tweet and email, even if I didn’t reply. I wanted to but I just don’t know what to say and “thank you” doesn’t even begin to express how grateful I am to each and everyone of you.

Any additional thoughts or prayers for the family, especially for my Dad and stepsister to get through this and find support from friends, I would be forever grateful.