Girlfriends

I’ve always been one to hang out with the boys. I’m not sporty or a tom boy, but I have always connected more with guys and been able to form much closer friendships with them.

My best friend in kindergarten was a boy. I was the only girl at his birthday parties for three years. Then he moved. It was heartbreaking. Oh 6-year-old romance….

But that trend has followed me until this very day. I mean, I couldn’t come up with bridesmaids, but other than my brother, my other “bride’s man” is my best friend since 4th grade. We didn’t go to college in the same city ( or even state), and he now lives even farther away for grad school, but when we talk, it’s like nothing has ever changed. We may not talk all the time, but if there is every anything going on, we can pick up the phone and call.

Aren’t I supposed to have that kind of relationship with a girl? Aren’t I supposed to be with my maid of honor constantly by this time and be talking with her about wedding plans and babies?

I mean, I have girl friends. I have a group of four who have taken over my bachelorette party and planned some surprise night, which I am so appreciative of, especially since they aren’t in the wedding. But….

I don’t feel I can call and just chat or talk about problems. I mean, the fiance and I are great, but sometimes he annoys me and I just need to vent.

And now, the problem is about to get even trickier. All the guys that I’m friends with are even in fiance’s fraternity, so there is a level of understanding that I’m taken and he knows it’s not a problem. I probably can get away with being a little flirty because so many of them have taken roles of big brothers, so there isn’t any awkwardness of “does he like me?”  “does she like me?”

But here we are. About 4 months from moving to a new place, where neither of us knows anyone and we both are going to have to make some new friends. Easy for him. Lots of guys in law school. I’m sure he’ll find plenty that he connects with and want to hang out with. Me? Well….not going to be as easy.

I mean, how comfortable would your significant other be if you were out hanging out with guys he didn’t know, without him?? My point exactly.

So, what do I do? I’m sure I will find some girls that I connect to, but in my 23 years on this earth, I have yet to find a true female friend. In high school, I may not have chosen the best groups, but even they had close friends. I just wasn’t one of them. I always seemed to get walked on and used as a source of jokes. I had a “best friend” crush an entire box of exlax into a soda while at a party and sent me to the hospital. Aren’t teenagers sweet??

So, I turn to you. What do I do? Do I forge friendships that I’m not going to be comfortable with, or do I do what comes naturally and face, possibly, problems in my new, and already challenged marriage due to law school? I do not do well when I don’t have friends or people to turn to and I’m not going to be able to turn to the fiance as much because he will be under his own stress and pressures and won’t be able to deal with me and my girly whining.

I feel like that’s what I’m doing now, but I’m terrified. I’m terrified of being lonely the rest of my life. I know I will have my husband, but I need more than that. He has his friends and his own things going on. I need mine. I’m just not sure what to do.

So, I put it you to see if you have any advice. Maybe someone out there has been through the same thing.Maybe.

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7 Comments

Filed under What to do?

7 responses to “Girlfriends

  1. I am so 100% empathetic to your situation. I’ve never been great at making friends. So moving to new cities with my husband for med school/residency… coupled with a work-from-home job… makes for a lot of lonely nights.

    The only thing I can say is put yourself out there. Join a gym. Join a book club. Join a pottery class. Anything to get you out of the house and meeting people. And enlist your (future) husband, too. Have him scope out fellow law students who are married/engaged and then get together with them so you can meet wives who are going through the same thing. You may not become best friends, but it is so so nice to have someone who knows exactly what it’s like.

    The other thing is… I think you do need to steer clear of the male friends. I know it’s probably old-fashioned… But I just think that opens up a lot of potential for problems. Jealousy, or even bad situations. (And this is coming from someone who always had a lot of male friends.) There are women out there you can be friends with! You just need to find them. 🙂

    Good luck!

  2. I agree. I am hoping to find some groups/clubs/volunteer groups so I can meet some people. And I know I can’t go hanging out with guys. I KNOW that. Fiance and I have discussed this and even though he’s cool with it here, he said he’s not sure he would be comfortable with it with new guys he doesn’t know. And the last thing I want to do is jeopardize my relationship. So, I’m sure if I let myself get out there and be open, I will find some friends and hopefully we can find some young law school couples to hang out with!

  3. I was definitely in your position when I was in college. Most of my friends were guys. Mainly guys from my boyfriend’s fraternity. I had a few girlfriends, but it was just always easier to hang out with the guys – less drama. Maybe it was because I grew up with 3 brothers.

    But anyway, once I started law school and broke up with my boyfriend I realized how nice it is to be around girlfriends. And it was starting to get easier. The older we get, the more mature, the less catty, the more confident. Nearly ten years later, almost all my friends are women (other than my husband!). And I can’t tell you how amazing it is to be surrounded by smart, talented, caring, confident, supportive women. I have made the most amazing friendships in the last few years, some new and by strenghtening old ones and it has enriched my life more than I ever realized. And I think as we all grow up and start families together it’s going to be essential to have girlfriends that get it and know what you’re going through.

    I think my advice would be for you to trust yourself to seek out and find people that you really like and believe it. It might take some time to develop strong bonds, but it’s so worth it. Stay away from the drama-queens and mean girls. Surround yourself with people you love that will help you be a better friend!

  4. I second Life of a Doctor’s Wife. Go to as many of the events your husband’s law school hosts those first few weeks. We met a ton of people right at first and would grab a beer or something. They’re technically his friends, but they’re cool to hang out with (most of the time!). This isn’t for me being a girly girl, but I could have played on their intramural team (and they always need girls because of the rules), so that’s another way for you to make friends with his school friends.

    I was really lonely the first few weeks., I think mostly because I was just really scared. But as I got more involved in my own hobbies (which I HIGHLY recommend-you will have to keep yourself occupied a lot) and as we settled into a nice routine, I just stopped feeling lonely. I am busy, even if I am not constantly out on the town. (Of course I do have a few very close girlfriends from undergrad, but I rarely see them.)

    I would not stress out about this as much as I did. You can read LOTS of old posts on my blog about the subject. I’m just fine, even though I never met a ton of new people I really clicked with in person, I met a ton online! (I’m a nerd.)

  5. Beth

    OOOOOO…. you touch upon such an interesting subject! I would say that I have had some great girlfriends, but somehow we remain close at a distance. I will be interested to see your perspective on friends when the whole law school madness starts. It will be here faster than you can blink. For me, I have found at least 1 good girlfriend at work. You might want to investigate your future work. It helps to be able to go to happy hour, stop in on each others prep period… or what not. I wish I had sound advice… as sad as it is, as we all get older making friends gets harder. 😦 How are the wedding plans going?

  6. Beth: Wedding plans are going well! Had my first bridal shower yesterday and met with the photographer today to finalize locations for pictures and timelines…so we’re pretty much done with the planning!

    All: Thank you for the advice. i appreciate it! And I’m sure there will be PLENTY of posts about this subject once we move and get settled. I hope his law school does LOTS of events at the beginning so we can both meet enough people to figure out who we click with!

  7. I second the join groups, volunteer, etc. advice. I’ve also found good friends in the teachers I’ve worked with (mostly the young, newish ones, but a few of the veterans, too). At least at the schools I’ve worked in, it’s not uncommon to have a group of teachers go out for margaritas on a semi-regular basis.

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