Category Archives: A little More About Me

Seriously Update

So this is an update from yesterday.

After having a heart to heart with my husband, I had decided to talk to my professor and basically say that I wouldn’t be in class the day the other play was discussed and that I was going to try to find a critical lens that would allow me to avoid the suicide in my assigned play as much as possible.

However, when I got to campus today, my good friend gave me the idea of seeing if the gender and sexuality class that she is in, and that also just started yesterday, would fit the requirement being filled by the other class.

It sure helps to have an amazing secretary who has decision making abilities and who likes you.

So she approved it, marked it in my file, I filled out the paperwork and I have officially switched classes.

This new class is a history/women’s studies course focusing on gender and it’s role within modern European societies.

No suicide there!

So now I feel a HUGE weight is off my shoulders. I am just waiting for my original class to get out so I can go and talk with the professor and explain why I’m no longer in her class. Hopefully she understands. Especially since her husband is our department chair.

So wish me luck with that conversation and the 80-100 pages of reading I have for tonight to catch up, but this will be a lot less work and a lot less emotionally draining. Which is something I just can’t handle at the moment.

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4 Comments

Filed under A little More About Me, Grad School?

Seriously?

Today I started my summer class. I’m back to being a student and a teacher at the same time again.
I was feeling pretty overwhelmed since we’re doing 12 plays in 4 weeks, which involves 5 analysis papers, a 90 minute presentation, and a 12-15 page paper. In four weeks.
But I was tryin to be positive and telling myself that maybe having a lot to do would be good for me. A distraction and some semblance of a routine.
Until the professor started giving brief overviews of all the plays.
One of which is about suicide. According to my professor, it’s funny an makes light of the whole thing.
What. The. Fuck.
I was pretty much on edge the rest of the class period. Steeling myself to go home, read the play, and if I really couldn’t handle it, go talk to my professor since we would only be covering it for one day and see if I could do some additional assignment I stead of listening to a 2 hour presentation where a girl makes jokes bout suicide.
Well it turns out, it’s the one play that Amazon was out of, and since these are all contemporary Irish and British dramas, you can really only get them from Amazon UK.
So my good friend in the class is going to let me borrow his tomorrow to read.
But, knowing I have a ton of work to do, I decided to go ahead and read my assigned play.
Now, I ordered my plays 3 months ago. I got the list from the professor and wanted to go ahead and get them. She told me about the presentations, and said I should skim them and email her with my play choice. I picked the one having to do with a ghost story and went on my way. U didn’t read it in depth. I planned on working on it 2 weeks ago. Before it happened.
So imagine my surprise when I started into the play tonight and it has like 3 different suicide storylines.
Efff.
At this point, all the plays are assigned and I would imagine most people have already been working on their presentations since its such a condensed class.
When I read the first plot line, I told myself that I would just choose a critical lens that would allow me to skip around it. But since there are 3, I can’t avoid it and it’s a main part in the play.
I’m just flustered.
I’m having a hard enough time focusing to now have to deal with this in a very public manner. Most of the grad students in the class know so it will just be super freaking uncomfortable.
I guess it’s time for me to get a really thick skin and just deal with it.
My therapist will be earning his money.

3 Comments

Filed under A little More About Me, Normal Family?

After

Yeah…still not quite real.

More real than last week, but I feel like I’m in a fog.

I can’t seem to think straight. Or concentrate. Or to function properly.

Students were asking me questions in class today about their paper assignment, that I created, and it was like they were asking me to perform quantum physics on the spot.

I feel scatterbrained. I try to carry on conversations and my thoughts always go back to everything going on. A friend was trying to ask me my opinion about a haircut she was getting and I just couldn’t focus.

Mostly, I just don’t care.

I was so tempted to see if they could find another grad student to finish teaching my class for the summer so I could just stay home with Dad.

But that’s not really feasible. Dad wouldn’t want that. Eventually he will be going back to work and then I would just be sitting at home. Also, we need a paycheck.

I don’t want my life to unravel.

I really don’t want this to define me. I don’t want this to be all people see or think when they walk to me.

Doesn’t help that before I could even realize what I was doing, I told a fellow grad student what happened. I went to school today telling myself that I would just tell people that my stepmom passed away. Unless we were close friends, I wasn’t going to say the real reason. No need for that to be spreading through the halls of the department.

But someone said they were sorry to hear about the death in my family and it fell out of my mouth. And as I was saying it, I was wishing I could just shove the words back into my mouth.

I don’t know why I did it.

Maybe because I haven’t had a chance to say it. To see how the words felt in my mouth. To see how I felt once they were out.

It felt foreign. As if someone else was speaking. It wasn’t my words and it’s not my life.

This didn’t happen to my family.

Mr. A thinks I need to go talk to someone. About her death. About the issues I’ve had with my dad since long before this. How this affects my ability to ever talk to him about those issues without me sounding inconsiderate and selfish. If that’s even a possibility.

I probably need to. I just feel weird walking into the counseling center for some reason. I’ve talked with a therapist in the past, but I had a goal and she provided solutions and options for me to get there. This time? I couldn’t seem to make myself press “send” to call them to make an appointment. Maybe on Thursday. Maybe next week. Who knows.

I promise this isn’t all I’ll write about. There are just some things I need to get out and right now, this is the only safe place I have to say what I want without being interrupted. And strangely, I trust most of you more than other people. Not sure why, but I do.

I’ll get back to silly student stories and posts about Scout and fun weekends.

But for today, and maybe a few more days, I need a place to dump these feelings in hopes that this will help me make sense of all of this.

5 Comments

Filed under A little More About Me, Normal Family?

Brick Wall

I have hit a wall.

And not a good wall. Not one where I’ve made progress, but now feel blocked. I would have a good attitude about that because at least some progress had been made.

Nope. I hit the wall that was about three feet from the starting line.

This metaphorical wall has to do with working out.

I don’t know what’s going on.

I had been making some progress with the C25K program during the semester, but then the last month happened and I nearly had a meltdown so any and all forms of exercise went out the window.

Hard to get to the gym when you are spending 12-18 hours a day in your office.

Yeah…we are going to hope that never happens again.

So I wanted to get started again this summer. I would have free time and could get into a schedule.

But then these every. single. day. headaches started and I was miserable.

Eventually, I made myself go anyways. I was hoping exercise would help.

And maybe it would have, except I can’t seem to do a damn thing.

Running for a minute feels like the hardest thing on the planet. Lifting weights isn’t very productive because I don’t know how to do much other than a couple arm things and the people that work in our weight room are either super bitchy girls that are just there to flirt or guys who think there’s no point helping me since I’m not trying to bench 100+ pounds.

The personal training sessions are OUTRAGEOUS and they are will students. While I understand this is the field they are going into, most of them are body builders that can eat 3 large pizzas and not gain an ounce. Maybe that’s not how they act, but they intimidate the shit out of me. I’ve also seen a few of them working with other people, and I’ve seen them make fun of their client to their friends when the client isn’t looking.

Sorry, not paying the money to feel even worse about myself.

I’m just frustrated. I’m not in a good place with it all.

I’m mad because I got myself to this point, and I’m mad because I can’t seem to do a damn thing about it.

I;m trying to seriously watch what I eat,but Mr. A (unknowingly) is sabotaging me.

See, Mr. A has gotten into power lifting/body building. (I know. How the HELL did the two of us end up together?! I ask this all the time…)

The boy HAS to eat 5000 calories a day in order to continue making gains. And he’s so serious about all of this that he is in the gym every day, counting out how much protein to make sure het gets enough.

But he can eat whatever he wants as long as he gets enough protein.

Also, he eats like 6 meals a day.

And not small meals. Normal people sized meals, 6 times a day.

Please tell me how that’s supposed to help me who is cutting down on stuff and can’t eat two Big Macs at 10pm? (And yes. He did that the other week. And I of course wanted something too. )

I love food. I do. I love carbs. They are glorious. I have shitty eating habits. I’m fully aware of this.

So while he says he will try to eat better with me, it doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.

I’m about to tell him he can’t eat his extra meals or unhealthy things in the house because I can’t handle it. But that’s not fair to him and it’s his home too, so here I am.

I’m trying some new things today. Going to see how I feel about a cycle yoga class. I’ve never done yoga so this might go horribly. Who knows.

Also doesn’t help that the classes offered are few and at bizarre times.

Can I just have lipo now??

7 Comments

Filed under A little More About Me, Freak Out Much?, Wannabe former couch potato

Waiting Room Horrors

Since getting our little fur child, Scout, I’ve been to vet quite a bit. A new kitten needs shots and spaying and all kinds of things. 

We have been INCREDIBLY fortunate that Scout has been healthy. At least until this week. She kept shaking and pawing at her ears, so we decided to take her in to see if she had an ear infection.

(Scout is fine. She has a bacterial infection in both ears, so we have medicine that she hates, but she is already perking up.)

Well, I am glad Mr. A came with me yesterday because the waiting room was awful. I’ve met giant iguanas and 8 week old puppies in the waiting room. It’s kind of interesting to see the different animals, especially the fluffy ones, but yesterday was not a day full of fluffy puppies and kittens.

As soon as we walked in, I noticed a woman sitting there with a dachshund. As I came around the corner, I realized that she had the dog in a shallow box, filled with towels and the dog was wrapped up as well. I then realized that the woman still had her sunglasses on and kept wiping her eyes.

That’s when I realized why she was there. She was having to put her loved dog down.

Seeing her try to calm down her dog whenever s/he tried to move or got scared by a noise just broke my heart for her. Her friend came in to be with her and she just lost it and it was just a painful scene to watch.

I think Mr. A was trying to distract me by talking, but I felt guilty talking about happy things while this woman, 10 feet away from me, was losing something so important to her. I started getting choked up and was have to work hard to not break down and cry for her.

Then, another woman came in with a collie. At first, all I could see was that the collie had a bandage on a front leg. But as she rounded the corner, I saw the full extent of the collies injuries.

She was wrapped in bandages from behind her shoulders, all the way back to her hips. Her entire midsection was wrapped, and as some of the bandages shifted, I could she that she was bald in the midsection and saw quite a few stitches.

As the woman sat next to us, I saw just how happy and friendly the dog was. She was just shaking and so happy to see new people. I let her lick my hand, but Scout hates the smell of dogs, and seeing as she was already anxious for being in the vet’s office, I encouraged her to go back to her owner.

The woman mentioned that the dog had nearly died, so Mr. A asked what had happened to her.

This incredibly sweet dog was viciously attacked by her neighbor’s pitt bull.  They could hardly get the other dog off of hers and the pitt’s owner just stood there. This was apparently the third time the other dog had attacked her and her dog.

Even worse, the collie’s front leg was going to have to be amputated since the attack had destroyed all the nerve endings in it and she no long had full control over its movements.

Now, I know there are nice pitt bulls. I do. But I also have a fear of unknown dogs, and certain breeds I am just never comfortable around.

I hope the dog won’t be put down, but put with people that know how to train and work with dogs that tend to be mean, but since the owner wouldn’t claim it, it will be put up for adoption and I just hope they tell people what happened so it doesn’t end up in a house with a small child or attack someone else’s dog.

I was a ball of emotions by the time we were called back to a room for Scout. I was just upset for all the families involved. I was also upset to see the woman with the dachshund was STILL in the waiting room after we had been called back and seen by the vet. If nothing else, I felt they should have put her in a room to wait in private as she spent her last moments with her dog.

I might just need a xanax the next time I have to take Scout to the vet because I can’t handle another emotional rollercoaster like yesterday.

3 Comments

Filed under A little More About Me, Kitteh

Wedding Stress

And if you’ve been around for a while, you know it’s not my wedding.

Which might make this even more stressful because, come on, someone else’s wedding shouldn’t be stressing me out more than my own did.

But then again, so many people commented that I was the most laid back bride they had ever met, so maybe my judgment of this is off.

However, Mr. A’s best friend is getting married next weekend. G was the best man at our wedding and is like a brother to me. I love him and Mr. A and I would do anything he asked because we know he would do, and has done, the same. Mr. A and G were friends in the womb as they are only six months apart and they are so very close.

That being said, this wedding has been a source of stress for Mr. A and I. The biggest issue? The cost.

G doesn’t act like it, but he comes from…well…a lot of money. Like…not fully comprehensible amounts of money.

I’m not one to talk about finances, especially someone else’s, but it’s important to understand so you can understand why we are feeling so much pressure.

As you know, Mr. A and I are both still students. We live off my small income and student loans.

G did some awesome things for Mr. A as his best man, so of course we wanted to return the favor. I pretty much gave Mr. A free reign as to how much could be spent on G’s bachelor party because I knew Mr. A wanted to do something special and that G would enjoy.

Well, we’re still paying for that 6 day extravaganza. And I didn’t even get a t-shirt, damnit.

They have had two engagement parties thrown for them, both cocktail attire, so that required two different dresses because this girl doesn’t typically go to fancy events, so I didn’t have dresses to wear.

Since Mr. A is the best man and many of the guests at these events, and the wedding, are important people, so I am feeling even more pressure to dress accordingly and to not look like an amateur. Doesn’t help that I’m not a size 2 and am picky about how dresses should look on me.

Then there is the issue of a wedding gift.

I have a thing for giving good gifts and I will stress over anyone’s gift because I want to give some special and thoughtful, but also something that I know they will love. For this one, I’ve also had this looming feeling of needing it to be “big”. G went above and beyond for ours and I don’t want to look cheap or something.

Yes, G knows our situation and even said he didn’t expect us to get them a gift after everything else that we’ve done, but there isn’t a chance in hell that we aren’t giving them a gift.

I had some good and creative ideas, but Mr. A doesn’t think we need to spend a lot of money. As a boy, he just isn’t seeing the issue as I am.

We finally settled on buying them all of their bath towels since no one else has and I plan on adding some bath salts and candles to the package to add some thought. It’s a little on the boring side for my taste, but we couldn’t afford anything else on their registry and Mr. A didn’t like my original ideas, so at least they are getting something for their own future home.

And we haven’t even gotten to the wedding!

I still haven’t fully decided on a dress for rehearsal dinner. I ordered one from RueLaLa and if it shows up on time, I’ll wear it, otherwise I’ll figure out something from what I have. I had to buy a nice, more formal dress for the wedding, so I don’t want to buy yet another dress that I won’t get to wear often. At least the RueLaLa one I can wear to teach and such.

But then the wedding itself.

Unlike mine where G’s fiance came with us for pictures beforehand since I had all guys in my wedding party, they have 8 groomsmen and 8 bridesmaids. They do not need another person tagging along. So I get to spend all day on my own. This isn’t really a problem, but for some reason it didn’t occur to me until last week since she came with us for all of ours.

Also not occurring to me? I won’t be sitting with Mr. A at the reception. He will, of course, be at the head table.

Well, all of the people I know and am friends with at this wedding, are IN the wedding. Again, since we only have 4 people in our entire wedding party, we had their dates/significant others sit with us at the head table since we knew everyone and it was a blast. 

No idea who they are going to seat me with and I am terrible with small talk.

So while I was initially really excited for this wedding, I just want the damn thing to be over with already. It’s basically an entire weekend spent in Mr. A’s hometown, without Mr. A.

Hey, at least I get to have my hair done and I can drink as much as I want since no one will be watching me.

Mr. A owes me. Big time. I think I deserve a beach trip. You know, after we pay off all this wedding business.

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Filed under A little More About Me, Life After College, What to do?

I Shouldn’t be in Charge

I love to plan events. Love it. Granted, the biggest event of my life so far I didn’t have much to do with since I was living out of state and finishing school.

But besides that, planning is fun for me. Whether it be birthday surprises or holidays or weekend getaways, I could spend hours working on and deciding all the details. It’s probably why I always go over board on Mr. A’s gifts.

So our wedding anniversary was no different.

Last year, we thought it would be fun to sort of recreate our wedding weekend. We stayed in the same hotel that we did on our wedding night and went to a Cards game the next day. Since our wedding was on the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend, we had invited guests that wanted to go to the baseball game on Monday as another way to spend time with people that traveled to visit us and share in our special day.

However, our first anniversary didn’t go as planned.

While the hotel was amazing (one of my top two hotels in STL- if you need recommendations, let me know!), I made a HUGE mistake.

Since I was still working retail last year, while I wanted to do something special for our first anniversary, we were also trying to save money where possible. Groupon came to the rescue since it was offering some awesome deals on pretty good seats for Memorial Day weekend. I bought two and had even sent in for us to be on the message board.

When we walked up to the gate, the tickets wouldn’t scan. I was perturbed since I had printed tickets before without issue, so I figured it was something with their machine. Until the woman took a closer look and informed me that they were for the following day.

I had bought tickets for the wrong day’s game!

Cue instant tears. I was embarrassed since we were holding up the line of people getting into the game and I had made a big to do about planning our anniversary and had screwed it up.

Now, my husband doesn’t always have the largest reserve of patience, but when it comes to me and if I make a mistake or something, he is the most calm and understanding human on the planet. I love that man.

We then approached a scalper and bought overpriced, crappy seats since we had planned on going to the game. He swore he was happy being at the game with me and sweating profusely in the summer sun.

Well, this year was no different.

We were trying to be more low key since Mr. A had just returned from a 6 day bachelor party in Vegas. We have a lot of travelling going on this summer, so to be able to stay in our own house meant something to us.

I planned the day where we would spend the afternoon at the winery and then come home to get ready for a nice dinner. I had made reservations online for a new and very nice restaurant in our area and was excited to go try it out. I had even already picked what I was going to order from their menu and which signature cocktails I wanted to try.

Well, the restaurant is part of of a brand new winery, but they have several different buildings/locations on their extremely expansive property, so we stopped at the front building to ask where the restaurant was. I got a little nervous since the woman working said that the restaurant wasn’t typically open on Wednesdays. I knew I had made reservations for the correct date since I remembered checking it several times.

I was nervous, but once the restaurant was in view, we saw quite a few cars and I figured that maybe they had new summer hours and the woman had been mistaken.

So we walked up to the host and gave our names and he then asked “Are you here for the wine dinner?”

Mr. A and I both must have had confused looks on our faces so the man explained that on the last Wednesday of every month they did a wine around the world event, which included 7 courses and 7 wines. For a pretty hefty price per person. NO WHERE did the reservation site say anything about that and from the man’s response, we were not the first ones to run into this problem. Apparently their online program didn’t differentiate a special event and didn’t inform us about it.

He said we were welcome to join, but that the normal menu wasn’t available and they were just serving for the event.

We stepped aside to discuss and decided that had we planned on the very high expense, it would have been one thing, but we didn’t and decided not to do the event.

Again, cue the tears welling my eyes, since I had, yet again, screwed up our anniversary plans. Again, Mr. A was incredibly reassuring and commented several times how it wasn’t my fault, but theirs and I couldn’t have known. While trying to determine what to do, we went over to the new bar they had. It served drinks and a few small appetizers.

Well, it turned out even better than planned since the place was phenomenal. The drinks were superb and we are now looking into how much it would be to have some reserved tables for after graduation next year. We spend two hours there drinking very unique and delicious drinks and talking with the bartender/manager and hearing about all the new things that are planned for the estate.

We finally left and went to a little restaurant that Mr. A hadn’t been to yet. Dinner was delicious and we had a great time just talking and spending time together. We came home to enjoy the specialty tiramisu cake I had ordered for us and we watched a movie and sipped champagne.

While both anniversaries turned out just fine, and it does make for some interesting stories, next year, either Mr. A plans it or I’m making him check over the details 20 times beforehand. I would like just one anniversary to follow my plans. Is that too much to ask for?

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Filed under A little More About Me, Happy little posts, Married Life