I want nothing more than to tell you all that I found a job, made some friends, and that I’m not dreading this week because Mr. A will be gone all week on a work trip. But I can’t lie.
Yeah, the economy blows. I get that. I also know that we just moved to a college town that has however many 20-somethings, just like myself, looking for work. Employers have hundreds of applicants, probably hundreds more than they usually do. I logically know that this will take some work and some dedication. I also know I need to grow a pair and be a little more confident and pushy. Not obnoxious pushy, but get myself out there. And I’m terrible at that. I never ordered my own food at restaurants until I was about 13 because I didn’t like to talk to strangers. I’m still a little off talking to new people. However, working at the bank, I had a blast being a teller and talking to new people everyday. Weird, huh?
Even knowing this, I avoided my 5 year high school reunion because I didn’t want to answer questions like, “What are you doing?” I know some of them are having the same problems, but I also know a lot of them are insanely successful, especially since most of us just graduated in the last year. One of my closest friends from high school? Got a job paying over $60,000 a year and her salary will climb. People in law school, medical school, grad school, dream jobs. I reasoned my way out of the reunion saying that I didn’t talk to most of them or there is no point in a 5 year reunion. Things like that. But if I’m honest, I couldn’t stand the idea of admitting to people that I went to college for 4 years and I’m unemployed without promising prospects.
So I’ve been playing self-therapist. Which probably isn’t a great idea, but being unemployed prevents me from a real one.
I’ve had another situation like this in my life where I hid and couldn’t face anyone. My sophomore year of college.
My freshman year, I did what most freshman do. I partied too much and thought I could slip by with as little effort as I did in high school. I mean, I was an honor’s student and I still had plenty of social time and rarely studied hard. I figured college was the same.
Well, anyone who went to college knows that isn’t true. So, my grades weren’t great. I didn’t fail anything, but I also didn’t get an A in anything either. I wasn’t put on suspension or probation, but the parents weren’t pleased. And how did they know? My parents were very strict, and they said if they were paying for school, they better have the password for my school accounts that posted grades.
Mom and Dad yanked my ass home. I would be going to community college for a year. if I could pull my act together, I could go back for junior year. If not, then I wouldn’t be going anywhere.
This was by far the most embarrassing situation I’ve ever had to deal with. Here I was, with a new boyfriend of two months (the current husband), lots of friends at school, and now I had to come up with what to tell people about not showing back up for classes come August.
My route? Only tell the absolute closest friends, tell them my parents were being ridiculous, and not tell anyone else. One of the guys I was friends with, come April when I knew I would be returning and I said something about it, he didn’t know I was gone. He saw me a lot of weekends because I came to visit Mr. A, and he thought I was just busy during the week.
The devastation? My self esteem and confidence. I lost most of my friends because most friendships are relationships of proximity and 220 miles is quite a separator. I thank God everyday that the husband stuck with me. I didn’t go hang out with people when I was home. I sat in my room, ate, watched tv. I put on 35lbs that year. Lots went wrong.
Until now, I thought nothing could bring me lower.
Next week, the husband starts law school. I’m assuming there will be some social events for law students and their significant others.
Can you imagine a more terrifying and humiliating experience? Walking into a room of law students and telling them I sit at home all day? I can’t. The reunion would have been a walk on the beach. At least I knew those people and some of them would have at least been sympathetic to the situation.
Or maybe I’m putting law students on some pedestal. Maybe I’m letting the stereotypes get to me. But still. Getting into law school is prestigious and takes a lot of brains and work.
I’m only telling about this because I need an outlet. I hate being mopey. There are people that have it a lot worse than i do. I should be grateful for student loans to help us until things get settled and such. I am lucky that Mr. A’s mom is going to help out because she says that if we weren’t married, she’d be helping out anyways.
Most of all, I have a husband who loves me unconditionally and has never once judged me. Yes, he wants me to find a job, but more so we don’t have to keep taking out exorbitant loans. He would never think less of me.
I’m lucky, and I know it. I just need to believe it. And find some IRL friends. Do they have speed dating for friends??