Oh, Mother

My mother and I have become a lot closer over the past few years. I would call us friends, even. Which considering how much we fought, even 4 years ago, I would never have thought “friend” would ever have described her.

But it does and I value her opinion.

When I was younger, I thought my mom was dumb and didn’t know anything and I was a super genius and I was getting so much by her.

When her and I were talking the other week, she said she knew a lot of what I was doing, and depending on how harmful it could be, she would let it go or confront it. (My best friend A, the guy that was my “bride’s man”- my mom said that if he was going to be there, she pretty much always let me go because she figured I would be safe with him around. My mom was such a sap.)

So, yes. I like to get advice from my mom or talk about things with her. Even more so now that I’m married, I turn to her because none of my close friends are married and I’m living in a town where I don’t have any friends yet.

She has given some great advice and tips. She’s helped with decorating and how to arrange some things in the apartment because Mr. A and I are pretty clueless about this whole household thing.

But…I don’t know that I always agree with her advice.

Most recently, her idea that I should be doing everything and Mr. A shouldn’t have to do a thing.

Umm…..is it 1924?

I don’t think so Mom.

Yes, I will take over a few extra things since Mr. A will need to study and do stuff for law school, but that doesn’t mean I become the maid and house servant and he gets to do nothing. We are BOTH in this marriage and that means we BOTH have to contribute to the household and the relationship.

My mom was shocked that Mr. A was doing laundry last Sunday and I wasn’t. He offered and let me sleep in some. Why would I turn that down?

Tomorrow, I’ll be doing laundry while he’s at school. And I will vacuum and dust and do little cleaning tasks. I do actually do something while I’m home. (Like look for a job…..)

My mom also can’t believe our arrangement where if I make dinner, he cleans the dishes, or vice versa. That way the person who is making the meal gets a little help. We’re only two people. We don’t have that many dishes to do and I usually do all the little dishes that get left around from drinks or snacks.

I know I’m home right now, but I won’t be forever. I plan on getting a full time job and getting my ass out of this apartment. And when I start putting in full days, I don’t plan on coming home and being Susie Homemaker all the time.

I think we have to share the responsibilities. When big papers come or finals, I will be more than happy to take over all the chores so he can study and do what he needs to in order to get the grades to get the job. That’s the whole reason we’ve moved to the city we’re in-his law school.

I am more than happy to support him and he supports me. We’re a partnership. He may be the one going to classes and taking exams, but we’re in this together.

But what do you think? Even if your spouse isn’t in law school, how do you balance? If your spouse is in a high demand job or a demanding graduate program, how do you handle it? Do you take over everything or do you share the responsibilities?

I’m just hoping I’m not being some super mean nazi wife.




Filed under Home Sweet Home, Life in Law School (even if I'm not in it), Married Life

7 responses to “Oh, Mother

  1. Sarah

    I definitely agree that it is a partnership. While he can–and isn’t too busy with school stuff–he should help out some. However, keep in mind that for at least the month before finals, all he will be doing is studying and you’ll be on your own. But while he’s available, he can and should help out. Especially if he offers!! (I wish B would help me around the house.)

    Granted, while I’m at home with nothing else to do, I tend to do a bit more because I’m bored.

    • I agree. I don’t want ppl to think I’m not willing to do anything. I am. And like you, since I’m home, I do more, but I won’t be home forever. And around finals, I know I will probably be on my own and that’s fine. But if he’s going to offer do laundry, I am not going to fight him..hah

  2. Balance is so difficult! When I was jobless I did the majority of the cleaning and cooking and boy oh boy did I resent it. I am not much of what you would call a nurtering person, so I was not happy at all and was constantly saying things like “I am not your maid/cook.” BUT right now I am working and Dan is at home until he starts his new job and I am feeling a bit guilty about being so angry about it because he has been cooking, cleaning, AND packing without any complaining. It has made me realize that I was, for lack of a better word, kind of a bitch when I was unemployed because expecting him to do exactly 1/2 of the work was a bit selfish since he had been working all day and I was laying around in my pajamas watching Real Housewives. Plus, when I was at home all day I became nazi cleaner and wanted the house to be perfect and everything to be done – now that I am working I don’t care as much. When we both start working I am sure I’ll have to pick up my fair share but for now I am enjoying not having to do so much work.

  3. Gross. If my mother told me that it was my duty to be Adam’s house slave I’d probably just get up and walk away.

    I agree that a relationship is a partnership. Yes, I shop for our groceries, and I plan meals, and I cook them. I do all that though only because I like to do those things. We decided that financially one of the things I would carry was the buying of groceries, and since I’m already buying them, I’m also thinking up meals. But I like cooking wither it is for me, or for both of us. And if I’m not feeling up to it, Adam will help or take over.

    Chores we do together. Adam does ALL the laundry. Give and take.

    To be equals you have to have equal stake in your home and marriage.

  4. Notes from the Fatty File

    Guys shouldn’t get a free pass on chores just because they’re guys. That said, I work full time and my husband is in law school and in an ideal world, we’d be splitting household stuff 50/50. In reality, we split it 70/30, with me doing the majority of chores around the house. With his schoolwork, his RA gig and his extra curricular things, it’s just not humanly possible for him to squeeze in dusting or mopping the floors. He does, however, do all the “gross” jobs like cleaning the kitty litter and taking out the garbage/recycling. He also does all the dishes (we don’t have a dishwasher and I haaaate dishes) and he’s good at straightening up/putting things away and not leaving his crap everywhere. During exam season, if he’s completely swamped with work and he just doesn’t have that 20 minutes after dinner to wash the dishes, I totally give him a free pass. It’s all about give and take. His hard work right now = really good for us in the long run.

  5. You’re so right! You’re both in the marriage and it’s only fair for both of you to help keep a clean house up and running.

    But yes, I do more than my fair share during finals, because he’s studying SO much more than he usually does. But then he cleans the house from top to bottom. So we’re even. 🙂

  6. We are all about the partnership. But it’s a flexible partnership. Sometimes I’m super busy and so my husband takes over more of the daily duties… sometimes it’s the opposite. Sometimes we are both crazy and then we end up at the grocery store at 8:00 pm to buy macaroni and cheese for dinner.

    There are so many ways to form a marriage… And I certainly admire your mother for doing all that she does. But I hope you are able to listen to her advice without feeling like you have to take all of it!

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